I talked to Chelsea from my doctor’s office today. She’s going to get the forms faxed over to the disability insurance people tomorrow. I’m really hoping to get that all worked out soon. Hopefully in my favor.

I stumbled upon a new singer/songwriter yesterday and downloaded a few of her albums today. Her name is Lana Del Rey and her music is fantastic. It’s got a depth and emotional honesty to it that really speaks to me. I haven’t run across an artist quite like her in a long time. It reminds me of when I first discovered Alanis. It just really speaks to me. Someday I want to be able to express myself really well. I think as long as I work at it I’ll get there. I guess that’s what I’m doing with this writing experiment.

I got together with my cousin and his girlfriend for dinner tonight. They are both really cool people. Fun to be around with a great sense of humor. It was wonderful to eat dinner and just catch up. Talk about future travel plans and life in general. I’m really glad I can do that sort of thing with them.

Gratitude List:
Possibility of money coming in again.
Miso Bearnaise sauce.
Power naps on the couch.

I left inpatient treatment for the second time in May of 2009. The hopelessness I felt at that point was beyond unbearable. I’ve never been one to journal, but for about a month after leaving treatment I did. I couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself. I went gun shopping. I’m really grateful I’m not living in that anymore. I only read 2 different days of what I wrote, but there was one quote from the second day that sums up basically how I felt. It went:

I can’t stand to be me for even a moment longer. A lifetime would be unbearable.

It’s remarkable how much I hated myself. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. It’s truly a gift that I don’t think about killing myself anymore. A gift I’m grateful to have received.

Gratitude List:
Moving forward in life.
Bacon.
Arts and Crafts projects.

Everything is changing very quickly, yet I feel like I’m standing still. I have a lot of preparation to do in the coming weeks. There are so many things I want to make. There’s just not enough time in the day. Admittedly, I’m having some problems just sitting down and working on the things I need to get done. It’s actually kind of nice I’m utterly broke right now. It’s been a deterrent to going out and doing things. If I spend more time at home, theoretically I’d be able to get more accomplished and be better prepared for the coming months. Theoretically. I also got a nice little surprise earlier tonight. I logged into my bank website to see when the credit card payment I’m probably not going to be able to make is due and noticed that my former employer had direct deposited $37 in my account. I’m now ten times wealthier than I was just a couple days ago. Yay! In all seriousness though, it’s great that I’ll be able to go to the bank and get a little bit of cash. I’ve only had a couple bucks lately and I can stretch the $40 I now have in my checking account pretty far if I’m just careful about my spending. I’ll be running in there on Monday. Oh, maybe I’ll run into the cute, young (married) guy when I do.

Gratitude List:
Fun times laughing with Dave.
The British Arrow Awards at the Walker Museum.
Sleeping in on a cold, snowy morning.

“If I didn’t want to be disappointed by men, I’d stop meeting them. Someday I’ll learn.”

I really expressed this sentiment to someone tonight. I had a frustrating experience with him and pretty quickly adopted an old pattern of thinking – basically that I won’t ever find anyone, I’m better off alone and should cut out any hope of having a romantic relationship so as to avoid any more pain.

I sent an email to a woman today I met a couple weeks ago. It expresses what I’ve been feeling and what’s become clear the last few days pretty well. Here it is:

Hi ________,

P.S. I read a blurb about you on the bulletin board at Hazelden. The final sentence said something about helping people who want to help themselves. It’s taken me a long time to get here, but I’m grateful I can finally ask for help when I need it. I started working with a sponsor recently as well. For the past few years I haven’t and it’s a lot harder doing it alone.

Sometimes I feel like the only thing I’m really good at doing at this point is sending really long emails to people who really don’t even know me that well. Some of them do I guess. There should be a word for what I’m doing – like email terrorist over sharer. Ok, not that. I’ll have to think about it and come up with something clever.

Gratitude List:
Snow falling outside my window while I have nowhere to go.
People who are kind enough to give me their time and help while asking nothing in return.
A future full of endless possibilities.

I’ve started going through a bunch of stuff in my apartment. Considering I’ve lived here for nearly 4 years, there is plenty to go through. The last thing I want to do is move crap I don’t need and haven’t looked at in years to a storage unit or somewhere else. I am a piler. I confess, I get mail and make a pile. Some of it I open, some of it I don’t, but it generally always ends up in a pile somewhere where it just hangs out for a really long time. The unfortunate thing is, despite not looking at any of this stuff or not needing it for anything, I feel compelled to go through everything as I’m throwing it away to make sure I don’t throw anything away I might need. This ends up taking a considerable amount of more time than it would otherwise. I’ve spent hours just going through the piles of worthless papers that are mostly all going in the trash or being shredded. I swear when I have a new place I’m going to do a much better job of throwing stuff away as I get it – especially if I know it’s just going to go into a pile and I won’t look at it until I go through the pile.

