Things just felt like too much today. Everything, especially in regards to the future, is so unclear. I’m ok with that. I don’t mind just seeing how the chips fall and taking things from there. I’m embracing that uncertainty. I can deal with that uncertainty. Norway, Thailand, New Jersey, wherever I’m headed, it’ll be great and I’m sure I’ll love it. What I’m having a much harder time dealing with right now are the more immediate, and pressing, aspects of my life. Chief among them is this money issue. I found out about 2 weeks ago that I wasn’t going to be getting any more disability money. I decided to send some updated documents to see if I could get it extended. I’ve now been working for 2 weeks to get these documents submitted and to get the disability insurance people to process everything. I should find out tomorrow what they’ve decided. It’s such a struggle not being able to pay bills and feeling like I absolutely can’t go out and do anything because I simply can’t afford to. I still get out, but anything that involves spending money is hard to do.

I also saw my physical therapist earlier today. That went about as I expected. I can’t do many exercises with my knee as it is now because nearly everything we try aggravates it. I’m trying to keep from aggravating it as much as possible so that it will hopefully heal faster. It’s a really frustrating situation to be in. He also brought up the idea that it’s possible the results just aren’t going to be what I’d hoped for. I’m convinced it’s the screws that are causing the pain I have now and getting them taken out should alleviate that. I have to wonder if he didn’t read something in my doctor’s notes from my last visit that didn’t make him think otherwise. I’m pretty sure my doctor wouldn’t come out and tell me if there was a big problem with my knee or major red flags until she was more certain. At this point I just have to wait it out until I see her again in mid January. That means I have over a month of sitting around and not doing anything and who knows how long after that. I remember when I first started having knee problems a few years ago. I went to a physical therapist for a while and they told me I’d have to wait until I’d been pain free for about 2 weeks before I could start exercising again. She must have seen the look of horror on my face at that point and immediately tried to console me. 2 weeks seemed like an eternity to not exercise. And now here I am. I’ve spent 4 months on crutches this year. I currently can’t exercise at all doing anything that involves my knee and it’s unclear if I will ever really be able to again. This situation sucks and only seems to be getting worse. I hope everything turns out well and I really think it will. I just have to give it time.

Gratitude List:
I’m grateful to have a sponsor.
I’m grateful for a new meeting that I like.
I’m grateful to be getting out of MN for a while in not too long.