I spent most of my free time today doodling. Drawing these little pen drawings that I have been craving making for a few days now. I’m not normally a person who draws, but it’s fun to do something different every now and then. Unfortunately this is not going to get me any closer to finding a job in Chicago. Actually, now that I think about it, nothing I’ve been doing in the past few weeks is going to get me any closer to finding a job in Chicago. I really need to change that soon. I’m going to need a job to move to Chicago so that I can support myself. It’s definitely time to suck it up and start applying for them. I just wish I could find something that doesn’t look, well, soul-crushing. I have a feeling that’s probably not going to happen though. It’s definitely time to just bite the bullet and find anything that will work. Fuck! I want to spend my time doodling and making things out of rhinestones to give to friends. I don’t want to spend my time looking for jobs in the financial services sector that I know I’ll hate before I even begin. I need to do a total 180 on my career at this point and I’m willing to do that, I just don’t know where to go with it all or how I would support myself in another way. I feel like if there are people who are able to do something more meaningful and support themselves without having to work a job they hate I should be able to figure out how to do that too. I’m smart enough that I should really be able to make that a reality if I just try. Hopefully I’ll be able to.

I went to an open mic comedy show tonight. It was fun. I asked for time next week so I’ll be going on stage. I’m looking forward to it. I haven’t been on stage since July when I performed in a contest at a comedy club in town. Doing stand up comedy is something I’d like to get better at. I don’t necessarily consider myself a performer, but being on stage in front of people is something I’d like to get more comfortable doing. It’s also something I feel like I could do pretty well at if I practice. I’m a naturally pretty funny person. I most like watching the comedians who are having fun on stage and I’d like to get myself to that point. Ideally I’d start doing more open mics since I have so much free time at this point, but one thing at a time. We’ll see where the comedy stuff goes.

I’ve also been having urges to draw and doodle lately. I drew for a little while last night and went out and bought some more pens today I can draw with. I can’t draw people or things at all and make them look realistic, but I like drawing patterns so I plan on spending more time doing that. The only other time I really had much desire to draw was about 10 years ago when I was manic. It calmed me down a lot at the time to just sit and focus on creating a pattern, but after the manic episodes never went back to it. It reminded me too much of that time to continue.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with one certain friend lately. I really appreciate all of the help she’s been giving me. Since I can’t drive right now it’s been great that she’s willing to pick me up, take me places and get me out of my apartment, but I’m also feeling like I need a little break from her. If I spend too much time with someone they start to get on my nerves and I’m starting to feel that way. As much as I appreciate all the help, I also feel that I could use a little space for a bit. I kind of feel like going to my parents for a couple days to get out of the twin cities and my apartment. I could use a break from this space. I’ve been back for over 2 weeks now and a change of scenery would be appreciated.

I want to be a writer. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s been on my mind more lately so I guess it’s worth repeating. I’ve had this idea that it would be really awesome to fly somewhere like Thailand or Indonesia and explore and travel, but also write and just live. If I could leverage the dollar and live on $1000/month (I’m not sure if that’s possible or not) I could live somewhere for a year on not that much money. That would give me time to do something creative – like try writing a book. Or writing something. I realize I could write a book here, but the idea of being far away and in an exotic place really appeals to me. I’ve sort of just thrown that out into the ether and if I get the opportunity to make it a reality at some point I’m going to jump at it. If not, oh well. We’ll see if it ever pans out. I’ve been thinking about it more lately. Most likely because everything in the near future is pretty up in the air. I’m not really sure what I’ll be doing for work in a few months or where I’ll be living. I hope it’s Chicago, but there’s a lot of things that need to happen before that. One of which is finding a job in Chicago. That’s going to be the focus of this week. Searching and applying for jobs in Chicago.

Today was exhausting. I went to Cloud Atlas this evening. I really wanted to see it, but afterwards couldn’t really figure out why. I mean really, it’s about two people who love each other and keep finding each other in future and past lives. Considering I’m perpetually single (and most likely staying that way) I have no idea why I thought I would like the movie.

Sometimes you just have to admit it’s time to throw in the towel.

I’m exhausted and going to bed now. I can’t wait to crawl into bed and snuggle up under my comforter. It’s going to be awesome and I can sleep in tomorrow. I’m getting picked up to go to the ballet at 12:45 so I could probably get up around 12 and be ok. Yay for sleeping! I’m so excited for bed.

