Strange time for an update for yesterday…. Anyway.

My inability to deal with uncertainty has gotten tremendously better the past few months. With everything so uncertain for my future – namely my finances, where I’ll be living, what I’ll be doing for income, etc, I’m doing a remarkable job of just rolling with things and seeing where the universe takes me. I like it, a lot. It’s nice to give up control – which for so long was something I absolutely could not do. There’s a power in just turning it over and knowing that everything will work out. And really, I do believe that everything will work out in time. I just have to give it time. Wow, I’m getting that warm and fuzzy feeling on the inside just thinking about it. I am not in control. I cannot tell myself that enough. How wonderful.

That said, the one area I have the hardest time just rolling with things, and always have had the most trouble with, is when I’m in the process of seeing someone. I simply can’t deal with the uncertainty because it drives me fucking nuts. I’ve gotten much better at it and the results are clear – I’m seeing someone for basically the second time in my entire life. Considering I’ve never been in an LTR this is a huge step for me. Unfortunately, I still have flare ups from the drama queen that lives inside me. I had one just the other night when I posted about how things with Benjamin are done. Thankfully, I don’t see her very often anymore, but at times she still rears her ugly head and takes over. She used to rule my life and she doesn’t anymore, so I’ve certainly come a long way with it all. But clearly, I’ve got some more work to do.

Things with B are not done. I woke up with him next to me this morning which was the best gift I could have ever asked for on my 31st birthday. I still don’t know where this is headed and I don’t need to. Not right now anyway. I can just enjoy it for what it is and be grateful to be having the experience I’m having with him, now. If it’s meant to be forever that will fall into place. If not I’ll figure that out, too. I like it a lot for what it is now. Yay me!

I fear I’ve found a new addiction: personal growth. As far as addictions go, it’s probably a good one to have. I’m constantly looking for experiences and ways I can better myself as a person and grow. It’s going to be very interesting to see where this takes me. I have a feeling it’ll be to great heights.

Gratitude List:
Not fearing birthdays
Waking up next to someone I care about
Waking up next to someone who cares about me

Love List:
Uncertainty
B
My mother

It’s interesting how much things can change over the course of one day – especially a day in which I feel like next to nothing happened. And really, next to nothing happened today.

Things with B and I are over. I guess what burns fast and intense burns out quickly, too. I’m ok with it. I feel like we both left each other better off than we were when we started and I’ll never forget the memory of him and the time we spent together. Istanbul was a great adventure – romantic and fun. A memory I’ll cherish for a lifetime. It wasn’t meant to be and I’m ok with that. I feel sad about it, but life will move on. I’ve never allowed myself to be vulnerable to someone the way I did with B. And I couldn’t have chosen a nicer guy to allow to break my heart for the first time. I’m learning, growing as a person, and this experience definitely taught me a lot about love, life and happiness. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I get my heartbroken. It seems to be a pretty big part of falling in love and finding true love. I’m extremely grateful for the time we were able to spend together and the growth I’ve achieved. I wish the best for him in the future.

Gratitude List:
Developing emotionally
People to reach out to
A full night’s rest

Love List:
B

Morning update!

Yesterday was good. I had my class at UCB which was interesting, to say the least. I like being funny and writing funny things, but the thing I’m realizing is that (1) I want to write and (2) I want it to be so much more than just funny. It needs to have a deeper message. Humor is definitely a gift I’ve been given that I need to utilize in order to make a point and get my message across, but there’s so much more I want to express than just humor. Although I really like my writing class at UCB, I am being taught to write humor in a very specific and rigid manner. It’s not something I can’t do, I just want to do more at this point. And I want the flexibility to do more and to really create in the manner I see most fit. I’ve never fit well into boxes. I’ve got a few writer friends and plan on sending out a few emails asking for any help or guidance with it all. I’m sure someone will be able to point me in the right direction and my next steps will unfold quickly. I’m so excited to explore this further and see where it takes me!

I’ve also been keeping a gratitude list for a while. It’s been great! I like remaining grateful and naming a few specific things I’m grateful for everyday. This morning I decided I should really take it a step further and start to keep a ‘love’ list as well. So, going forward, in addition to the gratitude list I’m going to start making a list of things that I love. I think this will be really great for me! Woohoo!

