I’m exhausted. My knee hurt more today than it has been. I think I must have done something to aggravate it earlier in the day. Since it hurt more today I ended up taking more pain medication than I would have so I really just want to sleep right now. It would definitely be a good idea to start doing this update before I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. Tomorrow I am going to try to remember to write something earlier – at least for the time being. I like doing it right before I go to bed as a way to spend a few minutes reflecting on the day and everything that’s happened, but I tend to cut it short when I end up so tired and can’t keep my eyes open to actually write anything.

SPICY TUNA came to visit with her husband tonight. It was nice to see them and get to hang out for a bit. We didn’t do too much and I feel bad that I wasn’t very entertaining, but I’m simply not back to my usual self yet and need to give it some more time. I also perused some job postings throughout the day. I didn’t time myself, but I’m sure that I spent at least 3 hours looking at job and Chicago stuff. I thought that I was finally ready to start spending more time doing that, but I think I’m just going to have to play it by ear for the time being. With my knee as it was today I ended up taking more pain pills and had a harder time concentrating. I hope tomorrow it feels better… I’m off to bed now. I can’t wait to crawl into bed and sleep for a while.

I’ve been staying at my parents’ house since I left the hospital on Saturday. Since their bedroom is on the main floor of the house, I’m sleeping there so I won’t have to go up or down any stairs. Because it’s a room I’m unfamiliar with, I wake up every morning slightly disconcerted and wondering where I am. The next thought I have is “that’s right, I don’t have to go to work today” and it immediately feels like Christmas morning. I love not working. Actually, it’s not even that I love not working that much – I love not working my horrible, soul-crushing job.

I’m finally starting to feel like I have a brain again and am much less foggy than I was after the surgery and all the pain meds. I set a goal before my surgery to spend at least 3 hours a day doing something related to moving to Chicago. It can be job searching, looking for apartments to rent, or even just looking up meetings or other things in the city I’ll need to find once I move there. Tomorrow I am going to start making myself adhere to this goal. Prior to today, I haven’t really felt that I can concentrate or be very productive on that front, but I’ve basically been having the same day over and over again and it’s not going to get me to Chicago if I continue. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice day filled with naps and surfing the internet, but it’s not going to keep me interested for too much longer. So tomorrow I will start timing myself and making sure I devote 3 full hours to making the move to Chicago a reality. One of the big problems I run up against is that I don’t want a job even remotely like the one I have now because I hate it so much, but I’m kind of lost when it comes to another job or industry I should be looking in. I’d love a job that involved more creativity. One that I got to work more closely with people would also be an improvement. I’m still pretty pissed off about how the meeting with my manager went on my last day. I’m trying not to dwell on it, but I’d really love to tell him off at some point. Hopefully the stars will align and I’ll be able to make that happen – to some extent anyway. The more I think about it, the more surprised I’ll be if they don’t let me go once the 5 weeks of FMLA covered leave are over. I really do hope that’s what happens. It would be stressful (especially since I have basically no savings to fall back on), but I really could use the motivation and it would give me a lot more time to look. I should be able to get unemployment benefits if they let me go.

I can’t believe it’s 11 pm already. I haven’t stayed up this late in a while. I’m pretty tired at this point and am headed to bed as soon as I’m done with this. Actually, that looks like it’s going to be right now. Yay for sleeping and a productive day tomorrow!

Today was much better than the last few days have been. I’ve started cutting one of my pain pills in half. I don’t feel as out of it and it’s easier to concentrate and read things now. If I take a full one I also invariably end up napping not long after taking it. Today I still took a couple naps, but not like I have been the last few days. I also spent a lot more time job searching. I’m basically still just reading descriptions of jobs and seeing what’s out there. I plan on starting to apply more in the next few days as I work further off the pain medication and am able to concentrate long enough to write a cover letter and email off my resume.

I’ve been getting annoyed with people – mostly my family. They’re great and everything, but I’m used to having more space. I really only have a couple more days here and then I’ll be back in the cities. I’m sure I can handle that. I’m also very happy I’m not staying here any longer and that I still have my apartment in the cities.

I took a full dose of pills about 30 minutes ago and I’m falling asleep as I write this. Hopefully tomorrow will be more productive. I’m happy with how today went, but I can’t go back to that shitty job I have so I need to get something else lined up. Wow, so tired right now.

