For the most part I really enjoyed today. There were some undertones that were less than enjoyable, but all in all the day was a success. I went to my class and afterwards wandered around the city with a couple fellow classmates, got some dinner and went and saw a show. I had a lot of fun with them. We went to Central Park and then ate near the theater. The show was pretty good, too. After the show I went to a kirtan meditation.

I’m tired right now from being in the city all day. Pretty exhausted, to be honest. I’m also emotionally spent.

This situation with B is getting messy. I mean it’s good, but it’s also messy. I really don’t want to run away from it all, but I’m having a hard time with it right now. Emotionally I’m just not sure I can do this. On the one hand all I want to do is spend as much time as possible with him, but at the same time I feel like I just need some space and time to myself right now to work through some things I need to work through. I am definitely a runner. I’m going to try to keep myself from running away from this, I’m just not sure I’ll be able to. I guess we’ll see.

Gratitude List:
Getting to know classmates
Ability to love
Sleeping in!

I need to have a conversation with B. Or, rather, Sleeping Beauty as he will most likely be referred to going forward. I had hoped to see him today. Not only did that not happen, but I also haven’t really talked to him. In order for myself to remain sane and keep my heart open and available, I need him to be a little more responsive to me. I’m not so upset that we didn’t hang out, I’m upset we haven’t really communicated today. Yesterday we left it that we’d get together today. I can deal with this situation for what it is now, but it will insidiously destroy everything going forward if it’s not addressed. And it will be addressed. I won’t just bottle it up and keep it inside me. That’s never worked well in the past. It certainly won’t work well in the future.

I got my sketch written for class tomorrow. I think I like it. It’s definitely keying much of the class into a big piece of who I am, but it’s good. I’ve got nothing to hide and in order to be as authentic as possible I need to live without secrets.

I feel like a part of me is sticking my head in the sand and refusing to fully accept reality, while another part of me is running as quickly as possible towards the realization of that reality. I’m not sure when those two will collide for me, but my guess is it’ll be soon. I’m ready for it to happen. It needs to happen. Pain is really only a temporary indication of a current situation. Growing past and working through that pain will allow me to develop in the manner I’m meant to develop. Wish me luck…. I have a feeling this might suck, for a bit.

Gratitude List:
Finally finishing my assignment for tomorrow
The ability to cry
Reordering

Today was very interesting. I ran from one thing to another, but everything fell into place well. I met my new sponsor and did some yoga! I really enjoyed the yoga and I have a feeling I’ll become very good friends with my new sponsor and his wife. Both were very nice and I had a great time getting to know them. I’m meeting them for a meeting tomorrow and then headed back into Manhattan. He is going to be a very positive force in my life. I’ll be one in his, too.

Everything continues to fall into place. I’m excited to find out where I’m headed. It’s like everything I need is falling into place in front of me and all I’ve got to do is accept the gift. I’ve got a lot of work (ugh, I hate that word) to do, but it’ll be fulfilling and won’t feel like work.

One thing I’ve realized is that I want to write. I have all of these great ideas, but I struggle with the execution. I’m going to have to explore some higher ed options a little further. I’m sure something will pop into place soon, or at least relatively soon. I’ve got some people I can reach out to which I’ll start doing soon. I also signed up for a class about Love today. I can’t wait to delve into that topic!

Gratitude List:
Love
My new sponsor and his wife
Taking my personal growth to the next level

Nothing went as planned this morning, but overall it went well. I had a nice time in the city this evening visiting friends and going to a meeting. I’m glad I was able to do that.

Lately I’ve been feeling like the city just really drains my energy. I’ve got to work on keeping that from happening. I really like going into the city and I’d much prefer it if the city energized me instead of the other way around.

Woohoo! So ready for bed. I wish that I was falling asleep with B wrapped in my arms, but that will have to be saved for another day. I’ve got a somewhat busy day tomorrow. I’m hoping to take some time out and do something like draw and just relax. I’m exhausted. I should also get to Ikea or somewhere and buy a mattress. I’d love to have something comfortable to sleep on.

Gratitude List:
NYC
Meetings
Time to relax

I went to the monthly reiki clinic tonight on the UWS. I really enjoyed it. It was nice to give a few strangers treatments and certainly nice to receive a treatment myself. I’m looking forward to giving myself another treatment when I go to bed in a few minutes. I should also work on starting a daily meditation practice again. I have a feeling if I start meditating on a regular basis I’ll find that it’s better now that I’ve started practicing reiki daily. It’s good to have goals, right?

I want to go to Amsterdam. I’d really like to go with B. That would be really fun. Actually, I just wish I was with B right now and I’m not. Hopefully I’ll get to see him tomorrow or Saturday. Now that I think about it I’ve got a pretty busy day tomorrow. Saturday shouldn’t be too bad.

For my writing class we have to write a parody of something. I keep thinking I’ll have the best idea ever at some point and then I’ll just go with that, but I’ve come up with nothing so far. I’ve still got a couple days, but my goal after last class was to write it and then let it sit for a day or two. That way I’d have time to revise it before bringing it to class.

Gratitude List:
C
A comfortable place to sleep
B

Ok, I’m at the house now. I’m tired and ready for bed, but since I haven’t been given my updates much time lately I figured I’d use tonight to change that. I’ll also be on the right day tomorrow, which is good.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I’m engaging with the world. And, more specifically, with how that has changed. I really have started engaging from a place of worthiness and vulnerability. The interactions I have with people are much more meaningful now than they ever have been in the past. I open up to them and they usually open up to me. It’s great to be having this experience. I hope I can continue with it going forward.

I’m so tired right now. I want to write more and get a bunch of stuff out of my system, but I have to go to bed. I simply can’t stay up any longer. Tomorrow I’m going to try to get started on a writing project I had the idea for yesterday. It would be a great opportunity for personal growth and I figure that’s the best writing project imaginable. Actually, maybe I should start that tonight.

I think it’s fascinating that right after I typed the last sentence I went and sent the email that I’d decided was going to start this project. I’m making progress! Tomorrow I’ll create the tumblr account and figure things out from there. Woohoo!

Gratitude List:
Seizing opportunities for personal growth
Action
Living without alarms

At B’s now. This just feels so right. I love this man. My heart belongs to him.

Gratitude List:
True love

I’m tired and apparently running a day behind now. I’m going through a period of reflection which is good. I haven’t much felt like writing about it. Maybe I will, someday, but for now I’m going to sit on everything going on. It’s good. Tomorrow I am going to devote more time to a post about today! I plan on doing that in the morning.

Gratitude List:
Never getting more than I can handle.
Opportunities to grow.
Sleeping on a couch that I’ve missed.

The reiki 2 class was awesome! I met some people I think I’ll become very good friends with. I have a feeling we’ll be able to help each other out a lot going forward.

I’m growing resentful of this comedy writing class. I know it’s silly, but my only commitment right now of a time and place is to this class in Manhattan for 3 hours on Monday. It’s making me feel so tied down. Like whoa!

Really though, it’s only temporary. Another month and the skies the limit. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ll find the sky to be a limit at all.

Gratitude list:
Truly seeing what’s really there.
Hearing what needs to be heard.
New opportunities.

I got home last night after eating with the girls and decided to lay down for a minute. This was around 6 pm… Got out of bed this morning at 6 am. I figure I probably needed the sleep and today I’m taking a reiki 2 class so I’m glad I’ll be fully rested. I do feel slightly sad that I didn’t go out with the crew in NYC last night because it could have been a lot of fun, but I’m happy with how things worked out.

Gratitude List:
Reiki 2 class!!!!
Future plans becoming more clear
Being able to afford the life I want to live.