“If I didn’t want to be disappointed by men, I’d stop meeting them. Someday I’ll learn.”
I really expressed this sentiment to someone tonight. I had a frustrating experience with him and pretty quickly adopted an old pattern of thinking – basically that I won’t ever find anyone, I’m better off alone and should cut out any hope of having a romantic relationship so as to avoid any more pain.
I sent an email to a woman today I met a couple weeks ago. It expresses what I’ve been feeling and what’s become clear the last few days pretty well. Here it is:
Hi ________,
I really enjoyed listening to your talk on Tuesday. You’re doing some really cool stuff. I like it. I like it a lot.
So my knee felt much better after the Reiki healing at Hazelden, but that only lasted for about 6 or 7 hours. I did see my doctor just this week and she said it’s finally healing and will heal. She said when I saw her a month ago she wouldn’t have told me it was going to heal because she wasn’t sure. I feel like the Reiki helped with that. I’d really like to have it healed by the time I see her in mid-January, which would probably be a miracle, but I want her to remove the screws from my knee and she won’t do that until they are both fully healed. I need to move on with my life and can’t wait around too much longer to get these knees in order. The problem is, I’m not working right now and don’t have any money coming in. I expect to again, hopefully in not too long, but right now all that is unclear. In the past I’ve struggled tremendously in asking for help. It basically boils down to me not feeling like I’m worthy of other people’s time or energy – especially when I can’t give something in return. I plan on paying you, eventually, but I’m not sure when that will be. It really shouldn’t be too long, though. I plan on selling my car before I leave for good which will yield me at least some money.
I’d also like to learn more about forgiveness. When I first starting thinking about it I figured the person I really needed to forgive was myself, but after further reflection I feel I really need to forgive the gay community as a whole. I came out at 20 years old and mentally wasn’t in great shape after spending so much time closeted. Unfortunately, gay men can be pretty vile so it didn’t feel like I came out to this welcoming, supportive community, but rather to a group of vultures. Admittedly a lot of this was my perception which is inherently skewed, but I’m currently 30 years old and I’ve never been in a long term relationship. I can’t seem to open myself up enough to trust another man. Probably in large part due to the messages I felt I constantly got (or gave myself) when I did come out about being fat, unlovable, or simply not good enough. I don’t want to be single forever. I started carrying around a rose quartz which has seemed to help, but there’s definitely some more work I should do.
I’ll quit blathering away now. Is there some way I could come in and see you for some Reiki work while being on a deferred payment plan? How much are the sessions?
Thanks,
Andrew
P.S. I read a blurb about you on the bulletin board at Hazelden. The final sentence said something about helping people who want to help themselves. It’s taken me a long time to get here, but I’m grateful I can finally ask for help when I need it. I started working with a sponsor recently as well. For the past few years I haven’t and it’s a lot harder doing it alone.
Sometimes I feel like the only thing I’m really good at doing at this point is sending really long emails to people who really don’t even know me that well. Some of them do I guess. There should be a word for what I’m doing – like email terrorist over sharer. Ok, not that. I’ll have to think about it and come up with something clever.
Gratitude List:
Snow falling outside my window while I have nowhere to go.
People who are kind enough to give me their time and help while asking nothing in return.
A future full of endless possibilities.
kittenparachutes 