I went to an AA meeting today. It’s been over 2 weeks since I’ve been to one. The meeting itself was alright. It felt good just to be at one again. Hopefully I can start going to them with more frequency again soon.

I don’t like that I have to take these narcotics – especially because I like taking them. I like the way they make me feel when they kick in. It’s nice. I’m sure to only become more stressed out when I’m no longer employed and it worries me that I’ve got this addictive substance at my disposal. My doctor knows I’m in recovery and so far I’ve taken the pills as prescribed, but it’s still a concerning situation. I’d rather be done with them and no longer take them, but there’s a part of me that wants to keep taking them. I still have enough pain I can justify continuing to take them at this point. When I mentioned to the person at my doctor’s office I was going to try and ween myself off them when we spoke yesterday she said not to worry about it and that I was fine. I think they expect me to continue taking the pain medication for at least a couple more weeks before I’m done with it. I just hate that I’m enjoying taking them. I don’t necessarily like being in social situations where I’m kind of uncomfortable because I’m around people I don’t know that well while I’m taking them. It’s not fun to be fucked up around people under those circumstances, but there is definitely a part of me that likes that sense of well being – like everything is going to be alright and I can just relax that I get after I do take some. Hmm.

Eek! Forgot to update before going to bed last night. Yesterday was good. Relaxed and had an appointment with Jim. He told me I have to start job searching for 6 hours a day which seems excessive, but I definitely have to start spending more time applying for jobs than I’ve been. Blergh. I am going to apply for as many jobs in Chicago as I can and hopefully something will pan out. I really do expect to be unemployed very soon….

I am seeing Jim, my therapist, tomorrow. It’s a really good thing – I need someone to kick my ass into getting serious about this job searching and I’m pretty sure he’s going to do that.

I met with a friend who works in advertising tonight and asked him all sorts of questions. It was helpful, but it also made me realize how much work I have a head of me. Blergh.

I enjoyed today. It was basically a slight variation on the same day I’ve been having over and over again since coming back to the cities not quite a week ago, but it was enjoyable none-the-less.

I worked on the birthday present I’m making for Liz, watched 30 Rock, took a nap and relaxed. The only thing different about today was that I met a guy from the internet for coffee. We met at a coffee shop a couple blocks down the street so I hobbled down there and met him this afternoon. I’ve been holed up in my apartment for the last few days taking pain pills and watching tv. I’ve gone out a couple times with Liz and Laura, but for the most part I’ve just been sitting around inside. This was the first time I’d met him. I forgot how much I hate being fucked up on pain pills and around other people. It’s even worse being around people I don’t know. I felt slow and out of place and like the world was moving faster around me than I could process. The conversation did not go very well because I was out of it. I’ve been chatting off and on for a couple months with this guy and wasn’t very excited about meeting him, but figured since I didn’t have much else going on I’d meet him for coffee for a minute. I don’t plan on seeing him again and really don’t mind that much that I was a boring person who couldn’t hold up a conversation when we met because I don’t have no interest in dating him or even really being friends. He was nice enough, but unless someone really piques my interest I’m not really interested in making more friends. And as far as dating goes, he just wasn’t really my type. He hasn’t texted me since we got coffee this afternoon so that’s good. I haven’t logged into the app because if he has sent me a message I’m going to have to decide how to respond to it. I just hate not being able to fulfill other people’s expectations or hopes and I don’t want to be a dick to anyone. If he asks if I want to get together again I’ll just tell him he’s not my type, but that it was nice meeting him. It’s much better in my opinion to be upfront about that stuff than to lead someone on.

The present is so close to being done. I sent ST a text earlier tonight because I’m not sure I can give it away. It’s taken me forever to do and I’m afraid all that work won’t be appreciated. I still plan on giving it to Liz for her birthday, but I kind of don’t want to anymore. I have to give her something I’ve made at some point so it really had might as well be this. I’ve just grown kind of attached to it after all the hard work I’ve put into it….

Wow, so I’m more rambly than usual tonight. I did not time this well with taking all of my nightly pills so we’ll just blame it on the all the narcotics I’m on….. Night.

