M___!

Greetings from Istanbul! How is my favorite Aunt?!?!?

B met me today. I picked him up at the airport. Unfortunately, I’m proving to be a terrible tour guide. Thankfully he has low expectations.

After an unexpected 2 hour walking tour of Istanbul we found a room! Or rather, it found us. It’s perfect. It has a pink ceiling and a comfortable bed. B was really jet lagged from the flight so we’ve just been doing what we do. It’s great to hold him in my arms again. I can’t believe it’s been a week since I saw him. Or that I’ve only known him for a couple weeks now.

I love him. And I told him so today. I hadn’t expected to, but it just came out. I hope he’s able to accept my love. And that we can be together. Neither of those are things I am certain of at this point, but I told him today that I love him and that I will allow him to break my heart. He couldn’t promise not to, which I get. He’s got such a beautiful soul he’d never do anything to intentionally hurt me, but I can’t control what I have no control over and it’s possible the universe, or this world, has other plans. I guess time will tell. It’s such a beautiful thing to be vulnerable to someone else. Certainly tough, but I wouldn’t give it up for the world. I’m extremely grateful to finally be having an authentic experience. And to be able to love so deeply again, of course.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that I don’t process this world or the things around me in the same way a lot of other people do. It’s not something bad, or anything to be afraid of. Rather, I need to embrace it as something that makes me different. Something that makes me special. Something to be celebrated. Something to love. It’s not something that needs to be medicated. I am a square peg that will never fit into a round hole. And I don’t want to. I don’t need to. And I won’t.

I bought Benjamin a single red rose at the airport. I can’t believe someone would fly all the way to Istanbul just to be with me! How wonderful. I’m so grateful to be having this experience with him, now. Finally.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t take the rose with us. As I was looking for a place to stay yesterday one of the hotel people made it abundantly clear we would not be rented a room with a single bed. I was reluctant to walk into hotels with him carrying the rose I had given him while asking for rooms to rent. So we left it, on a seat, at the airport. It makes me mad as hell. So fucking mad. But, I suppose, this is still the world in which I live. And really, my lily-livered self hasn’t done much to change that up until now. I used to wish I’d had to overcome some type of adversity growing up. You know, to make me a stronger person. I mean really, most everything I ever needed was basically provided to me. It’s not until recently that I’ve realized the adversity I have overcome and the strength that’s given me. I plan to utilize that going forward. And hopefully, to change the world. I guess we’ll see about that part.

Do you think it’s possible for two broken people to rehabilitate each other together? I certainly hope it is.

I hope this email finds you well! Catch me up on what’s going on. I’ve attached a couple pictures for you! Tell E____ and A____ hi for me!

Love,

Andrew

Hi Mom!

Andrew

Gratitude List:
B – B – B – B -B – B – B
Love.
Vulnerability on a level never before experienced.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. And the kind words. If you want there’s a lot more of my writing at http://www.kittenparachutes.com. I set a goal for myself to write one post a day for the next year. It doesn’t need to be perfect and everything is in a pretty rough form. I just sit down and bang out an update everyday. Lately I’ve felt a need to write. It helps me order my thoughts and provides a cathartic outlet for working through the emotions I have about past experiences. I’m very happy I started doing this. Things seemed to get a lot more interesting in February. I’ve been crying a lot, too. I have a feeling that once I work through this and get the crying out I’ll feel much happier. I’ll also have a wonderful emotional depth to draw on. I’m looking forward to where this life is going to take me. I have a feeling I’m going to reach my limitless potential! And, of course, help others do the same.

I’m picking B up from the airport very soon! I can’t wait!

Gratitude List:
Being with B again.
Reaching my limitless potential.
The opportunity to help others.

Sometimes traveling to a new place can lead to a great transformation.

I just don’t want to hate myself anymore. I was so mean for so long. I can’t believe the things I did. The things I said to myself. The way I treated myself and the worth I thought I had. I need to learn to forgive, but the person I need to forgive is no one but myself. I was born into a cruel, cold world that systematically destroyed any dream I ever had, but it was a conscious decision I made on my part to remain sick. To not allow myself to grow past my problems and flourish as the person deep inside I really do want to be. I think that person is deep inside me, somewhere. It has to be. Otherwise, there really is no hope. Nothing to strive for and nothing to live for. I can’t live in a world without hope. And based on past experiences I’ll never be able to kill myself. I’ve tried that. It didn’t work. So, based on that loose piece of logic, there must be hope. If I live in this world and I am alive, there must be hope. And I must live with it. And here. I must live here. Now. Not looking forward or past, trying to figure out when I’ll be happy or when life will finally be ok.

