I am beyond exhausted right now. Drove back from DC earlier… Looking at my bed right now and can’t wait to crawl into it. I’m so grateful I get to sleep in tomorrow! Woohoo!

Gratitude List:
Sleeping in my own bed again
Being back in the house
Sleeping in tomorrow morning

It was a fun day hanging out with my mom, E and M. Sad she is leaving tomorrow to go back to MN. I’d love to hang out here longer, too, but I’m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed again and doing my own thing. I’ve been with people so much lately it’ll be nice to have some space. I’ve also been thinking more about the future and what my plans will be. So much swirling around in regards to all that. Hopefully I can take some time tomorrow and flesh out my plans a little more. I should come up with a more concrete game plan to go off of. I’m pretty sure if I lay it all out the best choice will become clear. I really want to travel for a while. I think that’ll be what I do next… Maybe even sooner rather than later. Hmm.

Gratitude List:
Awesome relatives to visit in DC
Seeing my mother again
Being back in my own space

Drive to DC with my mom today. I have a lot of future plans I’d like to flesh out a lot more on KP so as to give myself some more direction on it all, but tonight is not the night I’m going to do that. One of the next days I’m updating from my computer I plan on doing that. I’m thinking about a lot of different paths and should rein my focus in a little bit. It feels like everything is swirling around and some clarity would be wonderful! Aside from that, the drive went well and seeing Aunt M and E today was great. I’m really going to have to come back down here sooner rather than later. I’d love to take a few days and explore more museums and the cherry blossom festival that’s going on. The festival is going on right now, but we’re a little early for seeing the cherry blossoms. Tomorrow is going to be super fun since both E and M are going to bum around all day with my mom and me. I can’t wait! Such good people!

Gratitude List:
Being back in the DC area
Seeing both E and A
Clarity for future plans

I had a great time bumming around Manhattan with my mom today. We went to the 9/11 Memorial, shopped at Macy’s for a while, walked along the High Line park and ate dinner in Chelsea. Tomorrow we are headed to DC.

I struggled today at Macy’s. I really don’t need much of anything – especially if I’m headed across the globe soon. After moving so much crap out of my apartment a few months ago I hadn’t looked at in the 4 years I lived there, I’m reluctant to accumulate more and more stuff. I’m also really trying to take a hard look at how much I need. Realistically, stuff will never make me happy. My mom bought me a few things which was nice of her, but in looking at what she bought some of it just feels excessive. I got two pairs of jeans that I really wanted and they’re a brand I love, but I’ve never spent that much on a pair of jeans in my entire life. I always wait until I find a pair on sale and then scoop them up. I talked to my mom about it later and told her I think the jeans were a bit excessive, but she thinks if I like them it’s fine. I’m not sure. I mean I’ll probably keep them, but did I really need two pairs of jeans that cost about $280 total? Probably not. I guess I’ll have to think about it. I also got a pair of shoes I really like! They are blue and suede which is exactly what I wanted. They were more expensive, too, but I looked and looked at shoes and couldn’t really find anything else I wanted. I’m very excited about the shoes. One pair of jeans might go back, the shoes are staying.

It really has been great seeing my mom. I’m glad she came out here. She’s been bugging me a little bit about getting health insurance. She told me that she and my dad will pay for it because it’s something they really want me to have. The problem is, even with health insurance it’s likely any kind of medical emergency at this point will undoubtedly lead to bankruptcy for me. Even without a health emergency it’s very possible I’m headed down that road anyway. I haven’t been spending excessively since I lost my job, but I will admit I could be doing better about not spending money. My credit card debt has definitely climbed the last couple of months. It certainly doesn’t help that I’ve had $5000 in medical bills in the last year. I’m just really feeling like it’s unsustainable at this point. A fresh start would be nice as far as the debt goes. Not only that, but the consequences of a bankruptcy might be just what I need to make me more financially prudent. I should have been saving while I was working in Minneapolis and not living paycheck to paycheck. I’m going to give that whole situation a little more thought and see what I come up with.

This is a phone update and got really rambly… Oh well.

Gratitude List:
Spending time with my mother
Yummy food
A few new things I really could use
Going to DC tomorrow to see Aunt M, E and A!

My mother and I bummed around Manhattan all day and it was a lot of fun. We went to the Macy’s flower show (the one in Minneapolis is way better), Carnegie Hall, Times Square and then saw a play I really enjoyed. It’s nice to have her around and to spend time with her again. I’ve also begun thinking more about the future and what I’m going to do. I’m getting closer to when my unemployment runs out and I’ll have to figure out something to do then. Right now heading off to Thailand seems like a great idea, but I’ve got some preparation and research I need to do to make sure that all transitions easily. I’m also thinking more about going back to school. If that were to happen I’d probably get an MFA in creative writing or playwriting. I definitely want to write in the future, but I’m torn between traveling the world first or going into a program and getting the writing skills. I’m still really hoping that the world aligns and some fantastic golden opportunity presents itself. I realized as I was thinking about my future that what I really want to do is travel and learn as much about spirituality as possible all over the globe…. Hopefully that somehow plops into my lap. It’s good to have back up plans, too, so I plan to look into teaching English abroad and certifications I might want to get as well as writing programs I’d be interested in applying to.

Gratitude List:
Seeing my mother again
Being able to see a thought provoking play
A good night’s sleep

Picked my mom up from the airport earlier tonight and then went to dinner at a thai place with her, M and M. It was a lot of fun. I’m happy to see my mom again. It’s been about 2 months and I’ve never gone this long without seeing her.

