I’m so sad tomorrow is my final day of bumming around the city on my own. It’s been such an amazing trip and I’ve had the greatest time and been able to do so much. I’m so grateful to have such amazing friends like Maren and Meda who let me stay with them and who are such great hosts. I really do want to move out here later this year. I can’t wait to make that work.

Busy day again. 9/11 memorial, staten island ferry, new museum of art, awesome light store, dinner with Prince and the UCB theater. Tired….

Super busy day, but it was a really fun day. I went to a meditation center with a dharma talk this morning and then met a friend aftrewards. We ate and went to the museum of art and design. I’d never been there, but it was pretty cool. After that we went and rushed tickets to the book of Mormon. There were a lot of people there so we were lucky to get tickets. The show was good and I learned something about scalping tickets. So tired now. Can’t wait to go to bed.

Wandered around NYC all day. So freaking tired right now. Can’t wait to sleep.

Busy day. Super tired from walking around the city all day. I can’t wait until tomorrow. I am planning on exploring the city at a somewhat leisurely pace. I’m updating this from my phone while lying in bed. It’s definitely time to sleep.

Fun day. Late lunch at an Indian place in Hoboken, a nice long nap, followed by a comedy club in the city and a gay bar and some walking around afterwards. Definitely a great way to spend my first full day out here. Hopefully seeing book of Mormon on broadway tomorrow. Yay!

No matter how old I get, I’ll always love being able to look out the window at the world below me when I fly. I remember the first time I flew. The first big vacation I took with my family. I was in kindergarten and the destination was Orlando and Disney World. I remember in the weeks leading up to the vacation how excited I was to go somewhere new. I’d never been anywhere nearly as exotic as Florida before. I remember the sense of adventure I felt being in a different state and exploring a whole new world. We went to Disney World and a bunch of other places. I was still too young to read, so everywhere we went I had to point and ask “what does that say” because I couldn’t bear the thought of missing a thing.

I also remember when we got back how suffocating the daily grind felt. A week of vacation, followed by the monotonous boredom of being back at school with the weeks and weekends blending back together into infinity. I’ve got a restless soul. A desire to explore, learn and discover all there is to find in the world around me. Someday I hope to satisfy those desires. Preferably at a pace faster than can be attained using the 3 weeks of vacation my stifling corporate existence provides.

I’m going to send this letter to my parents tomorrow.  I also bought them both these little wood things from Patina.  One says “I love that you’re my mom” and the other says “I love that you’re my dad.”  I owe so much to both of them and they mean the world to me.  I don’t think I tell them that often enough.

Hi Mom and Dad,

I wanted to send you a thank you letter for the money you gave me for my trip to New York.  I wasn’t expecting it, but can definitely use it.  I’m excited to get a break and get away from things for a little while before I go through with the next surgery.  I’m also happy to report I got one pair of sandals and three pairs of shoes in my carry-on.  I’m wearing my boots so my choice in footwear while I’m there will only be slightly limited.

I’m really grateful for all that you guys have done, and continue to do, for me.  I’m not sure where I would be at this point without you guys, but I’m certain it’s nowhere near where I am today.  I feel like I’m on the cusp of really figuring out what my life is going to look like (and excited about it!) and without your help I would have never made it to this point.  A lot of stuff happened that I had a really hard time getting through – most specifically that bipolar crap.   Those two manic episodes I went through really fucked my mind up for a long time.  I feel like that’s all behind me now.

I’m happy now, but not too happy.  I remember being on a train in Europe last year when it dawned on me that I was genuinely happy.  I finally felt content with who I was and for the first time in maybe my entire life, I could say that I actually like myself and where my life is headed.  Not looking forward and not looking back, but living in the moment.  It was a well deserved revelation.  I’m no longer afraid of the world around me or the people in it.  I’m not afraid to pursue my dreams.  I feel like I’ve finally learned to live.

I’m going to do something great with my life.  I might not know what exactly that’s going to look like 10, 20 or 30 years from now, but I know if I continue exploring this world around me and finding things that interest me I’m not going to look back with many regrets.  I have faith I’ll find my place in this world and in turn find a sense of fulfillment.  I can’t thank you enough for all the help, support and guidance you’ve given me as well as the great example you’ve set with the lives you both live.  I cherish the relationship I have with both of you and want you to know how much you mean to me.

Love,

Andrew

J___! Do you prefer J___ or J______? I’m not cool enough to shorten my name so I’ve just always gone by Andrew.

