Strange time for an update for yesterday…. Anyway.

My inability to deal with uncertainty has gotten tremendously better the past few months. With everything so uncertain for my future – namely my finances, where I’ll be living, what I’ll be doing for income, etc, I’m doing a remarkable job of just rolling with things and seeing where the universe takes me. I like it, a lot. It’s nice to give up control – which for so long was something I absolutely could not do. There’s a power in just turning it over and knowing that everything will work out. And really, I do believe that everything will work out in time. I just have to give it time. Wow, I’m getting that warm and fuzzy feeling on the inside just thinking about it. I am not in control. I cannot tell myself that enough. How wonderful.

That said, the one area I have the hardest time just rolling with things, and always have had the most trouble with, is when I’m in the process of seeing someone. I simply can’t deal with the uncertainty because it drives me fucking nuts. I’ve gotten much better at it and the results are clear – I’m seeing someone for basically the second time in my entire life. Considering I’ve never been in an LTR this is a huge step for me. Unfortunately, I still have flare ups from the drama queen that lives inside me. I had one just the other night when I posted about how things with Benjamin are done. Thankfully, I don’t see her very often anymore, but at times she still rears her ugly head and takes over. She used to rule my life and she doesn’t anymore, so I’ve certainly come a long way with it all. But clearly, I’ve got some more work to do.

Things with B are not done. I woke up with him next to me this morning which was the best gift I could have ever asked for on my 31st birthday. I still don’t know where this is headed and I don’t need to. Not right now anyway. I can just enjoy it for what it is and be grateful to be having the experience I’m having with him, now. If it’s meant to be forever that will fall into place. If not I’ll figure that out, too. I like it a lot for what it is now. Yay me!

I fear I’ve found a new addiction: personal growth. As far as addictions go, it’s probably a good one to have. I’m constantly looking for experiences and ways I can better myself as a person and grow. It’s going to be very interesting to see where this takes me. I have a feeling it’ll be to great heights.

Gratitude List:
Not fearing birthdays
Waking up next to someone I care about
Waking up next to someone who cares about me

Love List:
Uncertainty
B
My mother