I don’t feel like I’ve been doing a good job of giving my full attention to my posts lately. I have had a lot going on with the holidays, moving out of my apartment and driving across the country, but I hope to start giving them some more thought going forward. I guess tonight would be a good day to check in on how a few things are going.

I mentioned how out of control the eating had gotten. Christmas was more of a sugar fueled cookie eating fest than anything else. And before that I was eating between a pint and a quart and a half of ice cream a day. A quart and a half! A few days ago I’d had enough and decided to cut out sugar for the time being. I’m not really sure how long I’ll be going without sugar, but so far it’s going really well. I’ve been sugar free for at least 3 days now. It really hasn’t been that bad. I haven’t had much for sugar cravings. Tonight we went to the grocery store after my friends picked me up from the train station and did feel like buying some candy or ice cream, but thankfully I didn’t. I feel much better about myself and my weight now that I’ve cut the sugar out. Much, much better. I still feel gross and out of shape and like I should just hide from the cruel gay community altogether, but it’s gotten a lot better since I haven’t been gorging on sugary things every day.

Honestly, I don’t get what I don’t get about this. I am clearly a sugar addict. Why am I so unwilling to just say “You know what, just like with alcohol, I can’t control my consumption of this substance and would be better off abstaining entirely.” Wow, it feels great to write that down. I really don’t have any control over it. I start off telling myself it’ll be ok to stop at the grocery store and buy one of those tiny little things of ice cream, but as soon as I start eating sugar again it’s not long before I’m eating so much of it I have to cut myself off completely. It’s hard to admit you have a problem with something you so dearly don’t want to quit consuming. On the one hand, I feel that since I’m a recovering alcoholic I should realize when I don’t have control over something or a situation, but on the other hand I really like sugar and don’t want to quit consuming it, either. I just keep thinking about Step One, which is “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.” That totally applies to me and sugar, too. I am so powerless. And it’s really the same kind of powerlessness which stems from a complete lack of control. Once I’ve started I can’t stop. I guess I’ve got some more to think about now. I should really just quit sugar entirely and for good. This back and forth with it is pretty exhausting. It’s not nearly as destructive as the drugs or alcohol in the larger picture of things which is maybe why I allow myself to keep going back to it, but I’d be happier and feel better if I gave it up entirely.

I don’t remember what else I was going to check in on. Oh, now I remember. The dating or lack of any significant romantic relationship in my life. I don’t want to stay single forever, but I also feel myself closing myself off to the idea of a relationship. Crawling back into my hole. I’m pretty sure a lot of this right now stems from how icky I feel about how I look. So many poor food choices and I’ve clearly gained weight. Not only have I gained weight, but I don’t feel strong or powerful or athletic in any way anymore. I just feel out of shape and flabby. I hate it. I can’t imagine having sex with anyone right now. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to have sex with me right now. Or if they did, what a disappointment things would be for them once I took off my clothes. I hate feeling this way, but it would be better to save them from the disappointment and me from the embarrassment/shame/rejection that would inevitably follow any sexual encounter. I hope someday it won’t be like this.

We finally made it to New Jersey. It took us around 26 hours for all the traveling. Unfortunately, we hit a snowstorm in Pennsylvania that really slowed us down. I’m really glad that we finally made it and I was able to sleep in a real bed last night (updating the post in the morning for yesterday, instead of last night).

I now have about 2 weeks to fill out here. A lot of it will be done with my friends since both of them have some time off work right now. I also don’t have a lot of money, so adventures into the city will have to be done with that in mind. We are planning on going out in NYC on New Year’s Eve. It’s going to be awesome. I’m also looking for the more obscure things to do that I haven’t done on the first two trips I’ve made out here this year.

Driving to New Jersey. Drove for about 6 hours. Handed over the reigns a few minutes ago… Sleeping soon.

Thank god for my mother. I’m 30 years old and clearly not capable of getting my apartment into any kind of decent enough shape to move out of. My mom drove to Minneapolis this morning and we spent basically the entire day cleaning my apartment. I had a final walk through with the caretaker this evening and handed in my keys. I officially no longer have a place to stay in Minneapolis. It’s scary, but for the most part I’m just really happy to be moving forward with things. Tomorrow I’ll be heading to New Jersey and spending the next couple weeks out there. It’s going to be awesome.

