I got a call from my dad today. My dad doesn’t call me very often so when he does I always try to answer or call him back right away. I have a good relationship with him, but my go-to parent is my mom. It’s just how it is.

So my dad called me because my older brother apparently, as my dad put it, ‘went off’ his medication. Now the problem with stating he ‘went off’ his medication is that it implies there is a need for him to be on it in the first place. I’m not so sure there is.

I get where my parents are coming from. I really do. They have had to watch 3 children fall down – sometimes over and over again, when it comes to this “bipolar” issue we have. We’ve had to be put in hospitals, we’ve spent tons of money we don’t have, acted recklessly and fought with them incessantly while doing these things. From their perspective, it’s much easier not to rock the boat. The manic episodes were as much a nightmare for them as they were for us. Nobody wants to live through another one. And it’s possible someone wouldn’t live through another one. Or would have such life changing consequences as a result that things would never be able to return to normal.

So my dad calls and we talk. He tells me that my older brother ‘went off’ his medication, but didn’t give me much insight into how my older brother is doing. With my dad it’s an alarmist thing. He sees the future filled with hospitals, more fights and more problems. My mom sees the same thing. And really, why shouldn’t they? He went off his medication a couple years ago around Christmas time and things got really ugly for them. My mom apparently had to take a week off work to babysit him before my brother went into the hospital. I was in the cities then, but it wasn’t a fun time around my house. So all in all, for my parents sanity, it’s definitely best to keep us medicated.

The problem with staying medicated, especially if you don’t absolutely have to, is that it keeps you sick. Swallowing those pills every day as a constant reminder that there is something wrong with you. Feeling like you are nothing more than a construct of the medication you are taking. That’s really no way to live. In my opinion, psychiatry is basically voodoo, but much more expensive. Although I’ve never tried voodoo. I’m just guessing it’s cheaper.

I ended up texting my brother tonight. We don’t text or talk that often. I see him for Christmas, but we’re not close. Though he is still my brother and I care about him very much. Apparently he’s been off his medication for about 3 months. That’s quite a long time. And I’m guessing, in my not-a-psychiatrist opinion, that if he quit cold turkey and was going to experience a jolt from going off his medication it would have already happened. I just saw my brother a couple weeks ago for Christmas and he seems alright. Maybe even a little better than normal. I do remember seeing him smile, so that was good. And to be honest, I was kind of surprised that he even answered my text.

I’m going back to Minnesota on Saturday and am hoping to stop by my brother’s house and talk to him for a little while. It’s not something I’ve ever done in my entire life, but I really want to have this conversation. I’d love to learn what his experience has been going off the medication, but also with the bipolar thing in general. After my second manic episode I crashed and was so depressed. I thought about killing myself non-stop for 8 months and could barely leave my parents’ house. My older brother had done the same thing a few years earlier. Basically holed up in the basement for an entire winter. Well, more than the entire winter.

I’m also completely convinced the reason I experienced any manic episodes was because I was smoking marijuana. Lots and lots of marijuana, to be exact. From my perspective it seems like the same is true with my brothers. Once you take away the marijuana, the manic episodes seem to stop. I’m not sure my brother has that figured out. I also know my parents are worried about it. I’ll definitely need to drop that into the conversation.

So my brother is now medication free, but he doesn’t seem to really be that happy. He decided to go off his, from what I understand, because he felt depressed on it. I did it the other way around – worked super hard to get myself to a happy, comfortable place and then went off my medication, but if he can make it work good for him. I’ll have to see if I can help my brother in any way get out of the rut he’s in. Lord knows it took me forever to deal with my problems and get myself to a place where I was happy. Hopefully he can chip away at it and get there himself.

One brother down, one to go. What an unexpected, but totally lovely surprise.

Gratitude List:
The ability, ambition and drive to improve.
Cute guys who seem to be swirling all around me. I will be catching one….even if only to release some time later.
Meetings. I’m really grateful to have meetings to go to out here.