I’m tired. I didn’t really do anything today. I got up at about 1 pm and worked on the present I’m making for friend off and on all day. It’s pretty putzy work at this point, but hopefully if I work on it quite a bit over the next few days I’ll be done with it. We are getting together for her birthday in about a week and a half so I have quite a bit of time to get it done. The problem is it takes forever. I wish I had thought this through more when I’d started and realized how long it was going to take me. It really just doesn’t feel like a great return for the excessive amount of time I’ve invested and especially considering how much is left to do.

I have not done anything job search related for the last couple of days. It’s definitely a good thing I’ll be seeing Jim on Friday. I decided at the appointment I had before my surgery that I would dedicate 3 hours a day to job searching. For a little while after my surgery I was actually looking at jobs and coming up with a plan, but lately I’ve just been lazy. I really need to get off of these pain pills. I’m sleeping way more than I normally would be and I think I’d be much more productive on the job searching front if I wasn’t taking them anymore. I should really start weening myself off of them. The problem is, I like them and I like taking them. I like the way they make me feel. I guess this really shouldn’t be very surprising considering that I’m a recovering alcoholic and addict. A part of me figures that I’ll really only be taking them for a short while longer so it’s ok for now. I can’t decide if my logical, more responsible self believes that. I do still have pain though and it’s too early to be not taking anything for it. I could probably cut down on the oxycodone in the next few days so that’s going to be my goal. When I had the last surgery I was taking 10 mg every 4-5 hours when I decided to quit. The withdrawal I went through really wasn’t that much fun even though I didn’t need them for the pain any longer when I did quit. I don’t want to go through that again so I really am going to decrease to 5 mg before stopping entirely.

I absolutely must start applying for jobs. I haven’t applied for a single job at this point and the though of going back to the crappy one I left to have this surgery is not a happy thought. I can’t let that happen. I have a feeling the pain pills are allowing me to ignore that a little at this point. And they are also the reason I’ve put off doing too much on the job search. I’ve got a course of action, I just don’t feel like I can concentrate or be as deliberate as I’d like to be with it while taking these pills – like I’ve lost an edge I’m going to want when applying for jobs so as not to look sloppy with my resume or cover letters. So it’s pretty clear after writing this all out. The pain pills were fun for a little while, but it’s really time to either get off of them or at least decrease the dosage so in a few days I can hopefully be off of them. They also mess with my meditation and I’m getting a lot less out of meditating right now. Hmm.

Forgot to write a post last night before going to bed. Yesterday was a really short day for me. I slept in until about 3 pm which made for about 13 or 14 hours of sleep. I went to a comedy show last night which was pretty fun, but was in bed by about 1 am so really I wasn’t up for very long at all yesterday. I think once I’m off the medication I’m taking from the knee surgery my sleep will hopefully level out again. I hate sleeping so much because it makes me feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time that I could have been using to do something productive. It’s not a super big deal since I really don’t have a lot of stuff I need to get done and I definitely have an overabundance of spare time right now. Once I had quit taking the medication after my last knee surgery I would sleep about 8 hours a night which was really nice. Normally I’d just go to bed at 3, 4 or 5 am in the morning and wake up about 8 hours later feeling rested and ready to get out of bed. I’ve basically had issues regulating my sleep my entire life and that was the closest to normal I think it’s ever been. Aside from the kind of weird hours, it was nice to consistently get around 8 hours of sleep a night and have that be all. Hopefully tonight I won’t forget to update this for today’s post…..

Today was a good day. I slept in and relaxed all day. As far as the job search is going I didn’t get my 3 hours of work in on that today, but I did work on my friends birthday present that I have to finish before her birthday at the end of the month. I’m a perfectionist, but I do like how this this purse is turning out. What I really like about it is that basically the whole thing was my idea. I figured out what I wanted to do and then figured out the different materials I’d have to use to realize that. Surprisingly it’s turning out quite a bit like what I pictured in my head. I like taking things from start to finish – as in starting with a rough idea of something I want to do and working it all the way through until I have a finished product. If I could find a job that allowed me to do something similar it would be perfect. I got the idea for this last year, but didn’t figure it would take me nearly as long as it did. I’m guessing by the time I’m done I will have put in at least 80 hours working on this gift. And it’s not really anything that serves a useful purpose. I think she’ll love it and appreciate all the work I put into it. Plus, it’s been pretty fun to do. I worked on it a lot right before her birthday last year before I realized there was no way I was going to finish it. I then put in some more time working on it after my last knee surgery, but put it down and didn’t pick up it again until now – about 6 months later. I’m ridiculously excited to be done with it and to have a final, finished product. I think when all is said and done I’m going to be pretty proud of what I created. I’m going to have to figure out what my next project is going to be. The problem is, I start things and then get a little ways into them and lose interest. My living room floor basically looks like a wasteland of abandoned arts and crafts projects. Someday I’m sure I’ll finish all of them. Or not. We’ll see.