I feel emotionally destroyed right now. I feel so deeply, but so often it’s just pain and sadness. I want to feel more. To live in the light of the world. To live in love. To be love.

I think I can do it. I want to do it. Please, can’t someone just help me. Show me how? I’m sick of being on my own. So sick of it. B – please help me live in the light. I can’t do this anymore without you. It’s taken so long to find you. Please, B, be the light I need in my life.

And now I can’t stop crying. I feel so, so sad. I DON’T WANT TO BE SAD ANYMORE. But, can I live happy? Can I trust myself? Can I trust the world to not take away the happiness I have inside me like it’s so cruelly done in the past? I have to try. I don’t have any other option at this point.

I might be mentally ill. I don’t know. Clearly, if nothing else I’m at least slightly deranged. And honestly, I’ll take that. Slightly deranged. Not quite right. That I can handle. What I do know is that I’m doing the best I can with what this world has provided me. Just like I think deep down everyone is. My hope, for this planet, is that we start doing better. That this place becomes a bit nicer. That people stop being so focused on themselves and what they have and more focused on others and what they don’t have. My goal, my divine life mission, is to make the world a better place. An easier place for everyone to live. A place where everyone has what they need. A lofty goal, to be sure, but something I’m committed to spending the rest of my life achieving. I’ve gone deep into the darkness. I’ve lived in hell. A hell I created through this world in which we live. My own personal hell. Now it’s time to create heaven. Heaven on Earth, as it were.

And now, I’m calling all the Angels. The time is now. We are here. Let’s get started.

J___!

Andrew

Istanbul day 2 here I come!

Ok, so I’ve had quite a bit on my mind lately and need to write about it. I had hoped to bang out a quick post on the computer at the hostel, but not surprisingly that keyboard is not the standard American keyboard I’m used to which means we’re doing a phone update. I want to get this off my mind before heading off for the day.

First, I got an email last night that I wasn’t selected to go forward with Norway. I was really hoping that would work out. I’m certainly bummed it’s not going to, but I’m ok with this situation. I really bared my soul in that application video. I apparently wasn’t what they were looking for, which sucks, but I definitely gained from this experience. Having Norway, or the hope of Norway, on the horizon has definitely influenced how I’ve spent the last couple months. I’m not sure I would have been able to leave behind Minneapolis and make some of the major changes I’ve made if I hadn’t remained hopeful and optimistic that it would work out. And today I have something I didn’t have before applying, which is a much clearer path forward. I really am good at this comedy sketch writing and if I work at it that could turn into something. Had I not had Norway to preoccupy my thoughts and plans for the future, I wouldn’t have been able to reach the point I’m at today. It’s because of Norway that I was able to get past the stress of not having a job or any prospects for work in the future. Without that hope I would have been much more stressed out and possibly even tried for a more traditional path forward – aka another shitty cubicle job I was destined to hate. Because of Norway I took some major risks and was able to just roll with life for the present time. That in itself is a miracle and something I’m tremendously grateful for. I seem to be planting roots in the NYC area now. Perhaps I’m meant to stick around there for a while. I guess we’ll see.

B is coming on the 17th and I couldn’t be happier. I can’t wait to see him again and explore this amazing city with him. And, of course, to fall asleep with him in my arms. I can’t believe how long it’s been since we did that and I’ve known him for less than two weeks at this point.

