Today was beyond exhausting. I ran around the city for about 12 hours. I started my day with a very interesting acupuncture appointment and a massage afterwards. After the massage I met a friend at the Met and wandered around the museum for hours before heading to my workshop on developing the heart qualities. I am so tired right now. I enjoyed the entire day, but the workshop was definitely a standout. I shared a lot of stuff in the workshop that felt great to get off my chest. I’ve also signed up to speak on Friday at an AA meeting so it was good practice for that. I’d really like to go up and speak as vulnerably as possible and really share from a deep place as opposed to keeping things superficial. I’ll get a lot more out of it if I don’t hold back.

Gratitude List:
Achieving personal growth
Identifying new possibilities for growth
Remaining vulnerable

Today was exactly what I needed it to be. I sat around, watched a bunch of youtube videos, made some food and basically just relaxed. Tomorrow is going to be a hectic, but really fun, day in the city. I’ve got acupuncture, followed by a reike/massage exchange, then meeting a friend at the Met and finishing with my workshop on developing the heart qualities. It’s totally packed and I’m already exhausted!

Gratitude List:
Being able to take the time to relax
Helpful guidance from a trusted, knowing ear
New opportunities

Today has been significantly better than the last few days. I’ve come to terms with everything with B. I’m grateful that he entered my life when he did. He provided me with the hope and determination to find the person I’m meant to be with. It may not have been him, but the guy I’m destined to spend the rest of my life with is out there and I’m looking forward to the search. It’s going to be awesome! I wish him the best going forward and will stay available to help him out in any way possible. I’m so grateful for the memory of Istanbul and the time I got to spend getting to know him. I hope for the best for him in the future!

Gratitude List:
Moving past difficult experiences
Much needed personal growth
Renewed vigor towards the search for my soul-mate

I spent quite a bit of time with B today. I called him this morning thinking I would apologize for continuing to push him into a relationship with me and that it’s not really fair to him since he’s made it clear he’s not ready for that. I’d decided I’d rather have him in my life on a limited basis than just cut him out entirely. On an emotional level I’m not really getting out of this what I want, but I’d rather have him in my life at this point than not in my life. Then I saw him today and decided I’d just be done with it. When I dropped him off at his place I’d come to the conclusion I really didn’t need to see him again and that I should just cut my losses at this point.

I feel really sad right now. And I don’t think it’s necessarily the B situation that’s making me sad, but I’m projecting all of these feelings onto that situation regardless. I’m mostly just homesick for Minneapolis. It’s not that I actually want to be back in Minneapolis – I don’t, but my life has changed so significantly I feel like it’s all just catching up to me now. I plan to just give it a few days and hope that things turn around. I’m sure it will. As far as B goes I’ll just not make any decisions regarding that right now. My head isn’t in a great place to be making decisions at this point.

Gratitude List:
Seeing my mother soon
A good night’s rest
Getting money from the disability people tomorrow

I’m once again very sad about the B situation. I spoke with him last night before going to bed and made it clear I’d like to see him more and that once a week really isn’t going to cut it. We could have gotten together last night and didn’t. I didn’t push him to come over and spend the night or invite me over, but the fact remains we could have gotten together and we didn’t. I sent him a text message earlier this afternoon asking him what he was doing and still have not gotten a reply. As sad as it makes me, I really do need to reframe how I’m thinking about this situation. I’d love nothing more than to make some sort of commitment to him (as in be boyfriends), but the last time I brought that up he told me he wasn’t ready for anything like that. I understand and respect that he’s not, but for my own sake I need to step away from this situation. Not run away, but step away. I can enjoy being around him when it works to be around him, but I’ve been pushing this into relationship land which is what I want, and he’s squarely keeping it away from that. I don’t think I’ll have a problem being friends with him and seeing him when I see him, but going forward I can’t approach this the way I’ve been approaching it. I’ve been viewing this as a relationship and it’s become abundantly clear that’s not what this is. I don’t plan on running out and immediately finding someone else, but I’m at the point where I have to keep that as an option. If someone intriguing presents them self I will consider seeing where things with him could go. It’s still possible B and I will end up together, but at this point it looks like we’re meant to be friends. We’re just both at very different places and have very different needs. Unfortunately those don’t align. It’s not my fault or his, it’s just the way it is. As sad as this makes me, I’m still so grateful for the trip we took to Istanbul and that he is still in my life if only in a limited way. He’s a great guy and I’m better for having spent the time we spent together. I think he’d say the same.

Gratitude List:
The ability to open myself up to love
B
D for making my yummy almond bars

This morning was difficult. I was sad about the B situation. I haven’t seen him in nearly a week and I’m not sure when I’ll get to see him again. It’s really hard because I’d love to spend a lot more time with him. I was also thinking about how we are both coming at this from very different situations. I know that he likes me, but I’m viewing this much more as a relationship and he’s not. He’s maybe viewing it more as a friend he’ll see when he sees. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m not emotionally getting out of this what I’d like to be getting out of this. I know myself well enough to know that it won’t take me too long to start looking elsewhere for the intimacy I need. I like (love?) B, but if he’s not able to provide that intimacy I’ll need to address that. I certainly will be better off having a conversation about it with him before making my mind up about anything.

I had a really fun evening! D and I went into the city and wandered around Central Park for a while. Afterwards we went to the Whitney Museum. There was a really great exhibit on this artist I’d never heard of named Jay Defeo. I’m really glad I got to see her work.

