I told my story today at an OA meeting. It was an absolutely wonderful experience. Such a great group of people. I can’t imagine a better set of circumstances under which to tell my story for basically the first time. I feel at peace right now.

I can fall in love in a heartbeat. Provided the guy I’m currently pining over is unattainable. I’m not sure why that is. I generally fall for straight guys, but gay guys who are totally out of my league are sometimes targets. It’s like I’ve got this overwhelming desire to love; an emotional abundance that wants nothing more than to escape and latch on to another living human being. My heart aches inside when I think of these guys. Guys I don’t know much of anything about. Aside from what I can glean from how they look. Their posture, tone of their voice, clothes, eyes, smile, etc. Unfortunately it’s always people I’ll never have the balls to ask out. Or ones that I know are straight. Guys I go on dates with never fall into the ‘I like him so much it hurts category.’ It’s always men who are unavailable. I suppose it’s a lot less risky for me to feel that way about someone who’s surely never going to be able to reciprocate those feelings. I’ll get my heartbroken over and over again, but it won’t be for real. It won’t be ambiguous. I won’t have to drive myself crazy trying to figure out what he thinks about me. Sad that it’s safer, and preferred, for me to set myself up for failure over and over and over again than it is to take a risk on something that could actually work out.

Gratitude List:
Holding hands during movies
Fun people to hang out with
The opportunity to tell my story

No worries about replying… I realize most people have a lot more going on than I do. This life of leisure I live allows me to send lengthy emails devoid of any real importance. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Ok, I think I’ve exhausted nearly everything I had to tell you. Hope to hear back from you soon. 🙂

Gratitude List:
Email
Having hope for the future
Yummy food

I went on a date tonight and I actually enjoyed it. He was pretty cute and fun to be around. We met for coffee and talked for about 3 hours and then decided to grab some dinner and go to a movie. We held hands throughout most of the movie. He was really comfortable and sweet. I am planning on seeing him again, although maybe not until next week. I guess we’ll see where that goes.

I woke up this morning at 5:30 am after sleeping for about 3 hours. I rode my exercise bike and then went to a meditation center I’d never been to before. I had a strange experience while there. I was quite tired and sort of nodding off during the meditation when all of a sudden I see this figure in my mind’s eye. I instinctively knew it was a she before she turned around. When she did I got a look at her face, but it was completely devoid of any facial features – no nose, eyes, or mouth, just a blank slate. She was wearing a red and gold silk patterned dress of some sort and turned to me, extending her hand as if to say “welcome.” It all happened very quickly and was over before I knew it. I’ve never had something like that happen to me before. It was kind of cool, but a bit unsettling, too. I take it as a sign I should probably go back to that center and find out more about what’s going on there. A welcome like that would be foolish to discount.

I’m talking to more and more people about this trip/adventure I’m going to be taking in February. It seems to be coming into focus. I have some documents I need to request, so my goal this week is to get them all requested so I have everything I’ll need to work when I get to Thailand. I’m really excited for this next adventure of my life.

I’m recovering from an eating disorder and have been having a hard time with it all lately. Last night I stopped at Walgreen’s and bought 3 big candy bars. The Ghirardelli ones; I ate them all. It’s not the end of the world or anything, but I’ve been putting on some weight lately and that I don’t like one bit. I need to start biking with more regularity. My doctor has cleared me for using the elliptical machine, but I really don’t want to activate my gym membership yet. Actually, I’d like to avoid that place for as long as possible because I’m pretty sure I’m going to start in on the locker room shenanigans pretty quickly once I start going over there again. The thing is, there would be nothing better than using the elliptical machine for quickly getting my body back to a tolerable place. I just don’t want to start paying for the gym again already, and like I said I don’t want to get sucked into a locker room situation that I don’t feel I have any control of. I guess we’ll see. In terms of getting myself back into some kind of shape the elliptical is much better than biking…. blergh. Maybe on Monday I’ll reactivate it.

I bought a bead spinner today! I can’t wait to start making badass things with it. I want to buy a lamp and figure out how to modify the lamp shade with hanging beads somehow. It could be really cool so I’m trying to figure how to do that in my head. It seems to be coming together pretty well. I’ve got a decent idea of how it could be done at this point. I’m excited!