There is a guy from France that was in the same room as me at the hostel. He just left, in fact. He’s very good looking and last night got into bed shirtless. Statement of truth: I like sex and think about it a lot. A lot. Seeing this hot guy from France made me want to have some ridiculous experience in Istanbul with hot Turkish men. The problem is, I don’t really like having ridiculous experiences like that very often. And when I do, it’s not the intimacy I’m really craving. B is able to provide that intimacy. I’m also certain if I really wanted I could reason away the fact that B and I haven’t committed to each other in any way. I’m not sure if I can call him my boyfriend because we haven’t had that conversation. I do, however, want to call him my boyfriend. I also don’t want to mess around with anyone but him and would be quite disappointed if I found out he had. I’m not worried about that, though, because that’s not what he’s about. We’ve shared a bed quite a few nights at this point, but the actual sex is going slowly. And I’m ok with that. Actually, I prefer it. It’s nice to be intimate on the level we are without the messiness of sex. It adds another dimension that very well could have made it impossible for me to develop this intimacy with him. I’m so grateful to have him in my life. I cannot wait to hug him at the airport in 2 days and spend more time with him. It’s going to be so wonderful. I also plan on having a conversation with him about where this is headed. Ideally I’d like to be able to call him my boyfriend and have some sort of commitment going forward. Develop a higher level of trust and feelings toward him. That’s not to say I don’t trust him now, I do, I just want more at this point. I like where this is headed. If I get my heartbroken so be it. At least I’ll finally be having an authentic experience allowing myself to be vulnerable to something I have no control over. That in itself is such a gift – such a blessing I’m so grateful for.

That said, today marks one year since I was able to wean off all psychotropic medication with the guidance of my doctor. I feel like I can finally live life again. It’s truly one of the greatest accomplishments I’ll ever achieve. Everything past this point is just gravy – the icing on the cake. I know I’m not crazy right now. I can feel it in my bones. Despite the concerns other people have had, I know this is real. And I have to know this is real. To trust my thoughts and actions going forward as being of sound mind and body. Thank you, god. Buddha. Mohammed. Whomever you are, I appreciate this with all my heart. And I’ll never forget where I’ve been or where I’m headed.

And with that it’s time to start day 2 exploring Istanbul! I can’t wait!

Gratitude List:
The life I’ve always wanted.
The love I’ve always craved.
The ability to live without reservations.

I’m on a flight to Istanbul! I love the life I’m currently living. I mean really, I got up yesterday and booked this flight for today. It’s so great that my only obligation right now is a class at UCB on Mondays in the afternoon. Aside from that, I can be wherever I want doing whatever I want.

Benjamin is so great. I like him so much and I like so many things about him. I love that every time we talk on the phone the first thing out of his mouth is “what are you doing” in his adorable accent. We haven’t even talked that much on the phone, but each time I hear him ask me that it makes me feel happy. And I know that he really wants to know what I’m doing because he’s genuinely interested. I’m trying to keep a level head about this. I really am, but I’m awash in these emotions and feelings I’ve never had for someone before and I love it. It feels right. Realistically speaking, I’ve only known him for a week and a half. It feels like I’ve known him forever. And that I’d like to know him forever.

There are a few variables in the next few days, but I’m going to put a call out to my angels: Please deliver Benjamin to Istanbul on the 17th. I want to be with him.

Update: Benjamin is going to fly here in a couple days. I can’t wait!

Hi mom,

PS on second thought maybe you shouldn’t come and visit. There are quite a few adorable, well fed looking cats wandering around this city. I’m concerned you’d walk around it collecting them and taking them all home. I know how it is with you and adopting cats. 🙂

Going to get a head start on the post today. When I get off the flight it’ll be tomorrow… And I’ll be in Istanbul! Yay!

Hi _____!

Andrew

Gratitude List:
All of the people who have helped me become the person I am today and all the others who will help me become the person I’ll be tomorrow.
Living life to the fullest.
Conquering my fears.

Today was a pretty monumental day. It’s been filled with a tremendous amount of excitement and one monumental breakdown. I guess you take the good with the bad, right?

While playing around online this morning and looking for trips I could take I found a flight to Istanbul that was very reasonably priced. I hemmed and hawed for a little while knowing this was not a financially savvy decision on my part, but in the end decided I could make it work and I’d be an idiot not to take advantage of this situation. So I did. I’m flying to Istanbul tomorrow and will return on 2/21. I can’t wait! It’s going to be so much fun and such an amazing adventure. I don’t have my sketch writing class next Monday so I have the time to go. Plus, I found out I’m getting $1200 back for my tax returns. I’d much rather spend money on experiences than stuff. B is going to try to get a flight out in a few days, too, so hopefully we can spend some time exploring Istanbul together. I’d love nothing more than to share this experience with him.

