Work sucked today.  Enough said about that.

So I’m currently lusting after at least 9.5 guys at work, but there’s definitely one who’s gotten under my skin more than the rest.  He told me today, in the rest room, that he has put in his two week notice and his last day will be next Wednesday.  It brought up a lot of different feelings in me.  First and foremost is my complete inability to meet guys and to form any kind of  lasting relationship with them.  Now he doesn’t happen to be gay, but if he was and he was interested in me I’d date him in a heart beat.   I feel like Minneapolis, and more specifically my workplace, is littered with guys I’d date if they happened to be gay.  For some reason whenever I meet a gay guy I’m not even remotely interested.  Or if it is a guy I could be interested in, I shut it down before I could get hurt.  I wish things weren’t like this, but I have no idea how to change.  I remember years ago when I didn’t even want to be in a relationship always acting a bit aloof and detached from the guys I met because I didn’t want to give them the impression I was interested in dating.  Now that I am interested in dating  I can’t seem to not give the impression off that I’m not interested.  I really hope that a move to Chicago will jar something within me and open me up to the possibility.  I don’t want to be single forever and I’m allergic to cats.

The other aspect to this guy moving on and getting a new job is that I feel like I’ve wasted so much time at my current job.  I haven’t moved up or around within the company and it frustrates me that I haven’t been able to carve out something more in the 4 years I’ve been working there.  I want a career.  I want something that gives me purpose and makes me feel like I’m doing something with my life.  I want better pay.  Instead, I go to work everyday hating what I do and loathing every minute I spend in my cubicle.  It’s really no way to live.  I’m determined to find a new job in Chicago when I have my next break from life which is coming up very soon.  Hopefully the hopelessness I feel surrounding my current job and the despair that washes over me every morning when I sit down in my cubicle will be enough motivation to work my ass off to find something new.  I really think it will be, but I’ve been paralyzed in place before when confronted with something daunting – like moving to a new city and finding a new job.  It’s really not that scary to me though.  I feel like it’s an opportunity and one I should cherish.  I get to reinvent myself and find something better suited to me.  How cool is that?

It was such a beautiful weekend.  Not just the weather, but also the fact that the super busy weekends of summer have drawn to a close.  I’ve stayed busy the last two weekends, but have really appreciated not having a lot of time dedicated to stuff I have to do, and rather just spend time doing things that come up.  This morning I went to the MN Zen Center for an introductory meditation course and afterwards met up with SPICY TUNA for lunch.  After lunch we spent a lot of time walking around Uptown going to a lot of the different stores which was really enjoyable.  I always have a great time goofing off with SPICY TUNA and hanging out.  Plus, you know she’s gotta be awesome because she lets me call her SPICY TUNA.  I also got to bike around the lakes and meet up with my cousin and his girlfriend for dinner.  I was thinking today about how I finally feel like I’ve learned to live.  How to be happy and fulfilled in my personal life and just enjoy things.  It’s really great.  Hopefully I can figure out how to transfer that over to my professional life at some point.  I’m not looking forward to the start of another week tomorrow, but at least on Friday I’m headed to NYC to hang out for over a week.  Hopefully this week is bearable at work…. after last week I don’t have a lot of faith it’s going to be.  Wish me luck!

I met my mom this morning.  It was really nice.  We wandered around the mall, she bought me some socks, and then we went to a restaurant and ate lunch.  During lunch she wrote me a check for $200 for my trip to NYC that I’m leaving on next Friday.  I didn’t ask, but she and my dad wanted to give me a little money before I went.  I’m so grateful to have such wonderful parents.  I really don’t know where I would be today without them.  They have supported me through so much and I owe the world to them.  My parents are such wonderful people they really deserve to have great children.  I plan on repaying them the best way I know how:  by living my life to the fullest.  I know they want nothing more than to see their children succeed and to be happy.  And that’s exactly what I plan on doing.

I had a nice morning getting ready for work.  I showered, meditated, ate some breakfast and then left.  On the way to work I was thinking about what a great mood I was in and how happy I was it was Friday.  Things plummeted as soon as I got to work. I only have 14 more days I have to work, but I really wonder how I’m going to survive them.   I’ve decided that this week the universe decided to jam the 5 days of despair I normally feel at work into the 4 days I worked this week.  It was tough.  I also feel quite cheated that ‘soul-crushing’ was not listed in the job description when I applied.  That is a key piece of information that went missing.  Anyway, I’m tired and want to go to bed.  Tomorrow should be a better day than today was.  I hope anyway.

The difference in my mood, and attitude, is so stark compared to when I’m at work and when I’m not.  I spent the entire day at work pissed off.  Like really, really pissed off.  And for no real reason aside from the fact we were busy and I have to be there.  I’m now down to 15 days I need to work before my next break from life and some days (most days when I’m at work) I have to wonder how I’m going to survive those 15 days.  I spent nearly the entire day taking information off of 2 different spreadsheets and then putting it together on a separate one.  It was one of the most vile days I’ve had at work in such a long time.  I couldn’t wait to flee for the day and am seriously considering calling in sick tomorrow.  Unfortunately that would create a lot more work for my coworkers and I actually like most of the ones on my current team so I don’t think I can do that to them.

It’s amazing how quickly my mood improves once I leave that place.  I came home and met up with some friends so we could go see Catherine, this intuitive/psychic we’ve been seeing every so often.  Catherine told me really good things.  She sees me moving to Chicago and thinks that will work out early next year.  She also said I’d meet some special guy not long after moving there.  I stressed the fact I’m going to have to work to prove her wrong – I’m certain I’ll grow old alone.  She assured me that’s not going to happen, but I have my doubts.

