I feel like there’s been an immense amount of change within me over the past couple of months. It’s been especially recognizable more so over the past month. There are some major, well deserved and much needed, changes coming to my life. I’m not sure what the next few months will bring, but I’m anxiously waiting to see how it all plays out. Spiritually I’ve really started to blossom. I’ve also gotten the self-confidence and motivation I’d been sorely lacking for so long. My interactions with people and how I present myself is different. I feel so much more self-assured and it shows when I talk to people. I’m really coming out of my shell and it’s wonderful.

So I’ve realized there is a lag between the changes I see and feel within my life, and the changes people see and feel within me. It’s like I change and then on a slower note they recognize that change. I’ve had conversations within the past week with both of my parents separately where we basically adopted old patterns that serve a useful purpose for them, but aren’t things I can handle anymore. When I was talking to my dad about Thailand and mentioned I might fly over there without a job, he basically said “You need to get a job lined up before going” in a very end-of-discussion-this-is-the-way-it-is-going-to-be kind of way. It felt like I was 16 again being chastised for doing something wrong. Now I love my dad a lot and I value his input and being able to bounce ideas off him and get his take on things, but in reflecting on the experience later on I realized if it happened again I’d have to level with him and tell him things are going to work out the way I determine they are going to work out. He and my mom will just have to trust that I’ll do a lot of research and figure out the best route for me to make the trip and teaching in Thailand happen. I’m also not asking them for money or to pay for this so I feel emboldened to lay it out in a ‘you need to accept this and move on or it’s going to put a major strain on our relationship’ way. Now my mom is a slightly different case. Today when I talked to her she started in on how I am going to need to start looking for jobs. Now I get it, my mom is a worrier, but what I don’t understand is how it hasn’t dawned on her that I’m not going to look for jobs. I have no intention of finding another job in the US. If one were to drop into my lap I’d certainly consider taking it, but I don’t plan on being around here too much longer or trying to make another cubicle situation work out.

On a side note, I put in my notice to vacate my apartment last week and then a couple days later was talking to a friend who was interested in moving into my apartment and taking over my lease. I could then also leave a lot of my furniture and he would just use that. Well, he hit a bit of a rough spot and I’m not comfortable allowing that situation to play out like that anymore. So I put in my notice last week and then a couple days later when into the office and said “Just kidding.” I went back in today and told them I need to be out of my apartment at the end of this month and could I please be considered as having put my notice in on time. The woman at the front desk was really nice and happened to be the same one I spoke to last week. She let me fill out a form to vacate and put an earlier date on it so I could still move out. It was really nice of her. I definitely feel like this is the right decision. I need to be out of this apartment and I don’t want to live with the uncertainty of not knowing if things will work out with my friend. In a sense I feel like I’ve betrayed him because when we spoke on Friday I told him we could still go through with things, but he’s got a lot to figure out and I simply can’t just leave all my stuff in this apartment for him.