I left inpatient treatment for the second time in May of 2009. The hopelessness I felt at that point was beyond unbearable. I’ve never been one to journal, but for about a month after leaving treatment I did. I couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself. I went gun shopping. I’m really grateful I’m not living in that anymore. I only read 2 different days of what I wrote, but there was one quote from the second day that sums up basically how I felt. It went:

I can’t stand to be me for even a moment longer. A lifetime would be unbearable.

It’s remarkable how much I hated myself. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. It’s truly a gift that I don’t think about killing myself anymore. A gift I’m grateful to have received.

Gratitude List:
Moving forward in life.
Bacon.
Arts and Crafts projects.