I’m tired now and headed to bed. I had really hoped to see B tonight, but it looks like that’s maybe not going to happen, again. The thing with B that annoys me is that he always seems to be doing something else and seeing me never seems to be a priority. For me seeing him is a priority. I want to see him and I’d like to spend more time with him. He seems to be doing other stuff and running on his own time without regard to me. I guess I just wish I was more of a priority. I do really plan on discussing this with him. I know if I don’t I’ll just bottle it up and get to the point where I can’t take it anymore and I walk away from this situation without discussing it with him. Really, we are both at very different places with this all and it’s very possible he can’t provide what I feel I need right now. I figure keeping the lines of communication open will be much better than not.

Gratitude List:
Learning about a new, great artist
Getting to know D better
Sleeping in a bed again

I’m having the most remarkable day and I haven’t even left the house yet!

I got up this morning and really wanted to have a productive day so one of the first things I did was write a list of things that I need to get accomplished. I’ve spent the rest of the day working to accomplish those and then as I think of other things I just add them to the list and then work towards achieving those goals. There has been so much productivity out of me today I simply can’t believe it. And the things that I didn’t even have on the list that popped up that I really needed to deal with are all in the process of being taken care of. I will certainly use this organizational tool in the future – actually, I should do it every day going forward. Once I get all the back log taken care of there really won’t be that much to do every day to keep things flowing smoothly. I feel like I’ve learned such a valuable lesson and such a wonderful tool to keep my organized in my life going forward. Woohoo! I love today!

The other thing that I am so extremely grateful for is this issue with the Insurance Company. I was told to call today and that the guy I’ve been working with will hopefully be able to tell me if a resolution has been reached. So, I’ll either be told they are sending me just over $1400, or that they aren’t. It’s also possible they’ll continue to kick the can down the road and refuse to give me a decision at this time. This seems to be a tactic they like employing. I figure it’s because they think I’ll eventually give up. Boy, do they have another thing coming to them in that regard. I’ve learned a lot about myself and the world in dealing with this situation. I’ve also gotten to the point where whatever they decide today I’m claiming as a victory for myself. If they do send me the money that’s great because I could desperately use the money. If they don’t, it’s also a victory for me because I’ll take this to the next level and figure out how to sue them in conciliation court. It’s a skill I’ve been meaning to learn for a while and this could potentially provide me with the opportunity to do just that. I’m so angry about this situation, but it’s no longer because I’m the victim. It’s because of the countless number of other people who are being victimized by the Insurance Company who aren’t blessed with the same situation I am. People who can’t speak up for themselves in the way I’m able to do. People who don’t have the financial resources to fall back on like I do. That’s the real tragedy in this story. The Insurance Company is immoral, dishonest and bullying the American public (their customers). If it takes me to my last dying breath, I will work to remove vulture capitalism from the world. I’m not coming after the Insurance Company, I’m coming after the way they do business. That’s what needs to be changed. That’s what I refuse to allow to happen anymore.

I just got a great writing idea! Oh I really need to do this. I’ll have to start blocking off time to do some writing and really explore that further. God I love today!

Gratitude List:
Learning new skills
The ability to be more organized
The strength, courage and conviction to change the world

Update: They are sending me the check. It feels like such a hollow victory. I’ve been gearing myself up for a fight that’s not going to be fought. I’m also glad I can go out and buy some stuff – like a mattress to sleep on since I’ve been sleeping on the floor at the house I’m squatting in. I’m certain there will be other fights to wage. This battle may have been won, but the war is still raging – and it’s that war that needs to be won.

More Gratitude:
A new perspective

Today was a great day! I got up this morning and created a list of 3 things to get done today and haven’t actually done any of them yet. I’m tired and want to go to bed now…. It’s a learning process. Tomorrow I don’t have much going on so I plan on making a list of 3 things tomorrow and actually getting them done tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I’ll even make the list longer than 3 things. Maybe I’ll even do 6 things to make up for the 3 things I didn’t get done today. Now that would be awesome!

The workshop I signed up for started tonight and was really great! I’m looking forward to learning more about Love. The instructor and other people that signed up for it all seem interesting as well. I’m excited to see where this could lead!

I also started a “thanks” project yesterday. Today is day two! I plan on sticking with this for a while because I’m certain I’ll grow a lot if I do. Woohoo! I’m so glad that I can identify areas where I can grow and then actually take action to accomplish that growth. I barely recognize the person I’m becoming and I love it!

Gratitude List:
The ability to work towards the personal growth I want to achieve.
The motivation to achieve my goals.
The resources to realize my dreams.

I have had a pretty productive day. I’ve managed to get most everything done I’d hoped to get done, but it’s like I start something and then start doing something else. Staying focused has been a bit of a problem and it’s definitely something I’d benefit from working on. I think what I should do at this point is start making lists every morning of all the things I would like to get done for the day. Put down at least 3 things, but add more if I’ve got a lot to do. Hopefully the process of just writing things down and visually seeing them, as well as having a list and being able to check things off, will be helpful. Tomorrow I’ll start doing lists. Yay! I’m excited for this.

Gratitude List:
Strategies for being more organized and productive
Definite plans to see my mother soon
Accomplishing a few things I’ve been meaning to get done

I need to give up control – along with the notion I have any. I need to just stop and accept this. And trust. I need to trust.