I feel like I have a new toy and all I want to do is play with it. The problem is, I really like B and don’t want to hurt him. I see guys everywhere that I’m attracted to. I went to a meeting tonight and there was this guy who was really awesome and good looking. Totally my type. He mentioned having a boyfriend so I’m not sure he’d want to be anything more than friends. The thing is, it’s not so much about the guy I met tonight at the meeting as it is that I see potential partners all over the place. I’ve never really dated before and I kind of feel like I should do that now that I can. Find out what I like and don’t like; what I want out of relationship and what I don’t want. B is great… Blergh. I don’t know. Keeping things casual with everyone for the present time is probably going to be my best bet. Although it feels like things have already gone past casual with B.

On a side note, my knees hurt quite a bit from my run earlier. I’ll have to definitely take tomorrow off and maybe Sunday too.

Gratitude list:
Running
Meetings
New friends

Late post again… I really need to do a better job of getting back in the habit of posting every night before bed.

I turned 31 yesterday. I had a great birthday. Today I was officially able to start running again. I can’t go all out at this point – I really have to ease into it. I’m ok doing that, though. I can take it easy and I have been. Traditionally speaking moderation has not been my strong suit, but I’m pretty sure I can make it work with this. And what a great birthday gift to be able to start running today! I ran 2.8 miles and loved it! It was also nearly 50 so that was great.

B and I saw a movie yesterday about mental illness. I still have a lot of anger associated with that situation. On the one hand, I’m so grateful to be off the medication and to be at the place I am today, but I’m also mad as hell. I mean I really got sucked into the machine that is psychiatry and mental health – including major influences from big pharma, and I feel like there was no one who could provide me with a map out. I had to find that on my own and I feel like that’s not necessarily the way it needed to be. I wish there had been someone earlier who could have shown me the way. Perhaps my thinking is off on all of this – maybe I had to find that way out and if someone had tried (perhaps they did) I may not have even been receptive to that conversation. I really need to think about it some more and will hopefully formulate some thoughts. A phone update on the way into NYC on NJ transit is not the best time to flesh this all out. Hopefully one of these nights I can write more and solidify my thinking on it all a bit more.

On my way into the city! I’m going to MoMA for the free Friday night and then hitting up a meeting I went to about 2 months ago, but haven’t been able to make it back to yet. I’m looking forward to seeing all of the nice people I met there back in January. Woohoo!

Gratitude List:
Meetings
Living so close to NYC
The ability to run!