I bought a groupon for this mosaic class a while ago. I finally used it tonight. It was really fun! I could see myself really getting into making things like that with tile. There are a million different designs you could come up with and so many different possibilities. I’m really glad I decided to do that and finally used my groupon.

I also started taping the video I plan on submitting for the Norway reality tv show. I know that a lot of what they’re looking for is personality and energy. The portions I taped today were alright, but I need to get more into it and bring more energy to the camera. I know I can do it, I just have to get out of my comfort zone. I’m planning on taping the segment in front of my old work again on Sunday. There were so many cars driving by it was difficult to hear what I was saying. On Sunday there should be much less traffic and fewer people around so it’ll be easier to get into. The segments that we did get taped weren’t bad or anything, I just know that I can do better. I’d love to go to Norway and it would be such a great adventure. I need to submit something that accurately reflects my personality and makes them want to know more about me.

I really want to have plastic surgery. Like really, really want to have it. I was heavier growing up – at times significantly heavier. When I did lose weight I also lost it in the least healthy way possible with my eating disorder. As a result, I could desperately use a tummy tuck. I’ve tried everything to get myself to an acceptable place, but it’s simply not possible to do with diet and exercise. At times in the past I’ve done upwards of 2 hours of hard cardio a day and it simply doesn’t work. At one point I conned my work out buddy into being a part of ‘Project Unicorn.’ It was basically my goal of hitting 250 lbs by working out, which in itself is pretty ludicrous. I’m not even sure gaining that much muscle would even solve my problems. I know the more I fill out the better I’ll like how I look, at least in terms of all this extra skin. Unfortunately, I couldn’t even give ‘Project Unicorn’ a great go because of my knees. Maybe someday I’ll be able to try again and actually get somewhere with it.

I’ve been to several plastic surgeons around Mpls trying to figure out how to make this happen. The first one quoted me nearly $10k which is way more than I could afford. I went to another one about 6 months later and he said he could do it for just under $8k, which is still more than I can afford, but a little more realistic. The third surgeon came back at just over $7k, but I decided I liked the second guy best and planned on going through with it with him as soon as I could financially afford to put that amount of money onto a credit card and still be able to make the payments – because that makes sense. As it turns out, that’s not going to be anytime soon because I’m not working now. I’m now debating doing it in Thailand. I plan on starting out in Bangkok and it’s possible it’ll be the first thing I do when I get there. I assume I could do it for a fraction of the cost of doing it here. I don’t think it’s a great idea, but I’m desperate and simply can’t afford to do it here. It definitely doesn’t help at all that I’m also not working out right now. I have stayed about the same weight as I was before surgery, but my body composition has definitely changed. I don’t like it at all. I guess we’ll see what I decide to do with that. On the one hand I really don’t want to fly to Thailand, have a pretty big surgery and be laid up for a while and have to do a lot of recovery. I’d much rather do it here and get everything in order before going over there, but that really doesn’t look like it’s in the cards. It’s something I definitely plan on doing. It’s just a matter of when. I hate that I spend all of this time in the gym working out and eating (for the most part) in a really healthy manner. I hate that I can’t get my body to reflect that. It drives me absolutely crazy. At least I’m not going to the gym right now. If I was going I’d be crazy about getting this done sooner rather than later. Not having the pressure the gym puts on me is great, but this is still something I think about every day. I think about how much more I’ll like my body and how I look afterwards. How much more confident I’ll be in my every day life. It’s not quite an obsession, but it’s bordering on that. My mind usually always needs something to obsess about. Be it how much I’m eating, sleeping, drinking or using drugs, what my mood is doing or how much I’m exercising. Something is generally needed. It’s not as bad as it was before, but it’s still something that happens.

I know I’m good looking, desirable even, but whenever I look in the mirror I see more about how I look that I hate than anything I like. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to have sex with me. Ever. I realize this is kind of nuts because there are plenty of guys who would like to have sex with me, I just can’t imagine why. Because of this I find it really hard to jump in bed with anyone. I’m horny, nearly all the time. Sex is on my mind, a lot. I wish I had more of it and had an easier time with it. As things stand now, I usually wait until I feel crazy and then still can’t seem to make anything happen. I think if I had a friends with benefits situation that would be great. Hmm, maybe I can get that to happen sometime soon. Perhaps NJ boy I’ve been chatting with would be amenable to that. He’s a cutie and I get the impression he’s horny a lot like me, just very shy and reserved with it all.