i went to the meditation center tonight and meditated and listened to a darma talk. The meditation was awesome. It feels like it’s been forever since I made it to a meditation center because of the knee surgery. It’s really only been about 2 weeks which isn’t that long, but I’ve also slacked off on my daily meditation practice as well. The last few days I’ve gotten much better at meditating twice a day like I was. The pain pills make it hard to get through the meditations because they mess with my head so much. Hopefully it won’t be too much longer that I’ll be taking them, but we’ll see how things go over the next week and how my knees are doing. I’m tired now and so glad I can go to bed in a few minutes and sleep in and relax again all day tomorrow. Now that I think about it, I’m going to force myself to work on the job stuff for the 3 hours I decided I need to do that a day. I’m going to rework my resume with the goal of creating one that would be good to submit to advertising and creative agencies. A lot of the agencies I saw in Chicago didn’t actually list specific jobs they have available, but rather suggested emailing them a resume and cover letter with information on your background. I plan on emailing all of those agencies and explaining a little bit about myself as well as what I’m looking for in a job and asking if they have anything that might be a good fit. I figure I’ll probably not hear back from 90% of them, but what really do I have to lose by reaching out and giving it a try? I’m really excited about hopefully finding a position with an advertising agency or some other creative firm. I’d love to be able to move to Chicago in a couple months excited about taking writing classes at Second City as well as excited about a seeing where a new job could take me. It would work if I found another financial services job of some sort, but it would be much better if I found a job that I could be excited about too. We’ll see how that all pans out I guess. I’m tired and need to head to bed now. Goodnight.

I stumbled on an interesting blog by a psychiatrist who refers to herself as an “evolutionary psychiatrist.” On it there is a lot of information about how diet can help alleviate many of the symptoms of mental illnesses. Apparently there is also some thought that a gluten intolerance could be behind some pretty major disorders – like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

It’s been pretty fascinating to read her blog. It makes me think about my own issues with mental illness. I was pretty depressed at certain points in my childhood and finally diagnosed bipolar when I had my first manic episode the summer I was 20 years old. When you’re given a bipolar diagnosis you’re basically told that in order to treat your illness for the rest of your life you’ll need to take medication. I was also smoking a lot of pot (among other things) at the time I was diagnosed. The next summer, when I was 21, I experienced another manic episode. I was smoking even more pot (and other things) that summer. I was diagnosed type 1 which basically means I have periods of depressions and then long manic episodes. Mine started in May and gradually throughout the summer escalated until I finally crashed in the early fall – usually some time in mid to late September (after about a week of psychosis). Those experiences have had a profound effect on who I am today. They were both extremely traumatic and it took me a really long time before I could really talk about them with people. For a long time I couldn’t bear to think about the things I said, did, or thought during the manic episodes. The conversations I had with other people, the way I acted in public, what people thought of me; it was all too much for me to even think about, much less discuss. I remember for several years after the episodes if something I said, or did, while manic popped into my head it was like my heart would skip a beat my stomach would drop out. I’d have to repeat over and over and over again in my head “let it go, let it go, let it go” until I’d finally stopped thinking about it because the pain those thoughts brought me was completely overwhelming. Now, 10 years later, I’m able to think about what happened without the immediate knee jerk reaction I used to have. I can even talk about it with people, although I usually choose not to. For years after the episodes I was literally afraid to be happy – or to even feel happiness, contentment or that things were going to be ok. When I would feel that way I’d panic because I associated feeling happy, even on a minuscule, insignificant level, as a sign I could be going manic again and I really couldn’t bear the thought of repeating that process all over. The second manic episode was much worse than the first and it basically took a year of my life away from me. I was either manic and not able to function like a normal human being or, after crashing, I was more depressed than I’d ever been in my entire life which made it nearly impossible to do anything. It took about a year to go full circle through the mania and then resulting depression. The mania left my brain so depleted there was really nothing to be done but wait it out until everything had regenerated and I could live my life again. I’ve been through substance abuse, an eating disorder and some nasty mental illnesses, but that depression after my second manic episode was the worse hell I’ve ever known. Hopefully the worst hell I’ll ever know. And the lingering effects from the experience took me years to recover from. That experience was basically when life became too much for me and my behavior for the next 6-7 years was the most self-destructive it’s ever been.