The breakdown came later on in the day. I decided that as a courtesy to my parents I should really let them know I’m going. I’m 30 years old and don’t need to ask permission, but I figure they deserve a heads up if I’m going to be flying 5000 miles away. I called my mom and tried to pitch it as a fun adventure I’m lucky to have. She blew up. I lost my cool and ended the conversation. My father called. My parents have decided that I’m (literally) crazy (again). And that they’re going to need to pick up the pieces when it falls apart, like they’ve always had to do with me and both of my brothers.

I get it. I really do. I understand where they are coming from. My parents have had to endure more pain because of the actions my brothers and I have taken than any parent should ever have to endure. And I’m sorry for that. I truly am. It’s unfair to them. They are kind and loving parents. They deserve to have successful, well adjusted children. And someday they will. What I think they sometimes fail to realize is the pain we, as their children, have endured. Not because of them, but because of the circumstances this life has borne unto us. My brothers and I have not had it easy. And we deserve to grow, to flourish as independent adults and to live our lives the way we see fit. Without judgment. It’s time they allow us to grow out of these roles. It’s time we all move on. I hope the conversations I had today can be a catalyst for that change. An opportunity for my parents to change the lens through which they view my brothers and me, their children. It’s really not serving anyone well at this point.

I have worked my motherfucking ass off to get to where I am today. And by all accounts, I shouldn’t be here. The number of times I overdosed on pills and booze, drove drunk (or in a blackout), took a razor to my wrist, contemplated blowing my head off with a shotgun or tried to destroy myself from the inside out by not eating will remain a remarkable testament to the fact that I literally SHOULD NOT BE HERE TODAY. Yet, somehow, I am. By the grace of God I survived a self destructive phase that should have killed me. I’m convinced I have an angel watching over me and the only reason I’m here today is to make a positive difference in the world around me. To help people in some way. I’m also convinced it’s my life mission to realize this goal. I owe it to the world. To the people I did, or could, have hurt with my actions.

My parents mean the world to me. Given the opportunity, I’d never do anything to hurt them. Ever. Unfortunately, I can’t structure my life in a way that will avoid causing them any stress. It’s not fair to me.

2.15.13 will mark one year since I quit taking any psychotropic medication. Considering at the height of it I was taking 3 mood stabilizers, 1 antidepressant and 2 benzos to manage my “bipolar” disorder this is a major achievement. This last year has presented me with a tremendous number of challenges and new opportunities – major surgery on both of my knees, leaving a job I hated and moving out East, etc, but it’s also been the best year of my life. I no longer hate myself down to the very core of my being. Actually, I rather like myself and am happy to be the person I am today. I like what I’m doing today. I like where my life is headed and can’t wait to see where it takes me. I’m grateful for all that I have. I’m especially grateful that I don’t have to live in that self-imposed hell any longer.

One of the things I tried to impress on my father today, as he was explaining how much my brothers and I have put him and my mother through, was how much my brothers and I have been through. That yes, it was a horrible experience for them, but it was a much worse experience for us. At least for me it was. I guess I can’t talk to my brothers’ experiences, but I assume it was just as bad for them as it was for me. It has taken me a decade to trust my own thoughts and actions again. Not being able to trust whether your own mind is giving you accurate information – that your thoughts are consistent with reality, is one of the most devastating aspects of mental illness. I don’t want to live my life monitoring my mood and trying to decide in my head if how I’m feeling is how I’m supposed to be feeling. I can’t live my life like that. I need to be able to trust that my thoughts aren’t tricking me. And I do. Finally. I realize I just booked a last minute flight to Istanbul this morning – an impulsive move on my part, but it was borne of rational, well thought out ideas. There’s really no one more committed to making sure I don’t go through that again than me. I can’t go through that again. I don’t have another round in me. And I’ve done the work to ensure that I won’t. I have been sober from drugs and alcohol for 3.5 years. I’ve made the decision, once and for all, that I will not drink or use drugs. There’s no going back on it. I have quit drinking caffeine, I get adequate amounts of sleep on a daily basis, I meditate, and I eat well. I’ve made a tremendous number of changes – very positive changes, that have given me my life back. And I refuse to give that up. I refuse to be sick.

I am a miracle.

And with that, I should go pack. 8 days in Istanbul…. I must be the luckiest man alive!

Gratitude List:
Growing into the person I’m supposed to be.
Wonderful people I can reach out to in times of need. Aunt M, J, C, L, M
A fun adventure.