Today was really awesome. I slept in (surprise, surprise). I did work on my resume for a bit after getting up, but I’m starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with the job search. At least I got some work done on it and I emailed a friend of mine who works in HR and asked him a couple questions and also asked him to go over my resume to make sure there are no glaring errors in it. Now I feel like I can start applying for financial services type jobs (that I don’t want), but I still don’t have a resume I can use to start applying for more creative jobs. I might just apply for some financial services type jobs for a while and then hopefully get another version of my resume done so I can apply for other jobs I’m more interested in. So I didn’t get a ton done today, but at least I did something. It’s a start – even if it’s just a small one.

So a couple days ago when I got home I sat down at my computer with nothing particular I was looking to do and I got the urge to go to the citypages website. I never go to the citypages website so it was kind of weird, but I logged on to their website and saw an article about this musician who I absolutely love. She goes by the name A Fine Frenzy and there was an article about her and her new album. She’s currently touring and I found out that she’d be in Mpls on 10/25. I immediately found out there are tickets available and found a friend to go with me. This artist wasn’t really on my radar until a couple years ago. I downloaded an album she released in 2007 and it really spoke to me. Her music is very honest and she’s got a beautiful voice and the album came into my life when I was having a much harder time feeling lonely and like I’d never become romantically involved with someone (the jury is still out on that one). I listened to the album, called One Cell and the Sea, over and over again for a while. It gave me a lot of comfort. I really enjoyed seeing her in concert tonight and ended up meeting her for just a second. Since I’m on crutches we got to take the back elevator and as we were leaving she was standing waiting to go down. One of the things I love about the friend who went to the concert with me is that she just strikes up conversations with everyone. So when she noticed that it was her she started talking to her right away and pulled me into the conversation. For the most part I just stood there and smiled, but it was still nice to meet her in person. I wish I could have told her how much her music means to me and how much I’ve gotten out of her albums, but I failed miserably at that. I’m hoping to find a way to send her a piece of fan mail letting her know. I’m very drawn to people who are able to succinctly and accurately express their emotions. I find music is one of the best mediums for doing that because you really only have a few minutes to honestly and compellingly tell a story. I hope that some day our paths cross again in the future. I’d love to be able to have a real conversation with her and get to know her a little bit. She seems like an amazing person. What a fantastic night.

I’m also planning on getting up early(ish) in the morning so I won’t sleep the whole day away. I’d really like to stop sleeping 12 hours a night, but I also realize I’m 3 weeks out from a major knee surgery and if my body needs me to sleep 12 hours a night right now I should really listen to it. I’m sure in not too long I’ll be back to sleeping for 8 hours a night and then waking up feeling rested. I was depressed so much growing up that it seemed I never had much problem sleeping for 12 or more hours at a time so now I hate doing it. It makes me think about how I felt at that time and what a struggle it was. I don’t want to go through that again if I can avoid it.

I went to an OA meeting this evening. I haven’t been able to make it for the past couple of weeks and it was really great to be back tonight. There are so many great people at that meeting that I’ve come to know in the time I’ve been going. I could feel the warmth in the room and it was great to catch up with people I haven’t seen in a few weeks. I’m hoping to make it back next week again. It’s sad to think about moving to Chicago and no longer being able to go to that meeting. I’ll really miss them when I leave.

After the meeting a friend I haven’t seen in several months picked me up and we went to this great restaurant that is participating in restaurant week. For $30 we got a 3 course meal that normally would have cost much, much more. The food was great and it was awesome to be able to catch up, too. All in all today was a good day. I’m tired and planning on heading to bed soon. It’s kind of sad because I really didn’t get up until 1:30 pm in the afternoon today so at this point I’ve only been up for 10 hours. I’m tired though and it’s possible I’ll wake up earlier in the morning tomorrow if I go to bed now. I am going to have a productive day tomorrow….I’m desperately in need of one of those.

I’m really excited for this Sunday. Actually, this whole weekend should be really awesome, but I’m most excited about Sunday. I’ve got plans to take this class that’s basically about developing your intuitive abilities and getting in touch with your guides. It’s put on by this psychic I saw about a month ago. She doesn’t really like to be called a psychic because that conjures up so many different images for so many people, but I forgot what she does refer to herself as so psychic is the closest thing I can think of at this point. I liked the reading I had when I did see her. I believe in that kind of stuff, but recognize that it’s an area that you need to watch out for impostors and people trying to take advantage of other people.

