I stood by the lake and read the promises today. It was a very emotional experience for me. I’ve had a lot going through my mind today. I’ve also been feeling a lot more. It’s a positive experience, but I feel pretty drained at this point.

I remember what it felt like right before I left here when I was inpatient. I was so stressed out to be leaving the safe cacoon of the treatment facility I had diarrhea and vomited (not even on purpose) whenever I ate. I’m really grateful to be where I am today and to be able to come back here and have this experience.

I went to an inpatient treatment facility for the first time in 2008. I was a wreck. When I look back on that experience, despite being so crazy while I was there, it was an overwhelmingly positive experience. My 28 day stay there didn’t come close to solving all my problems, but I had something when I left I didn’t have before I got there: Hope. Hope for the future. Hope that things would somehow turn out all right. Hope that my life wouldn’t continue being so unbearable.

Through a combination of luck, some blind faith, and a lot of people rooting for me to succeed, I was able to take that little bit of hope and leverage it. Where I am today as a person, versus where I was in 2008 is remarkably different. I continue to feel that things keep changing and I keep growing into the person I was meant to be. Tomorrow I am going back there and staying for a few days. My goal is to reconnect with the place, and the world, on a deeply spiritual level. The more connected I feel, the better things will be.

I did a lot of different stuff today. All in all I’d say it was quite productive.

One of the things I did today was go to a gallery opening. It was a local artist whose art I’ve been following around as it pops up in Twin Cities museums. I love the art she creates. It really speaks to me and inspires me to create things of my own. I’m hoping to buy a bead spinner, beads, and a few other materials and work on making some badass arts and crafts projects soon. Until then, hopefully doing some more drawing. I’ve got someone in mind to give the drawing I just started tonight. I have a feeling she’ll appreciate it.

I also had a great conversation with someone I don’t know very well, but have a feeling I’m going to get to know much better. She was really cool and provided me with some great information.

I’m going to a funeral tomorrow. It’s so sad. My friend’s dad recently passed away. Actually, I should get to bed so I can get up in the morning and do that. I feel hopeful and confident in the future. I’m excited about realizing my dreams and hopefully making a difference in the world.

I realized as I was lying in bed last night that I hadn’t updated anything for the day on here. I simply didn’t feel like grabbing my phone or going out to my living room to use a computer to write one at that time. I’ve spent a lot of time researching this teaching abroad lately. So much time that I need a break from it. Thank god I’ll be going to Hazelden on Sunday for a couple days. I feel like going abroad is the right decision, but it’ll be nice to have a few days to take a step back and reexamine it from a perspective that isn’t research, but rather what I want and need to get out of the experience. And the best way to make the experience worthwhile. I’m glad I still have time to think about it. Based on what it looks like I’ll have for cash when I leave, I’m probably going to be teaching English. I’m ok with that, but there is so much that goes into what you need to teach English. The biggest thing I’m running into now is whether to get a certification to teach – or what certification I should get. There are a lot of places offering them. Some of the certifications are pretty shady, others aren’t. I’m also not 100% sure if going through the certification would be worth it. It sounds like there are jobs one can get, albeit not as well paying, without the certification. If my plan is to be gone for a year I’d maybe be better off seeing what I can do without the certification. If I’m going to want to be gone for a couple years and really want to teach, and be prepared to teach, a high quality certification would be worth investing in. I’m pretty sure everything will fall into place over the next couple months. I’m also really excited about the idea of being abroad and learning about a new culture so I definitely feel like it’s the right decision.

Vietnam. My intuition tells me it’s where I’m supposed to go. I think I’d like traveling through Thailand, but as far as teaching and a place I’ll likely be spending a lot of time, my gut says Vietnam. Ho Chi Minh City.

My life is in transition. I’m going to be making some pretty major changes soon. It appears the Thailand adventure is going to happen, although things may change as the next couple of months unfold.

I’ve been thinking more about my mental health lately. Hopping on a plane bound for Thailand with the idea I might work, I might not, but that I’ll figure it out when I get there is a big change. It’s also a risk. I feel completely sane, lucid, and like this decision is the product of a lot of rational thought on my part, but at times I can’t help but wonder. I went through two manic episodes (months long) when I was 20 and again at 21. Ever since then I’ve had a little voice inside my head that questions whether I can trust what my mind and emotions are telling me. I got really burned with how things worked out during those manic episodes and for years afterwards I was afraid of feeling happy because that could signify the start of another manic episode. For years I preferred, as a matter of comfort, to stay in the slightly to moderately depressed range. That was really the only place I felt safe from the devastation, and ultimate destruction, that another manic episode would undoubtedly bring. It was the only place I felt safe. I’ve been off all psychotropic medication since mid-February of this year. Going off of those drugs was a big deal and not something that I decided on lightly. Not only does it take away a safety net against going manic, but for someone who’s recovering from an eating disorder the prospect of having to go back on them and the resulting weight gain was nearly enough to keep me swallowing them forever. As great as I feel being off all the drugs, it’s also concerning. I don’t think I have anything to worry about at this point as far as the bipolar issue goes, but I still can’t shut that voice out of my head at times that says “Is how you feel real right now?” Not being able to trust my own mind is a pretty shitty thing. Not being able to count on it for giving me reliable information that I can use to make decisions scares me to death. I’m pretty confident that the more distance I put between myself and the medication, the better off I’ll be and the more I’ll just be able to trust that my brain isn’t going to start tricking me. Until then I’ll just have to suck it up and rely on other people to judge for me.

