I’m really excited for this Sunday. Actually, this whole weekend should be really awesome, but I’m most excited about Sunday. I’ve got plans to take this class that’s basically about developing your intuitive abilities and getting in touch with your guides. It’s put on by this psychic I saw about a month ago. She doesn’t really like to be called a psychic because that conjures up so many different images for so many people, but I forgot what she does refer to herself as so psychic is the closest thing I can think of at this point. I liked the reading I had when I did see her. I believe in that kind of stuff, but recognize that it’s an area that you need to watch out for impostors and people trying to take advantage of other people.

I’ve been in recovery for a few years. One of the steps in AA is about turning your will over to god or a higher power. I came into the program with no belief in god; in over 4 years in the program and attending meetings that has not changed. I still don’t believe in god and probably never will. I was raised Catholic, went to Sunday school and was confirmed, but it always seemed so contrived. I went through all of those things because it was expected in me. As I’ve gotten older it’s gotten much more difficult to even tolerate the Catholic church because of the hate it spreads throughout the world. I can only listen to the Catholic leadership attack being gay so much before I quit listening. Anyway, despite not believing in god over the course of the last few years I’ve developed a belief in a higher power. It’s mainly resulted from experiences I’ve had that I can’t just chalk up to coincidence. I’m sort of a math person and I’m definitely someone who can recognize the odds of things happening. After I started having things happen that were more than just coincidence I started to believe that there really was something more that we don’t understand. More specifically, I believe my higher power will guide things into my life or path that I need and send me reminders or messages. I really want to become more attuned with the universe and better at receiving and recognizing these messages. That’s what I’m really hoping to get out of this Sunday class I’m taking. That and I’d love to develop my intuition and get better at listening to it. I’m also really glad that a couple of great friends are going to take the class with me. We are going to a meditation center in the morning and then getting some lunch before heading out to the class. It’s going to be an awesome day.

So I’m having a hard time with the narcotics that I’m prescribed. I’m not necessarily abusing them, but I’m definitely using them in a manner that makes me uncomfortable. Like today, for example. I knew I was going to a movie so I waited and took some not long before the movie knowing they would kick in shortly after the movie started and I would be able to sit, watch the movie and soak up the feelings of well being that wash over me whenever I take them. I did it, and timed things like this, specifically for this effect as opposed to taking them because I’m in pain. I haven’t really taken them outside of how they have been prescribed that much, but I can’t kid myself and pretend that I’m merely taking them for the pain anymore. It’s become more than that. I really don’t want to quit taking them which is mainly because I like the high they produce. When I spoke with my Dr’s athletic trainer last week she said I was fine to continue taking them. I know they don’t expect me to quit taking them right now because I should still be in enough pain to warrant needing them. My doctor, and her athletic trainer, are both aware I’m in recovery. I’m just not comfortable with this situation as it is. I think I should call someone tomorrow that’s in the program who I can talk to about it without feeling like I’m being judged because I do feel it’s something I don’t want to just bring up at meetings and start talking about in front of everyone. Ok, enough blathering on about the pills. Yes, these are also the same pills that I feel are making me lazy and holding back my job search…. yep, the same job search I managed to not make any progress on today. I feel like I was busy today, but definitely not so busy I couldn’t have made some progress on the job search front. Boo!

This post got a bit incoherent…..