I’m super tired. I don’t want to be up any longer at this point. My knees hurt from physical therapy today and I feel emotionally exhausted. I’m not super freaked out about the money situation at this point, but it is definitely stressing me out and taking it’s toll. Stress, especially the financial kind, seems to be much more insidious in the way it works under your skin. I’m not thinking about money constantly, and I do earnestly believe it’s all going to work out, but it’s still a tough situation to be in.

A lot happened today. I’m still processing much of it. My future revenue streams became much more unclear. I have $4 in my checking account right now, and no more checks are on the way. The disability insurance people have decided they know best and I’m ready to go back to work. This really complicates things for me. If I’m able to collect benefits until January 2nd things work out much cleaner – basically everything is wrapped up in a bow. If I’m no longer getting benefits I’m going to have to apply for unemployment. In order to do that I’ll need to tell my job I’m now capable to work and that my last day of employment needs to be updated so that I can apply for the benefits. If my last day of work is updated to some date in December instead of through the beginning of January, I’m going to have to start paying $400/month for my health insurance in January instead of not having to start paying that until February. I’m not excited about this. I’m going to get a hold of my awesome doctor’s athletic trainer tomorrow and ask her to help me out. Hopefully we can get this sorted. I’m moving out of my apartment at the end of this month so I won’t have to pay another month’s rent which is really helpful in this whole situation. I’ll still have a car payment to make this month and a credit card payment to make soon. I’m guessing worst case scenario is they’ll both be late. If I start getting disability checks again I can afford to keep my car, but if not I’m going to sell it as quickly as possible. I did some looking around online and I’m pretty sure I can sell it for a few thousand more than I owe. As much as I don’t want to sell it yet, it would be great to not be as stressed out about money.

There are positive aspects to this whole situation. Mainly, my response to all of these problems. I’m concerned and a little on edge about it all, but I know it’ll all work out somehow and I’m not losing my mind over it. In the past stress like this would have really done a number on me and I’d probably be sleeping a ton and depressed. I’m much more focused on the solution now and convinced that things really will work out. If I have a credit card payment that’s a little late life will go on. This has also motivated me into action. I spent a few hours going through stuff in my apartment tonight – mostly papers and junk I don’t need, but don’t want to throw away without looking at. I’ve got a few weeks to get out of this place and I’d like to thoroughly go through everything. Things I don’t need or want will get thrown away or donated. I don’t plan on moving anything into storage I don’t think I’ll need in the future. It’ll be a nice cleansing of sorts. I also plan on starting to move things to my parents’ house or back home as soon as possible. This will be much less stressful if I get rid of everything slowly and don’t end up needing to do a ton of moving related things at the very last minute.

The actual doctor’s appointment went pretty well, too. My doctor said she’d be willing to remove the screws, but not until she’s certain my knee has healed. She said the earliest she’d usually do it would be 6 months after surgery, ideally waiting until 9 months after. Since this doesn’t work well with my current plan of going abroad mid-February, I asked her if she would do it any earlier. She said as long as she can tell it’s definitely healed she could do it sooner. I’m hoping when I go back mid-January to find it’s all healed and she can go ahead and remove the screws. She also said when I was in a month ago she wasn’t certain it was going to heal, but after the x-rays today she’s pretty sure it’s going to heal up alright in time.

I had a bit of an episode earlier tonight. I just felt really upset and ill at ease, but there was no precipitating event that I could pin it on. It was weird and not something that happens very often anymore. I generally feel good and my mood doesn’t nosedive like that ever anymore. I was tempted to blame it on the fact I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow and I’m concerned about how that’s going to go. It’s also possible I just needed a nice intake of carbs. I went to the grocery store and bought a pint of mint ice cream. It really did solve all my problems. I felt much better after eating the ice cream.

As far as seeing my doctor goes, I’ve decided I want the screws she put in my knees taken out. I mean theoretically it would make sense that once the knees are healed up to a certain point the screws she used to get that healing could then come out because the bone would have healed to the bone rendering the screws no longer useful or needed. I’m not sure if that’s really how it works, but I plan on asking her if she can just take them out. It’s frustrating, very frustrating, to be at this point with my knees. I can’t do much of anything with them right now and although there was no guarantee the results would be remarkable, I was definitely given the impression things wouldn’t get worse. And really, things have gotten worse at this point. I guess we’ll see what she has to say tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I feel like there’s been an immense amount of change within me over the past couple of months. It’s been especially recognizable more so over the past month. There are some major, well deserved and much needed, changes coming to my life. I’m not sure what the next few months will bring, but I’m anxiously waiting to see how it all plays out. Spiritually I’ve really started to blossom. I’ve also gotten the self-confidence and motivation I’d been sorely lacking for so long. My interactions with people and how I present myself is different. I feel so much more self-assured and it shows when I talk to people. I’m really coming out of my shell and it’s wonderful.