I drove to St. Cloud and met some college friends. We got lunch and then bummed around St. Cloud for a while before getting dinner. It was a lot of fun. I always have so much fun with that group just laughing and having a good time. I always feel super light hearted around them. Unfortunately, on the way home from the cities I got a speeding ticket. I was taking this road out of St. Cloud that I don’t normally take and not paying attention to the speed limit. I looked up and saw a sign that said 45 MPH, but was going 65 MPH at that time. I immediately slowed down, but a cop had already clocked me and pulled me over. I admitted it was my mistake and I just wasn’t playing close enough attention. He gave me a ticket, but was nice and just wrote a citation for 54 in a 45 MPH zone. I assume that will save me some money and not go on my insurance. I apologized to him for having to get out in the cold to give me the ticket. I wonder how often he has that happen?

Happy Thanksgiving!

What a wonderful day. I woke up around 5 am and realized I wasn’t going to be sleeping any longer. I got up, took a shower, and got in my car to make the drive to my parents house. It was a really nice drive. I seldom get to see a sunrise, much less one where I can actually watch the sun come up and appreciate it. It was really pretty to watch, and later that day got to have a conversation with my grandma about how nice it was.

Thanksgiving dinner was very enjoyable. I told my parents about my plans to go and teach abroad along with the fact I’m not going to be returning to my current job. At first my mom was really against it, but I think after being here a while she has started to come around. Our Grandma also joined us for dinner and it was great to see her and talk for a while. I haven’t gotten the opportunity to see her at all the last couple of times I’ve been home. All in all it was a really nice day. It also snowed for a while and as the storm was coming in it made it so you couldn’t see the other side of the lake. The last few days I’ve been wanting it to snow so I can just sit inside and watch the snow come down. It was perfect it happened yesterday when I didn’t have to leave or go anywhere in it.

Gratitude List:
My mother’s evil cat
Good food
Grandmas
Sunrises
Heated seats

I made it home a couple hours ago. I’d planned on driving to my apartment, masturbating, and then taking a shower. I have been running on adrenaline the last few days and after I got out of that shower the adrenaline had evaporated. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, but feel like I’m in a great place to move forward with my life.

Headed to bed now. I’ve been home for 1.5 hours and have masturbated 3 times. At least I have my priorities straight. Tomorrow I’ll get up somewhat early ( 9 ish) is what I have in mind. I’ll drive to my parents house and spend a couple days there relaxing and hanging out with them. It should be a great time.

I had an interesting experience tonight. I ran into the caretaker of my apartment building in the hall and ended up chatting her up for quite a while. It reminded me of being manic, but only in the sense that I was able to meet people, put them at ease, and quickly form a connection with them. I always thought that was just a characteristic of mania. After a little reflection I’m beginning to wonder if it isn’t a quality I can harvest from myself without actually being manic. And furthermore, are there are other behaviors that I learned in an incredibly short period of time that I could re-calibrate to work for me while not being manic. Perhaps I just opened myself up to something far too quickly because of the marijuana and the side effects were substantial. Perhaps I could relearn ‘the gifts’ that I lost as soon as I crashed. Take and grow into all of the things I enjoyed about being manic, without all of the unmanageability, destruction and pain. It’s probably worth a try. Even if it takes me years and is a tremendous amount of work it would be worth it in the end. I’ll spend some time reflecting and meditating on this for a while and see what happens. A good place to start would be brainstorming the things that were actually beneficial about being manic and then putting in place a plan to develop them in myself today.

Gratitude List:
Parents
This time off from work
A new beginning
The means with which to get the new beginning started
Guidance from above
A higher power

So many great people have been met in the last few days. So many great memories formed. So much wisdom imparted and such a strong conviction to realize the most authentic version of myself. I have a lot of work to do and I can’t wait to get started.

What an amazing day. I learned so much. I am finally beginning to understand what spirituality really is and boy do I ever want more of it. I have a feeling it’s going to take a while to process the past few days. I’ve only been here since yesterday morning, but I’ve already heard and learned so much. I’m so grateful to be having this experience.

I got to listen to an incredibly great man talk today. I was surprised to hear him say so many things about his life that run parallel to my own. One of the things he mentioned was our longest practiced way of feeling safe. For the life of me I can’t figure out what that would be. He also said trauma in your childhood is anything that is less than nurturing.

From the earliest point I can remember having suicidal thoughts. I don’t remember a time I had thoughts that didn’t also include ones that involved suicide. I was so incredibly sensitive that nearly anything could push me over the edge and make me want to kill myself, die, no longer be alive, etc. I wish I knew why that was. What trauma such a small child could have that would bring about reactions like that. Perhaps it’ll become clear to me sometime soon. My parents are both very loving and supportive.