I’m so glad tomorrow is Friday.  Sometimes I think there is a level of despair I need to reach each week at work and on these short weeks the universe decides to squash 5 days of despair into the 4 I’m working, but makes it even worse just to balance out the good energy from the day off.  Yep, pretty sure that’s happening.  Hopefully tomorrow will be pretty uneventful.  I definitely can’t handle another day like today and I only have 15 more days to suffer through and then I will be done with that place (hopefully forever).  I just have to make sure I keep the job through those 15 days so my health insurance will pay for another surgery.  Blergh.  I can’t wait to have a nice, relaxing weekend.  It’s going to be wonderful.  Oh, and I’m headed to NYC next Friday and can’t wait for that!  Night.

Run, Run, Run. Well, not really.  I don’t actually run (yet anyway), but that’s what I felt like I was doing all day.  I had an appointment to have this rash on my knee checked out by an internal medicine doctor this morning who told me I have psoriasis.  I didn’t know much about psoriasis so she printed me out a 13 page packet of information.  It’s apparently chronic, heriditary, and overall not something that looks very fun to have.  She also referred me to a dermatologist.  I had to move my car at noon – I’ve been super lazy and driving to work lately because I can park at the meters without paying because of my handicap sticker.  Sadly it expires at the end of September.  I’ve seen some that don’t expire until 2018.  Trust me Chelsea, my dr’s athletic trainer,  is going to be hearing about this!  My dad called as I was moving my car so I talked to him for a minute and then called the dermatology people.  This was at 1 pm and they really didn’t have any appointments coming up that would work, but then she mentioned that they had a cancellation for a 1:15 pm appointment.  I told her I’d be there.  She was rather incredulous since I didn’t have much time to get there, but since the clinic is in St. Louis Park and I was just downtown (and already sitting in my car) I made it with a couple minutes to spare.  The dermatologist looked at the rash, scraped some stuff off it, left, and came back and told me it wasn’t a fungus and that she thought it was just very dry skin and that I had to use some cream for a while and it should go away.  This was great news.  I was most concerned about the surgery I have scheduled in a month and the fact my orthopedic surgeon is going to be slicing open my knee (again) to replace the screws about 1 cm away from what I thought was a rash.  Apparently it’s nothing that’s going to interfere with all that excitement.  On a positive note, I’m down to 17 more days I have to show up at work and then I’m done.  I can’t wait!  Sleeping in and taking naps is what my life is going to become all about very, very soon and it’s going to be wonderful.  Just wonderful.

P.S.  Another major reason I’m thankful I don’t have psoriasis is that I’ve started a “Don’t grow old alone” campaign which I’m certain can’t sustain any major blows.*

*Any decrease in attractiveness would fall under the category of “major blow” – although not of the good kind.

Today was especially hard at work. I’m not sure if it was the extra day off we got or what, but it was tough being back in my cubicle.  I was in a pretty foul mood all day, but at least I survived it.  I also had a fun night since I got to see my Jaime (who I never get to see anymore) and Will cut my hair.  Afterwards I met Laura at Acme and saw a really funny show.

I saw my Dr. about my knee last week.  She told me my knee hasn’t been healing and that the screws she put in are not how she wants them so she needs to go in and replace them when she does the other knee.  This news was only slightly softened by the fact I took it while staring at the ridiculously hot medical student from Italy who happened to be following her around that day.  Afterwards I also got her athletic trainer to agree to writing my leave from work for 9 weeks instead of 6, so I guess the visit wasn’t a total loss.  Although I’m not counting that as a win until after the forms come back showing the time I’m getting off from work.

It’s been a very frustrating year going through all of this knee stuff – for many reasons.  Being on crutches and not able to do all the things I want to do is hard, but it’s also really tough having to show up at work everyday hating my job, but not able to apply for other ones because I need to stick around until I’ve gone through both knee surgeries (and the time off recovering).  At least the end is in sight now.  I have just over 20 more days of showing up for work and then I’ll be off and hopefully moving on with my life.  I can’t believe I’ve stuck around that unfulfilling job I’ve hated since pretty much the beginning for the last 4 years.  On the one hand it’s been a great job for many reasons.  It’s wonderful that I can bike, walk or take the bus to work and that I don’t have to spend time sitting in rush hour traffic.  I think about the person I was 4 years ago and have grown tremendously on a personal level since that time.  Having a job that doesn’t stress me out when I’m not at work has really helped.  I can just show up, work (although never very hard) and then leave for the day.  I’ve cherished the time I’ve been able to spend reading in the downtown Barnes and Noble after disappearing from my cubicle every morning (and a lot of afternoons), shopping at Macy’s or Sak’s, and just aimlessly wandering around the skyway or down Nicollet during the warmer months.  It seems that all the things I enjoy about my job have nothing to do with the actual work I’m doing.  The work I can’t handle because it’s redundant, uninteresting, and seems kind of pointless in the larger scheme of things.  I can’t wait to move on and find something more suitable to my interests and abilities and thankfully will be able to do that soon.  Hurray!

So I decided to start a blog.  I don’t think I have anything particularly funny, clever, or even interesting to say, but I want to get in the habit of writing so I’ve set a goal for myself of updating at least one post per day for the next year.  Everyday for the next year I am going to write about something that happened to me that day or something that’s been on my mind.  Some of the posts will be short, others will be longer, but the goal is for one post a day for the next year.  I am not entirely certain where this will take me, but I’m hoping to enjoy the experience.

Thanks,

Andrew