I have done next to nothing the last couple of days. I’m not that concerned about it, but I need to start being productive soon and looking for jobs so that I won’t have to go back to my old one. I’ve been pretty doped up on the pain medication which makes it really hard to concentrate on anything for very long. Tomorrow I’m going to try to cut back on how much of it I’m taking so I can hopefully avoid taking as many naps as I’ve taken in the last few days. It seems I’m never up for more than a couple hours before I need a nap. I’m getting frustrated with it all and am starting to feel a little stir crazy.

I keep thinking about what a dick my manager is. He scheduled a meeting with me at 3:30 pm on Thursday. I had no intention of staying that late, but did since he’d scheduled the meeting and I didn’t really have any reason to leave earlier. In the meeting he then was angry that I haven’t taken more initiative to learn more and push myself on the new team. He did admit that it’s partially his fault for not continuing to check in with me and see how things were going. I don’t really understand what he expected. I hate the job and he moved me to a new team. Did he really think I would then all of a sudden be completely engaged and transform into this superstar employee? What a dumbass. I definitely did the right thing by keeping my mouth shut. He clearly wanted me to open up more about everything and have an honest conversation about the situation, but as I’ve learned in the past 4 years at that job you can’t trust a snake and he’s definitely a snake.

My eyes keep going out of focus as I drift off. I’m so tired right now all I want to do is sleep. Hopefully I’ll make a post earlier in the day so I won’t have to go through this again tomorrow. I’m really glad to not be in the hospital any longer. Now it’s time to focus on the recovery.

I love going on rides at amusement parks. I have a special strategy I employ when I go. If the ride looks really scary, I’ll just get in line and not think about what’s going to happen once the ride starts. During the past couple months, I’ve done the same thing with this upcoming knee surgery. I know what’s going to happen – hell, I’ve even been through it once before, but I’ve tried to not focus on what my Dr is actually going to do to my knee. Now that I’m through the surgery and laying down in the hospital bed it’s hard to deny the reality of the situation: This sucks.

A (large) part of me is (incredibly) surprised I managed to make it through these past few months without getting fired at work. I’ve taken ‘fucking off at work’ to a whole new level. Thankfully, today was my last day and I survived. In a perfect world I’ll never have to sit in that shitty cubicle ever again – or any other shitty cubicle for that matter. I’m pretty determined to start living life on my own terms and supporting myself outside the horror that is the framework of corporate America. I want to travel, I want to write, and I want to live unencumbered by the societal expectations forced onto me.

My manager is a total dick and must have seen the curve in my work hours created by my leaving a little earlier every day this week. As a result that asshole scheduled a “touch point” meeting with me at 3:30 pm this afternoon. I’d not planned on staying past 3 so this was especially devastating. The meeting went alright. I was determined to not give him anything so basically agreed with his assessment that I’m a shitty worker. Granted it’s a pretty fair assessment, but there many things I wanted to say and a conversation I would have loved to have regarding all of that, but at this point it’s definitely best to leave things be. So I’m done. Tomorrow morning is surgery and then I’ll be on the other side of the knee surgeries and focused on recovering. That’s going to be great.

One more day of work. I only have 480 more minutes to suffer through. I might even tell my manager I don’t feel well and leave early tomorrow. That would most likely seal my fate on not coming back.

I was thinking today about how I’m always needing to test boundaries with other people and myself. See how far I can push someone or myself until something breaks. The unfortunate thing is, once something does break you’re kind of screwed. I’ve been doing that with my manager lately – intentionally pissing him off to see how much he’ll put up with. I need to not go back to that job. I’m certain if I do I won’t last very long before I’m fired.

I met this guy for coffee after work. We’d been chatting through an app for a couple days. We met at a coffee place just a couple blocks from my house. Before meeting him I had no intention of having him over, but these things happen. My apartment was super messy – like always. I had him over anyway. We made out on my couch, but things didn’t go further than that. I have been really craving human contact. Not really sex, but rather just the feeling of someone else’s hands touching me. A connection of some sort. Sex is nice, but I want more than to just get off. I would see him again, but the knee surgery definitely complicates things. I won’t be having sex for quite a while or probably even having anyone over like that. It’s not nearly as much fun making out on the couch with a fucked up knee. We’ll see I guess.

On an unrelated, but super awesome side note, I have 960 more minutes to work. Then I’m done. Yay!

I just realized this morning that it totally slipped my mind to make an update last night before going to bed. I was really tired and out of it last night when I got home. I had also told my brother I would give him a call when I got home and completely forgot. Mel, Liz and I went out to Maple Grove and bought a few stones. While we were there I got this really strange feeling in my stomach that I didn’t recognize. It almost felt like a ball of energy inside of me. It made me kind of nervous. I did not mention this to Liz or Mel.