Istanbul day 2 here I come!

Ok, so I’ve had quite a bit on my mind lately and need to write about it. I had hoped to bang out a quick post on the computer at the hostel, but not surprisingly that keyboard is not the standard American keyboard I’m used to which means we’re doing a phone update. I want to get this off my mind before heading off for the day.

First, I got an email last night that I wasn’t selected to go forward with Norway. I was really hoping that would work out. I’m certainly bummed it’s not going to, but I’m ok with this situation. I really bared my soul in that application video. I apparently wasn’t what they were looking for, which sucks, but I definitely gained from this experience. Having Norway, or the hope of Norway, on the horizon has definitely influenced how I’ve spent the last couple months. I’m not sure I would have been able to leave behind Minneapolis and make some of the major changes I’ve made if I hadn’t remained hopeful and optimistic that it would work out. And today I have something I didn’t have before applying, which is a much clearer path forward. I really am good at this comedy sketch writing and if I work at it that could turn into something. Had I not had Norway to preoccupy my thoughts and plans for the future, I wouldn’t have been able to reach the point I’m at today. It’s because of Norway that I was able to get past the stress of not having a job or any prospects for work in the future. Without that hope I would have been much more stressed out and possibly even tried for a more traditional path forward – aka another shitty cubicle job I was destined to hate. Because of Norway I took some major risks and was able to just roll with life for the present time. That in itself is a miracle and something I’m tremendously grateful for. I seem to be planting roots in the NYC area now. Perhaps I’m meant to stick around there for a while. I guess we’ll see.

B is coming on the 17th and I couldn’t be happier. I can’t wait to see him again and explore this amazing city with him. And, of course, to fall asleep with him in my arms. I can’t believe how long it’s been since we did that and I’ve known him for less than two weeks at this point.

There is a guy from France that was in the same room as me at the hostel. He just left, in fact. He’s very good looking and last night got into bed shirtless. Statement of truth: I like sex and think about it a lot. A lot. Seeing this hot guy from France made me want to have some ridiculous experience in Istanbul with hot Turkish men. The problem is, I don’t really like having ridiculous experiences like that very often. And when I do, it’s not the intimacy I’m really craving. B is able to provide that intimacy. I’m also certain if I really wanted I could reason away the fact that B and I haven’t committed to each other in any way. I’m not sure if I can call him my boyfriend because we haven’t had that conversation. I do, however, want to call him my boyfriend. I also don’t want to mess around with anyone but him and would be quite disappointed if I found out he had. I’m not worried about that, though, because that’s not what he’s about. We’ve shared a bed quite a few nights at this point, but the actual sex is going slowly. And I’m ok with that. Actually, I prefer it. It’s nice to be intimate on the level we are without the messiness of sex. It adds another dimension that very well could have made it impossible for me to develop this intimacy with him. I’m so grateful to have him in my life. I cannot wait to hug him at the airport in 2 days and spend more time with him. It’s going to be so wonderful. I also plan on having a conversation with him about where this is headed. Ideally I’d like to be able to call him my boyfriend and have some sort of commitment going forward. Develop a higher level of trust and feelings toward him. That’s not to say I don’t trust him now, I do, I just want more at this point. I like where this is headed. If I get my heartbroken so be it. At least I’ll finally be having an authentic experience allowing myself to be vulnerable to something I have no control over. That in itself is such a gift – such a blessing I’m so grateful for.

That said, today marks one year since I was able to wean off all psychotropic medication with the guidance of my doctor. I feel like I can finally live life again. It’s truly one of the greatest accomplishments I’ll ever achieve. Everything past this point is just gravy – the icing on the cake. I know I’m not crazy right now. I can feel it in my bones. Despite the concerns other people have had, I know this is real. And I have to know this is real. To trust my thoughts and actions going forward as being of sound mind and body. Thank you, god. Buddha. Mohammed. Whomever you are, I appreciate this with all my heart. And I’ll never forget where I’ve been or where I’m headed.

And with that it’s time to start day 2 exploring Istanbul! I can’t wait!

Gratitude List:
The life I’ve always wanted.
The love I’ve always craved.
The ability to live without reservations.