So I’ve realized there is a lag between the changes I see and feel within my life, and the changes people see and feel within me. It’s like I change and then on a slower note they recognize that change. I’ve had conversations within the past week with both of my parents separately where we basically adopted old patterns that serve a useful purpose for them, but aren’t things I can handle anymore. When I was talking to my dad about Thailand and mentioned I might fly over there without a job, he basically said “You need to get a job lined up before going” in a very end-of-discussion-this-is-the-way-it-is-going-to-be kind of way. It felt like I was 16 again being chastised for doing something wrong. Now I love my dad a lot and I value his input and being able to bounce ideas off him and get his take on things, but in reflecting on the experience later on I realized if it happened again I’d have to level with him and tell him things are going to work out the way I determine they are going to work out. He and my mom will just have to trust that I’ll do a lot of research and figure out the best route for me to make the trip and teaching in Thailand happen. I’m also not asking them for money or to pay for this so I feel emboldened to lay it out in a ‘you need to accept this and move on or it’s going to put a major strain on our relationship’ way. Now my mom is a slightly different case. Today when I talked to her she started in on how I am going to need to start looking for jobs. Now I get it, my mom is a worrier, but what I don’t understand is how it hasn’t dawned on her that I’m not going to look for jobs. I have no intention of finding another job in the US. If one were to drop into my lap I’d certainly consider taking it, but I don’t plan on being around here too much longer or trying to make another cubicle situation work out.

On a side note, I put in my notice to vacate my apartment last week and then a couple days later was talking to a friend who was interested in moving into my apartment and taking over my lease. I could then also leave a lot of my furniture and he would just use that. Well, he hit a bit of a rough spot and I’m not comfortable allowing that situation to play out like that anymore. So I put in my notice last week and then a couple days later when into the office and said “Just kidding.” I went back in today and told them I need to be out of my apartment at the end of this month and could I please be considered as having put my notice in on time. The woman at the front desk was really nice and happened to be the same one I spoke to last week. She let me fill out a form to vacate and put an earlier date on it so I could still move out. It was really nice of her. I definitely feel like this is the right decision. I need to be out of this apartment and I don’t want to live with the uncertainty of not knowing if things will work out with my friend. In a sense I feel like I’ve betrayed him because when we spoke on Friday I told him we could still go through with things, but he’s got a lot to figure out and I simply can’t just leave all my stuff in this apartment for him.

Today was a great day. I talked to my friend out East who I have visited a couple times already this year. We made plans for me to visit again. The plan at this point is to drive back with them from MN after Christmas and then fly back to MN on January 12th. It’ll be great to spend a bunch more time with them. I’m really glad that’s going to work out.

There is so much uncertainty in my immediate future, but I’m alright with that. Everything will fall into place soon enough. I’m grateful that I’m at a place in my life where I can just roll with it and have faith that things are going to work out just fine. It’ll be interesting to see how everything unfolds. I’m ready for the next adventure, whatever that might be.

Gratitude List:
My new found appreciation for cute guys and dirty texting
Great friends I can share anything with
Enough money in my bank account to pay my rent

So I used a friend’s facebook account to check this guy out I’ve been chatting with. Most of his account was locked down, but there was some information I could access. I immediately fell into old patterns. I could see guys he’d recently become friends with and I couldn’t help but start comparing myself to them. How much better looking they are than me, how much more fun it looks like they have than I do, how much more this guy I like must like them over me, etc. It’s remarkable how quickly it all happened. Before I even knew what was going on I’d devolved into this old, unhealthy way of thinking. I’m really glad I checked all of that out from her account before reactivating mine and sending him a friend request. I couldn’t handle much of more of that. I also couldn’t handle doing the same things with guys past who had much more of an impact on me than this one did. That would have been way more painful. Crisis averted.

I just ate a Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark chocolate bar. It was wonderful. I don’t feel guilty at all. Ok, I do feel a little guilty, but I’m going to let it go, which is not something I’d have been able to do even just a year ago. I’m grateful for the progress I’ve made on that front every single day.

I saw Kathy Griffin tonight. It was awesome. They were taping it for a Bravo special. Perhaps if you watch closely you’ll see me in the audience. Although, it’s also possible I’ll be on TV in the not so distant future. I went to a casting call for a reality tv show today and it went really well. Like really, really well. I don’t have a place on the show yet, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be advancing to the next round. Yay!