I made it home a couple hours ago. I’d planned on driving to my apartment, masturbating, and then taking a shower. I have been running on adrenaline the last few days and after I got out of that shower the adrenaline had evaporated. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, but feel like I’m in a great place to move forward with my life.

Headed to bed now. I’ve been home for 1.5 hours and have masturbated 3 times. At least I have my priorities straight. Tomorrow I’ll get up somewhat early ( 9 ish) is what I have in mind. I’ll drive to my parents house and spend a couple days there relaxing and hanging out with them. It should be a great time.

I had an interesting experience tonight. I ran into the caretaker of my apartment building in the hall and ended up chatting her up for quite a while. It reminded me of being manic, but only in the sense that I was able to meet people, put them at ease, and quickly form a connection with them. I always thought that was just a characteristic of mania. After a little reflection I’m beginning to wonder if it isn’t a quality I can harvest from myself without actually being manic. And furthermore, are there are other behaviors that I learned in an incredibly short period of time that I could re-calibrate to work for me while not being manic. Perhaps I just opened myself up to something far too quickly because of the marijuana and the side effects were substantial. Perhaps I could relearn ‘the gifts’ that I lost as soon as I crashed. Take and grow into all of the things I enjoyed about being manic, without all of the unmanageability, destruction and pain. It’s probably worth a try. Even if it takes me years and is a tremendous amount of work it would be worth it in the end. I’ll spend some time reflecting and meditating on this for a while and see what happens. A good place to start would be brainstorming the things that were actually beneficial about being manic and then putting in place a plan to develop them in myself today.

Gratitude List:
Parents
This time off from work
A new beginning
The means with which to get the new beginning started
Guidance from above
A higher power