I don’t like to paint myself as a victim. I’d much rather be characterized as a survivor. I’ve survived a mental illness, a chemical dependency problem, an eating disorder, and living in a world that is hostile to gay people. I refuse to allow any of those things to start dictating my life ever again. I am me. I am an amazing, funny, hard working, and ambitious person. I will make something of my time here and I will certainly have a remarkable adventure doing it.

OMG! It’s happened. Guess who is no longer employed at ________? Apparently Christmas came early this year.

Andrew

Today was a good day. I met my mom earlier in the day. It was great seeing her. We got some food and then went to Costco. I’m going to miss being able to see her as often as I do after I move, but it’ll only be a temporary situation. I doubt I’ll be gone for more than a year or two.

I also went to a storytelling event tonight. They were all Brothers Grimm tales. Basically, versions of stories like Rapunzel that were recently translated. It was awesome! I really enjoyed watching the storytellers perform.

I’ve had several nights of rough sleeping. Wednesday and Thursday of this week were the worst. Friday night was not as bad and last night was annoying, but I wasn’t tearing my hair out. I’m hoping to sleep through the night just fine tonight. Last night I tossed and turned for a really long time, but didn’t get out of bed and give up at all. I really think tonight will be the night I sleep the whole night through. I really want that in order.

Tomorrow I am doing a stand up comedy open mic. I am going to perform basically the same set I did in July for an amateur contest. It’s sad, but I haven’t been on stage since then. It’s something I’d like to start doing more frequently, provided I make the time for it. I think it’ll go well. I feel like my material is pretty solid. I definitely should work to tweak it before tomorrow so that it’s closer to 5 minutes and so that certain parts of it are more funny. I’m looking forward to being on stage again and giving that a try.

The future is becoming clearer. The more I think, and listen, the more clear everything is. I have a strong suspicion within the next couple of weeks everything will be much closer to decided.

My plan at this point, which is pretty rapidly unfolding is to leave for SE Asia in mid January. There are still a lot of things that need to be sorted, but I’m pretty sure my path forward is being cleared and everything is going to work out. The biggest concern I have at this point is that the finances won’t fall into place. Ideally I’d like to just live and not work. Spend time writing and exploring – finding myself and learning about a new culture. A new way of life. Finding a new way to view the world. Finding my voice. Within the coming week I expect to hear that I have been let go from my job. My next step is going to be getting a hold of my 401k and rolling it over to my credit union. I’m hoping to be able to tap into some of that money without paying the penalties or fees. This part might get tricky and it’s possible I’m going to end up with much, much less than I’d hoped, but I’m pretty sure at least a small portion should be accessible based on the amount of medical bills I’ve had this year. Worst case scenario I’ll have to find a job teaching English. On a positive note I think I’d like working with kids, but this wouldn’t be a perfect situation. I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately and this is the path that feels right to me. I suppose things could always change, but from this point forward I’m working towards leaving here in mid January and am currently working to get everything in order to make that happen.

I also finally created an arts and crafts project I’ve been meaning to do for a while. Ever since I weaned myself off all the psychotropic medication I’ve wanted to do something with the pills I had left. I got the idea of gluing them to some type of container and then filling it with candy and giving it to my psychiatrist – you know, because psychiatrists hand out pills like they’re candy. I finally finished it. Unfortunately I realized I wasn’t going to have enough lithium to do it all so I had to use primarily cheap ibuprofen I bought at Costco. I did get to work in some of my lithium so that was good. I hope she likes it!

I am exhausted. Physically and mentally. I am really hoping for a good nights rest. The last two nights I’ve woken up after a couple hours of sleep and then not been able to get back to sleep. It drives me nuts. Especially because there is really nothing more that I want than to be sleeping. Last night I slept from 10:30 to midnight and then couldn’t sleep again until after 7 am. It was basically the same deal the night before. I think it’s because I quit taking the narcotics a couple days ago and my body is working out the kinks from that. I feel so utterly depleted right now I hope it means I’ll be able to fall asleep easily and sleep continuously through the night.

I’ve reconnected with an old friend the last couple days. Actually, he just moved back to Mpls from out East. I hadn’t seen him in several years until yesterday, but yesterday and today we’ve spent a whole bunch of time together. He’s a super great guy and we get along so well. He’s ridiculously funny and really great at just playing off people. I love being around him for just that alone. I’m glad that he’s back in town and we can start hanging out again. I’ve got so much time on my hands right now it’s nice to have someone to do things with who’s not at work during the day.

Time for bed. Fingers crossed that works out well for me.