I don’t feel like I’ve been doing a good job of giving my full attention to my posts lately. I have had a lot going on with the holidays, moving out of my apartment and driving across the country, but I hope to start giving them some more thought going forward. I guess tonight would be a good day to check in on how a few things are going.

I mentioned how out of control the eating had gotten. Christmas was more of a sugar fueled cookie eating fest than anything else. And before that I was eating between a pint and a quart and a half of ice cream a day. A quart and a half! A few days ago I’d had enough and decided to cut out sugar for the time being. I’m not really sure how long I’ll be going without sugar, but so far it’s going really well. I’ve been sugar free for at least 3 days now. It really hasn’t been that bad. I haven’t had much for sugar cravings. Tonight we went to the grocery store after my friends picked me up from the train station and did feel like buying some candy or ice cream, but thankfully I didn’t. I feel much better about myself and my weight now that I’ve cut the sugar out. Much, much better. I still feel gross and out of shape and like I should just hide from the cruel gay community altogether, but it’s gotten a lot better since I haven’t been gorging on sugary things every day.

Honestly, I don’t get what I don’t get about this. I am clearly a sugar addict. Why am I so unwilling to just say “You know what, just like with alcohol, I can’t control my consumption of this substance and would be better off abstaining entirely.” Wow, it feels great to write that down. I really don’t have any control over it. I start off telling myself it’ll be ok to stop at the grocery store and buy one of those tiny little things of ice cream, but as soon as I start eating sugar again it’s not long before I’m eating so much of it I have to cut myself off completely. It’s hard to admit you have a problem with something you so dearly don’t want to quit consuming. On the one hand, I feel that since I’m a recovering alcoholic I should realize when I don’t have control over something or a situation, but on the other hand I really like sugar and don’t want to quit consuming it, either. I just keep thinking about Step One, which is “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.” That totally applies to me and sugar, too. I am so powerless. And it’s really the same kind of powerlessness which stems from a complete lack of control. Once I’ve started I can’t stop. I guess I’ve got some more to think about now. I should really just quit sugar entirely and for good. This back and forth with it is pretty exhausting. It’s not nearly as destructive as the drugs or alcohol in the larger picture of things which is maybe why I allow myself to keep going back to it, but I’d be happier and feel better if I gave it up entirely.

I don’t remember what else I was going to check in on. Oh, now I remember. The dating or lack of any significant romantic relationship in my life. I don’t want to stay single forever, but I also feel myself closing myself off to the idea of a relationship. Crawling back into my hole. I’m pretty sure a lot of this right now stems from how icky I feel about how I look. So many poor food choices and I’ve clearly gained weight. Not only have I gained weight, but I don’t feel strong or powerful or athletic in any way anymore. I just feel out of shape and flabby. I hate it. I can’t imagine having sex with anyone right now. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to have sex with me right now. Or if they did, what a disappointment things would be for them once I took off my clothes. I hate feeling this way, but it would be better to save them from the disappointment and me from the embarrassment/shame/rejection that would inevitably follow any sexual encounter. I hope someday it won’t be like this.