Today all the food became too much. I’ve been eating much worse for the past few weeks. I know it’s mainly due to the stress of everything, but it’s finally got to stop. I don’t weigh myself regularly anymore, but I constantly feel gross and can tell when I look in the mirror I’ve been gaining weight. The last few days at my parents’ house I’ve been shoveling in the Christmas cookies. I feel like crap because of it, too. I am tired a lot more and want to nap and have been sleeping longer hours at night. I don’t know if that’s all because I’m on sugar overload, but I know that at least some of the behavior is to blame for it. Normally in the past this would cause me to over correct. I’m determined not to do that right now. My plan at this point is to cut out all sugar for a while. I feel a lot better when I’m not eating it and after I’ve abstained for a few days no longer really crave it. In addition to cutting the sugar out of my diet, I also plan on doing more walking since it’s really the only exercise I can do with my knees right now. It’s definitely warmer out in NJ so once I get out there I’ll start making sure to walk every day. It’s so hard not being able to exercise right now. So hard. I really do hope this is only a temporary thing. I can’t imagine living with this pain in my knee for too much longer.

So I’m back in my apartment tonight. Since I’ve moved all of my furniture out I had to make a nest on the living room floor with a few blankets and my comforter. It really shouldn’t be too bad sleeping and tomorrow my mother is going to help my clean my apartment. I hired a lady to come and do it, but she can’t be here until Saturday so we’re going to see how much we can get done before then.

Christmas was great. Spent it at Grandma’s house with a bunch of relatives. Back to my apartment today for some cleaning. Hoping the next few days go by fast and I can be on my way.

Merry Christmas!

Today was very nice. I went to the Lutheran Church with my mom and watched her choir sing. We then came home, ate dinner and opened Christmas presents. It was great relaxing today and spending time with family. I feel so full right now from eating so many damn Christmas cookies. Once the holidays are over I’m definitely going to tighten up the diet. It’s not so bad right now, but I definitely can’t continue eating this way – especially since I can’t exercise.

Gratitude List:
Christmas cookies
Time with family
Yummy meals

I moved all of my stuff out of my apartment today. I stayed up until 5 am in the morning and then got up at 8 am to continue getting it all packed so everything would be ready when my parents came with the moving truck. Moving really wasn’t that bad once we got going. It helped that I got rid of a few things so there was less to move. It was also nice that my mom, dad and twin brother came to help out. I didn’t want to carry much of anything heavy up or down the stairs because of my knees and really didn’t have to. It feels great to have all of my furniture moved out. Now I just have to do some cleaning (ok, lots and lots of cleaning) and I’ll be on my way.

I’m excited to be at my parents house and get to see relatives for the next couple days. I’ve already mowed down what feels like hundreds upon hundreds of Christmas cookies. Yum!

Gratitude List:
People to help move.
Christmas Cookies.
Warm Beds.

My mother’s side of the family had a Christmas party today. I haven’t seen many of the relatives on that side of my family for many years. It was great to get to catch up and meet the new additions to the family. I hope we can start doing that on a more regular basis again.

I also spent hours and hours after the party trying to get organized to move out of my apartment tomorrow. My parents and twin brother will be here around 11 am to move my stuff out. I feel like I made a lot of progress, but I still don’t feel as prepared as I wanted to be. I basically wanted to have everything in boxes and packed so when they got here we could just grab everything, throw it in the truck and get the hell out. It’s nearly 5 am here and I’m planning on getting up at 8 am to give my friend a ride tomorrow morning. That means I’ll have a little bit of time to tomorrow to get everything ready to go before they show up. I might just have to start literally throwing things in boxes. It’s going to suck only getting a few hours of sleep tonight, but I should be able to nap on the drive to my parents house. I’m so tired and ready for bed now.

I sold some of my furniture today. It’s not that this move hasn’t felt real yet, but sitting in my living room now that it’s half empty brings me much closer to the reality of the situation. I’m so excited to move on and enter this new phase of my life. I’ve been looking at Minneapolis through a different lens the past couple weeks knowing that I’ll no longer have a home here very soon. I definitely feel a sense of loss. This place has been my home for over 4 years now and I love it here. I don’t feel any fear or anxiety towards the future at all at this point. It almost feels like waiting as a child for Christmas morning. Like I just want to go to bed so morning will arrive and I can find out what Santa brought this year. I have a feeling there are some really wonderful, terrific things in store for me. I can’t wait to find out exactly what those things are.

Gratitude List:
Selling things on Craigslist.
Being able to get everything organized for my move out.
A new chapter in life.