Gratitude List:
A good night’s rest, finally.
My own space again.
Doing exactly what I was meant to do.

Love List:
B
My mother
Growing as a person.

I just finished writing my sketch for class! I love it! It feels so good to finally feel like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. There’s still a lot that needs to fall into place, but it will. Soon, I hope!

Gratitude List:
Funny sketch comedy writing
People who can guide me – L and K
New digs!

First night at the new house! I’m staying in the attic bedroom – it’s great. I also found something left behind from the previous tenants – it almost feels like it was left for me. It has some fortunes from fortune cookies inside. I plan on utilizing them all going forward. Here is what they say:

“Great things happen when men and mountains meet”

“To see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it”

“Don’t worry; prosperity will knock on your door soon”

“Today is a lucky day for those who remain cheerful and optimistic”

“You’re transforming yourself into someone who is certain to succeed”

I hope they prove to be right! Now I’m hungry…. I want Chinese food!

Gratitude List:
My own bedroom and space to spread my trinkets everywhere!
Trinketland
Sketch comedy class
Liberation

I met up with some friends from class for a sketch comedy show last night. It was really funny! I had a great time watching and would love to be a part of that at some point in the future. Hopefully I can make that happen. I also really enjoyed getting to know the people from class. I’ve got a project – Trinketland, that I’d like to create. Hopefully I can pull a couple of them into it to help. It looks like it could take a lot of work and since I’m more of an idea person – less of an actual work person, I’ll need someone to do the manual labor. Of course I’ll share all of the spoils.

Gratitude List:
Great ideas and a new direction.
Making new friends.
Laughter.

We finally made it home from Trinketland. We stopped at M and M’s, split up our trinkets and then I brought B home. It was definitely a good idea that we spend tonight apart, although I still find myself wishing I was falling asleep with him wrapped up in my arms and waking up next to him. Hopefully I will get to see him tomorrow, or at least soon. I’m not letting my favorite trinket of all get away. That’s for sure.

We are leaving Trinketland today. I’m sad, but I have so much more direction after this trip and this experience. I’ve also got a pretty good idea about how I’m going to achieve the things I need to achieve – aka finding the money so I can once and for all say I will never work again. It’s really the only goal I aspire to. Well, that and hopefully being with B, but only time will tell about that. I’ve been writing a lot of letters lately to other people. Spewing emotion, really. I feel I overstepped some bounds. Perhaps even came across as crazy more than once. I’m ok with that. And now one final letter as I lay here, in Trinketland, with B beside me.

Dear Andrew,

Yourself

I guess I have one more letter to write:

Dear B,

Mopey Zoo Lion

Gratitude List:
The drive and ambition to change the world.
The love I need to make that happen.
B! B! B! B! B! B! B!

Prince!

I’m alright, just overwhelmed. I’m in Istanbul and this guy, B, from Newark met me here. I really like him and I like this situation, but it’s overwhelming me. I’ve never had this before and it’s uncharted territory. It’s tough. I feel totally out of control because this situation is totally out of my control. I have to try, to love, sometime. I’d just hate to hurt someone I really like. I’ve had such a bad experience with life. I’m not sure I’ll be able to stay happy and not suck him into whatever hell I find next. And that wouldn’t be fair to him. But, I like this situation for what it is now. I’m trying to keep that in mind. Anyway, here are some pictures from Istanbul.

Love,

Andrew

Greetings from Istanbul!

Do you believe that two wounded individuals can rehabilitate each other? B and I are both wounded. Broken, really. I have no idea if we can make this love work, but I want to try. I need to try. And I know, deep down in my heart, that we will both be better off for trying. Even if in the end we aren’t together, we will leave one another a stronger, happier person. Please Dan, help me if you can. Or, point me to someone who might be able to. If, after taking a look at the blog, you’d be willing to give me an hour of your time I’d be very grateful. I live just outside New York, but will meet you anywhere that is convenient. I have cousins in Seattle I’ve been meaning to visit for a while. Maybe this could be the reason to do that.

Gratitude list:
Intimacy with B – emotional and sexual
Gaining trust, giving trust
The resources to make my dreams a reality.