Sometimes traveling to a new place can lead to a great transformation.

I just don’t want to hate myself anymore. I was so mean for so long. I can’t believe the things I did. The things I said to myself. The way I treated myself and the worth I thought I had. I need to learn to forgive, but the person I need to forgive is no one but myself. I was born into a cruel, cold world that systematically destroyed any dream I ever had, but it was a conscious decision I made on my part to remain sick. To not allow myself to grow past my problems and flourish as the person deep inside I really do want to be. I think that person is deep inside me, somewhere. It has to be. Otherwise, there really is no hope. Nothing to strive for and nothing to live for. I can’t live in a world without hope. And based on past experiences I’ll never be able to kill myself. I’ve tried that. It didn’t work. So, based on that loose piece of logic, there must be hope. If I live in this world and I am alive, there must be hope. And I must live with it. And here. I must live here. Now. Not looking forward or past, trying to figure out when I’ll be happy or when life will finally be ok.

I feel emotionally destroyed right now. I feel so deeply, but so often it’s just pain and sadness. I want to feel more. To live in the light of the world. To live in love. To be love.

I think I can do it. I want to do it. Please, can’t someone just help me. Show me how? I’m sick of being on my own. So sick of it. B – please help me live in the light. I can’t do this anymore without you. It’s taken so long to find you. Please, B, be the light I need in my life.

And now I can’t stop crying. I feel so, so sad. I DON’T WANT TO BE SAD ANYMORE. But, can I live happy? Can I trust myself? Can I trust the world to not take away the happiness I have inside me like it’s so cruelly done in the past? I have to try. I don’t have any other option at this point.

I might be mentally ill. I don’t know. Clearly, if nothing else I’m at least slightly deranged. And honestly, I’ll take that. Slightly deranged. Not quite right. That I can handle. What I do know is that I’m doing the best I can with what this world has provided me. Just like I think deep down everyone is. My hope, for this planet, is that we start doing better. That this place becomes a bit nicer. That people stop being so focused on themselves and what they have and more focused on others and what they don’t have. My goal, my divine life mission, is to make the world a better place. An easier place for everyone to live. A place where everyone has what they need. A lofty goal, to be sure, but something I’m committed to spending the rest of my life achieving. I’ve gone deep into the darkness. I’ve lived in hell. A hell I created through this world in which we live. My own personal hell. Now it’s time to create heaven. Heaven on Earth, as it were.

And now, I’m calling all the Angels. The time is now. We are here. Let’s get started.