Ever since I was a child I’d known that at some point life would be too much for me to handle and I’d finally have the resolve to kill myself. Ever since I was just a little kid I figured that I’d die from shooting myself in the head. I didn’t know when, but I was very certain it would eventually happen. It really should have happened in the depression that followed that manic episode. That was the most vile time of my life. It was like someone was inside my head (or rather that I was inside my head) for about 8 months screaming at the top of my lungs “KILL YOURSELF, WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCKING KILL YOURSELF” every 3 seconds. The thought literally never left my mind. I was so depressed the thought of leaving the house nearly sent me into a panic. I took a year off from school and my parents made me get a job at a telemarketing place. I dreaded every minute of it. My anxiety was so high that I couldn’t handle any kind of social interaction. I would occasionally drive to the cities to visit a friend. We would sit around her apartment and get fucked up, but we’d never leave or go anywhere. I simply couldn’t handle being out in public or amongst people. I remember one of the times I had gone to the cities and visited her I was driving home and had to stop to get gas. I drove and drove until I was nearly out of gas and then stopped at a gas station. I had planned on using the pay at the pump option, but unfortunately the gas station I had stopped at had these really old pumps so you had to go inside and pay. I didn’t have enough gas to continue and go to the next town and find a different gas station, so I pumped my gas outside and had to go inside to pay. To this day, that remains the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to force myself to do in my entire life – just going inside to pay for the gas. I was so afraid of having to talk to people and interact with them. My heart just pounded and pounded the entire time and I was so uncomfortable. I did make it inside to pay for the gas, although I’m not quite sure how.

So I ended up working for only a couple months that winter. I told my parents I wanted to go back to school and moved back to the cities for the spring semester. I had to do something because I absolutely could not continue showing up to work everyday. It was very scary. I had a doctor’s appointment right when the semester started and decided to be honest with her. She, of course, immediately put me in the psych ward. It wasn’t a great experience, but it got me out of school and back at my parents house without a job. They pretty much stayed off my case about getting another job until May of that year. By that time I was able to get out more and the worst of the depression had lifted. It was such a scarring experience though, the mania and the depression, that it was a very long time before I could feel anything again.

The experience was so bad that I was willing to take medication forever if it meant avoiding another one like it. At times I was taking a lot of medication, but now I’m just a couple days away from 8 months free of all psychotropic medication. I couldn’t be happier about this. The psychiatrist I’m seeing right now is actually pretty cool. I’ve been seeing her since a little after my first stint in treatment for substance abuse, so about 4.5 years now. Things improved when I sobered up and the longer I’ve stayed sober the better they’ve gotten. At my first treatment facility we had a lecturer who talked about how people were showing up in treatment with all kinds of mental health diagnoses that were not actually accurate. A lot of time problems with their mood were mainly caused by the depressants or stimulants they were addicted to and abusing. This gave me the idea that I might not actually be bipolar in the first place, but it could have just been a bad reaction to the marijuana that caused the manic episodes. I entered treatment on 6 medications – 3 mood stabilizers, an anti depressant and 2 benzos. I like my current doctor and once I started doing better she felt I could wean off some of the medications I was taking and see how things went. It took me a couple years, but I was finally just taking one and still doing pretty well. She agreed I could wean off that one as well, which I did. I quit taking the last one in February, shortly before my 30th birthday. I liked the timing of that. I basically spent my 20’s fucked up on pills and taking medication and now hopefully will be able to spend my 30’s without them.

I’ve made a lot of major changes in order to get off the medications. I’ve quit using drugs and alcohol, I am in recovery from my eating disorder and doing really well with that, I get adequate and consistent sleep every night, I quit drinking/abusing caffeine and I’ve worked to find purpose in my life. It’s great and I feel like a whole new person. The problem is, I have 2 brothers who have both also struggled with chemical dependency and were diagnosed bipolar under the same set of circumstances (smoking way too much marijuana). I really want to help them get off these medications and be happier, but until you’re happy and doing well on the medication I don’t think it would be wise to go off it. Neither of them seem to be able to do that. I hope someday they can have the same experience with it I’ve had and be able to quit the medication.