I feel like a beached whale. Seriously, this is not good. I certainly need to slim down. I haven’t actually gained any weight in taking this year off from the gym, but my body composition has certainly changed. It really hasn’t been until the last few days that I’ve felt like I’ve gained a bunch of weight. It’s quite uncomfortable. Hopefully I’ll feel better about it tomorrow. I’m not sure what has prompted this or if it’s just like how one day you feel different about yourself, but you have to get to a certain point before you notice. I hope it passes, but it’s also possible that this is the kick in the ass I need to really work to strengthen my knees and be able to start being more active. I do want to get back into the gym or start running. I remember how I felt when I was working out quite a bit and I want to feel that way again. Until I have plastic surgery and deal with the things about my body I can’t stand or change through diet or exercise I’m not sure I’ll be able to be truly happy with it, but at this point I just feel gross. I’m not even sure I’d be able to mess around with someone I like and feel comfortable around at this point like B. There’s no way I could meet someone new and form a relationship right now. I went out to fellowship after the meeting on Friday and there was this super cute guy there. He sat next to me at dinner and when he sat down gave me the appraisal where he just looked me up and down and I immediately felt like I came up short, although he gave no outward indication good or bad about what I looked like or what kind of shape I’m in. Immediately when it happened though I entered a world where despite how cute he was, I could never take my shirt off around him – it’s just not anything I’d be comfortable with after that. Or probably before that for that matter. My new goal is going to be getting more exercise. Once M and M move out to the new house I’ll be able to start riding M(a)’s bike around. I’d still rather not spend the money on a gym membership so that will be a good way to do it. I’m looking forward to it. Wow, long phone update.

Gratitude List:
Seeing my mother again
Being in a hotel – so much more civilized than squatting!
Exploring the city and doing new things the next couple days

My mother is coming today! I’m really excited to see her for a few days. I’m also very excited to be headed to DC and see my favorite aunt, cousin and his fiance. Woohoo!

I decided to skip my class today. I didn’t get my sketch written and then realized how unprepared I was for my mom’s visit. I’m basically taking the entire week off from doing any type of life maintenance work so I’ve spent the morning making phone calls and getting a few things sorted out. It’s been good. I wish I’d been able to go to class and have a sketch written, but we were writing political sketches for this week and I was planning on writing something very ugly about the lunch between the two popes. It’s probably best that’s going to stay swirling around in my head and never see the light of day….

Well it’s time to eat some lunch and get back to being productive and getting some things done.

Gratitude List:
Funny comedy shows
Seeing my mother!
A productive day of maintenance work

I’m tired. I am back at the new house and I can’t wait to fall asleep for the first night on the mattress I purchased! It might prove to be a little too soft – I definitely prefer a firmer mattress, but for the price I can’t complain. I’m grateful to not be sleeping on the floor anymore and to have found something that will work at least for the short term. Tomorrow should be a fun day. I still have to write my sketch for UCB on something political. I have a pretty good idea of what I’ll write it on. Now I’m just hoping that inspiration strikes and I get a great idea on how to do it. Funny can be hard to do when it’s forced. At least for me right now it is. Maybe it won’t be like that forever.

I’ve also decided to commemorate finally getting a mattress the 23rd of March, and every future 23rd of March, is officially designated rest appreciation day. It shall be a day of napping and relaxing – hopefully like every other day.

I also had a pretty epic trip to Whole Foods today. I found out that if you buy a whole case of something they give you 10% off. I bought a whole case of chocolate bars (12 bars total) so I got them discounted. In addition to the chocolate I bought a small daffodil plant. For some reason daffodils always make me happy and I was really feeling like I needed some cheering up this morning.

Gratitude List:
Checking out a new meeting and making new friends
Suggestions on other meetings to check out
Being back in the new house with a mattress beneath me

I shared tonight at an AA meeting. It went alright. I only had 15 minutes to share so yesterday and today I spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out how I’d do it, but 15 minutes really wasn’t enough time to go through my story and hit all the high (actually low) points. On the train ride into the city I decided to do it entirely different than I’d planned. It was a great learning experience and if I’m asked to share again I’m sure it’ll be better and more thought out. I can’t expect myself to know how to do things (and be good at doing them) without trying or any real practice. There is certainly a learning curve to public speaking – a learning curve I’m very interested in finding more about out.

It was also not until I started to think about what I was going to share for this that I realized the manic episodes and my bipolar diagnosis were really a consequence of my using. Prior to today I’d always viewed them as separate (even if very intertwined) events. I’m going to have to think about this more. I’ve got a lot I should explore with that issue.

Gratitude List:
The opportunity to share part of my story
Connecting the dots
Getting a mattress in the mail today and getting back into the new house

Today has primarily been about relaxing. It’s been nice. Yesterday was so packed with activity that I’ve really needed a day to just sit back and relax. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I’m going to say at the meeting tomorrow when I speak. I only have 15 minutes and the hardest part at this point is figuring out what to include when I do speak. There is just so much I could blabber on for much longer than 15 minutes. I’m going to get up in the morning and tackle this further. I feel like I have to tell my story and qualify myself to be there, but I’d also much rather spend more time focusing on the positive aspects of sobriety. The meeting is also about ‘adventures’ in sobriety so I don’t want to spend too much time focused on the using part of my story. I’ll get it figured out tomorrow. I have plenty of time to think about it.

Gratitude List:
Living life without morning alarms
The opportunity to share my story
Being able to be back in the house soon