This has been on my mind all day:

Every summer growing up my parents used to pack my brothers and me up and drive us to Northern Minnesota. My mom’s side of the family has this rustic cabin on a river that leads into a huge national park and a chain of large lakes. It’s my favorite place on earth. Since it’s a national park there are no houses or cabins on the lake. The lake has a ton of islands to explore, pine trees everywhere and a lot of rock outcroppings. It’s stunningly beautiful. We went up basically every summer until I was about 21 years old. The summer I was 21 and we went up there was one of the worst times of my life. We didn’t go back for 7-8 years after that. A few years ago I rallied and we planned a trip for the entire family to go back. It was awesome. I feel such a connection to nature and just being able to explore and relax for a few days, especially in a place with so much family history.

I was sober the first summer we went back. I had been sober for over a year and things were starting to change. I was also using Facebook and this stupid app called grindr on my phone. I liked taking pictures of myself to upload to Facebook or use as a new grindr profile. We went and stopped on this part of the lake we often went to swim. I decided to go wander through the woods for a little while and see what I could find. After not long I came upon this really beautiful stream that emptied into the lake. I decided to take a couple pictures of myself and see if I could get a good one. I knelt down to take a picture with the stream in the background and the sun reflecting off the lake onto my face. After taking a couple pictures I looked through them. I came upon one that absolutely shocked me; I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was a great picture. I looked really good in it, but that’s not what I really loved about it. There was a light in my eyes that had been vacant for so long. My smile spoke to a contentment, a happiness I hadn’t felt in so many years. It was such a genuine, authentic smile that showed this emotion I knew I once had, but had lost over 10-15 years ago. I wasn’t faking it. I wasn’t hiding behind humor. I was feeling and expressing a true emotion that wasn’t contrived like all the smiles had been for so long. I couldn’t believe the man in the picture was actually me. It felt great.

I remember getting scared that something would happen to that picture before I had cell service again and could email it to myself or before I could upload it onto my computer. I kept looking at it in disbelief and not wanting to let go. Needing that picture to be a beacon of hope that I’d be able to dig myself out of the hole I’d dug, at least eventually. I ended up using the picture as my Facebook profile pic. I also used it for grindr and it got me a ton of dates. Like, a ton of dates.

In time I realized that losing the actual picture, the documentation that I could be happy, wasn’t as big of a deal. I was changing and becoming a new person. The picture was just the first time I’d noticed the change in myself. The first real evidence of what was going on. I recently had a similar experience. I made a video for the reality tv show I’m trying to get cast in. I sat myself in front of a camera on my couch and taped myself for a few minutes to give the producers a better idea of the person I am. I spoke honestly and openly from my heart. After taping it, I watched the video and could hardly believe my eyes. I’ve felt a lot of changes inside me over the last couple months, but again this was concrete evidence of those changes. Before I could only see the change, but now I could hear and see it. This really heralds in a new era for me. A time of tremendous personal growth. I’ve finally found my voice and have a depth to myself I didn’t have for so long – or didn’t have access to. I’m going to reach for the stars and I’ll be damned if I don’t touch them during this lifetime.