Wow, this ended up getting super long and rambly and I feel like I’m no longer able to keep it coherent so I’m going to stop for now. I’d like to continue with this line of thought at some point. I’m glad I was able to lay out the basics (for the most part) of everything.

It feels great to be back in the cities and at my apartment. My parents are awesome and I’m really appreciative they are so supportive and that I have a great relationship with them and was able to go and recover at their house for a week, but I’m really glad I’m back. I can sleep in my own bed tonight and hobble around on my crutches in nothing but my boxers. I’ve become so used to living alone and having a lot of time to myself. I consider myself an introvert. I enjoy being around people – for the most part, but I cherish being able to spend a lot of time just doing my own thing when I want to.

I also waited, again, to start writing this until I’m really tired. I’d hoped to start going deeper into my thoughts and feelings. Once I’m off the truckload of medications from the knee surgery I should be able to devote higher quality time to this. It’s hard putting together much of an update when I can barely keep my eyes open and want nothing more than to go and curl up in my bed under my comforter. I’ve got to use a CPM machine for a while which is basically this machine I strap my leg into and then it bends my leg back and forth. It’s usually not too tough to fall asleep (because I’m nearly passed out now from the meds), but I usually wake up at some point and have to take my leg out and stop using it so I can continue sleeping. Last time I used the machine for a month which is what I expect will happen this time, too.

I can’t wait to go to bed!

Today was actually a pretty nice day. It’s my last day of hanging out at my parents’ house. I have a dr’s appointment tomorrow afternoon in the cities and I’m planning on going back to my apartment after the appointment. It’s been nice being at my parents house, but I’m really looking forward to being back in my own space. I’m sure I’ll head back here again for a few days in not too long. I’ll go stir crazy in the cities without being able to drive my car.

I also emailed my friend that I do stand up comedy with. We are going to a show next week and I told her I’d love to start doing more open mics and really delving in and trying to become better at stand up. I’ve had fun doing it in the past, but haven’t devoted a lot of time to it. The comics I most enjoy watching are the ones who are comfortable on stage and having a good time. I’d love to get to a point where I’m comfortable on stage and just able to have fun with it. I think I could be a pretty good comedian if I just put the effort into learning and getting better. Now that I have all of this time off from work it’s basically the perfect time for me to do that. I can job search during the day and use the stand up as my creative outlet. When I’m working there are so many other things competing for my time in the evenings it’s been hard to focus on the stand up. I also don’t like the politics of some of the open mics and what you need to do to get time. It turns me off to the whole situation and makes me not want to be a part of that.

I’m tired and looking forward to getting some sleep. My parents bed is really comfortable and I’m going to miss sleeping in it. I’m going to miss not seeing them, too, but I think I’ll be more productive in the cities. It’s hard for me to concentrate and get a lot of stuff done while I’m here.

As far as the job searching goes, I found a website today that listed a whole bunch of creative type companies in Chicago. Some are advertising, others marketing or graphic design. I started looking at the advertising ones to see if there are positions I could apply for without any experience. It looks like a lot of them have account executive positions which don’t necessarily require you to have a lot of industry experience. I need to do something different with my resume so I can submit it for those positions. Tomorrow I’m going to try and take a look at my resume and figure that out. I’ve been looking for jobs for a few days now, but not actually applying for any. I need to start applying for them soon. I like the idea of an ad agency and learning about a different industry and getting experience doing something outside of financial services. It’s possible my background working for a mutual fund company would come in handy, too, if I were able to get a position that worked doing ad stuff for a financial company. So applying for these advertising jobs is definitely a great place to start. It’s nice because it’s still a professional job and if I liked the work I could continue doing it. Hopefully the pay will also be alright. Whenever I read a job description for something similar to what I do now it just fills me with dread.

I also googled “writing contests” earlier today. I didn’t look too hard at any of them, but it looks like there are a lot. I should really enter a couple. I need more practice writing and it would be a great way to get it. I think my latest dream job is to be a writer. Like a novelist. Ideally I’d like to be able to support myself writing books. I could then travel a lot and spend a few months in Thailand or wherever and just write from there. I like this idea a lot and plan on keeping it out there in the distance, but not out of sight.