So I’ve never been particularly religious, but since I quit drinking I’ve been trying to develop a relationship with a higher power.  It’s still largely undefined,  although instead of being completely non existent, I now have faith in one.  Sometimes things will happen that  I can’t just chalk up to random chance and I’ve developed this idea that my higher power will steer things into my path when I need to learn or take note of something.  It hasn’t happened a lot.  In May 2011 I went on a trip with a group of friends to Europe.   I flew to London with two friends of mine, but had booked our tickets separately so although we were on the same flight, we had different seats.  As we were sitting at the terminal, this guy who appeared to be traveling alone sat down a little ways away from us.  He was very good looking – totally my type: cute, tall and athletically thin.  I kept thinking about how great it would be if he happened to be sitting next to me, but I knew there were a ton of people on this flight and the odds of that were very slim.

Shortly before boarding the overnight flight to London I took a handful of benadryl.  I was determined to sleep for the 6 or 7 hours because it was morning when we landed in London.  I got on the plane and took my seat.  This airplane had 2 seats next to each window and then 3 (or 5?) in the middle of the plane.  I sat down and sure enough a couple minutes later the hot guy in the terminal came and took his seat right next to mine.  We were seated on the right side of the plane in a set of two seats near the window…. Just the two of us.  He turned out to not only be cute, but also really friendly and interesting.  And gay.  We talked the whole flight and shared music and got to know each other.  It was like a date he couldn’t escape from (these are generally the best kind for me).  I was sad when the flight ended and we had to go our separate ways.  We exchanged email addresses and said goodbye.  Over the next couple weeks while I was in Europe we sent each other a bunch of emails sharing how our respective trips were going and I decided I really, really liked this guy.  We became facebook friends and started chatting on facebook nearly every day.  This brings me to rule # 1 about my dating life:  I will only ever be able to really like a guy if he’ s unavailable for some reason.  Case in point:  I spend all day pining over the hot straight guys I work with.  Guys I know there is no chance of ever having a romantic relationship with.  This was a little different because at least this guy was gay, but basically the same principle.  He lives in Atlanta and the logistics of that meant things would never turn into more than a long distance friendship.

I ended up getting crushed by this guy.  Like absolutely devastated.  He’s great and would never do anything to hurt me, but shortly after we both got back from Europe he started seeing a guy he’d met in Atlanta where he lives.  Then I started seeing status updates on facebook that his boyfriend was posting and every time I’d see one it felt like someone had just punched me in the gut.  I couldn’t handle it and hid him from my feed, but still had the option of visiting his page whenever  I wanted to make myself feel completely sad and alone.

I’ve thought a lot about this experience and what my higher power wanted me to get out of it.  On the one hand, it gave me hope I  could meet someone else and feel this way about them.  I have a playlist on my phone titled “I want to cut myself.”  It’s a compilation of songs that come from all different times in my life.  The one thing they have in common is that they all mark the loss of something great – or a period I used to listen to the song when my life was spinning out of control.  Because of this, each one makes me feel lonely, sad, or depressed but for different reasons.  I used to listen to this playlist every day during the time I met him, but don’t feel the need to do that anymore.    Normally I’d find myself listening to the playlist when I was extremely frustrated with the fact I’m single.

I’m still not quite certain what I was supposed to gain from this experience.  All in all it turned out to be a pretty painful thing for me.  I don’t talk to him very often anymore.  I remembered his birthday from the customs card we filled out so I sent him an email about 6 months ago wishing him a happy birthday.  We exchanged a couple emails, but not too many.  A couple days ago I sent him another short email just saying hi and asking about how his summer had been.  I got a response today.  I really want to respond with “I love you.  I LOVE YOU!” but know I won’t.  And furthermore, it’s not that I really do love him.  I have strong feelings for him, but I’ve built this guy (who I don’t even know that well) up in my head to be the perfect person.  I’m sure if I got to know him better I’d find that wasn’t really the case.  I just wish I could muster these same feelings – or even just be open to letting them develop, about someone else.  Someone close.  Someone I might actually be able to have a relationship with.  I’ll probably email him back, hint not-so-subtly that I think he’s amazing, and find myself incredibly broken up about it all again.  I hate that I meet guys in Minneapolis – at times pretty frequently, but can never seem to feel this way about them.  There are people interested in dating me, but for some reason as soon as I meet them I’m no longer interested or come up with a million reasons why I don’t need to see them again.  I realize this has very little to do with them.  Like I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I’m really hoping a move to Chicago jars something loose so that I can finally date someone.

Tomorrow I’ll email the guy back.  Maybe I’ll even ask him to come visit me in Minneapolis sometime if he’s interested.  I think he would be, but it seems like a long ways for him to travel just to be disappointed in me.