I’ve been in recovery for a few years. One of the steps in AA is about turning your will over to god or a higher power. I came into the program with no belief in god; in over 4 years in the program and attending meetings that has not changed. I still don’t believe in god and probably never will. I was raised Catholic, went to Sunday school and was confirmed, but it always seemed so contrived. I went through all of those things because it was expected in me. As I’ve gotten older it’s gotten much more difficult to even tolerate the Catholic church because of the hate it spreads throughout the world. I can only listen to the Catholic leadership attack being gay so much before I quit listening. Anyway, despite not believing in god over the course of the last few years I’ve developed a belief in a higher power. It’s mainly resulted from experiences I’ve had that I can’t just chalk up to coincidence. I’m sort of a math person and I’m definitely someone who can recognize the odds of things happening. After I started having things happen that were more than just coincidence I started to believe that there really was something more that we don’t understand. More specifically, I believe my higher power will guide things into my life or path that I need and send me reminders or messages. I really want to become more attuned with the universe and better at receiving and recognizing these messages. That’s what I’m really hoping to get out of this Sunday class I’m taking. That and I’d love to develop my intuition and get better at listening to it. I’m also really glad that a couple of great friends are going to take the class with me. We are going to a meditation center in the morning and then getting some lunch before heading out to the class. It’s going to be an awesome day.

So I’m having a hard time with the narcotics that I’m prescribed. I’m not necessarily abusing them, but I’m definitely using them in a manner that makes me uncomfortable. Like today, for example. I knew I was going to a movie so I waited and took some not long before the movie knowing they would kick in shortly after the movie started and I would be able to sit, watch the movie and soak up the feelings of well being that wash over me whenever I take them. I did it, and timed things like this, specifically for this effect as opposed to taking them because I’m in pain. I haven’t really taken them outside of how they have been prescribed that much, but I can’t kid myself and pretend that I’m merely taking them for the pain anymore. It’s become more than that. I really don’t want to quit taking them which is mainly because I like the high they produce. When I spoke with my Dr’s athletic trainer last week she said I was fine to continue taking them. I know they don’t expect me to quit taking them right now because I should still be in enough pain to warrant needing them. My doctor, and her athletic trainer, are both aware I’m in recovery. I’m just not comfortable with this situation as it is. I think I should call someone tomorrow that’s in the program who I can talk to about it without feeling like I’m being judged because I do feel it’s something I don’t want to just bring up at meetings and start talking about in front of everyone. Ok, enough blathering on about the pills. Yes, these are also the same pills that I feel are making me lazy and holding back my job search…. yep, the same job search I managed to not make any progress on today. I feel like I was busy today, but definitely not so busy I couldn’t have made some progress on the job search front. Boo!

This post got a bit incoherent…..

I did a little job searching today which was good. I think once I start applying for jobs I won’t find it hard to apply for a whole bunch of them. What I really need to do before I can do that is change a couple things on my resume and then create a second resume I can use to apply for more creative jobs. Tomorrow I am going to update both of the resumes. If that’s the only thing job related I do tomorrow I’m fine with that. I just really need to get the resumes done so I can start actively applying for jobs. Once I get the resumes updated I am going to email a friend of mine who does HR stuff and ask him to look over them and give me any suggestions he might have. Tomorrow is a new and hopefully more productive day.

I had a really nice weekend. I’m tired now and looking forward to going to bed and sleeping. I did a little job searching, but not nearly as much as I should have. My goal for this week is to clean up my resume and start applying for all the jobs I see that I am qualified to do (and maybe even some I’m not qualified to do). The main goal is to move to Chicago and that I’m really excited about!

I also signed up to take a course on design offered by Coursera. I just got an email a few minutes ago saying it’s started. It’s an 8 week class and I think I’ll like it. I like learning and I think design is a pretty fascinating subject. I’d start going through the class stuff now if I wasn’t so tired. Yep, it’s definitely time for bed. I have a physical therapy appointment tomorrow and plan on taking a look at my resume and getting that figured out too. I decided to continue taking time off from the job search this weekend, but tomorrow is the beginning of a new week and I plan on using it to work on getting myself to Chicago. I got really excited about it today when I started thinking about moving there. I’m so ready for an adventure and the next phase of my life!