So I’ve never been particularly religious, but since I quit drinking I’ve been trying to develop a relationship with a higher power.  It’s still largely undefined,  although instead of being completely non existent, I now have faith in one.  Sometimes things will happen that  I can’t just chalk up to random chance and I’ve developed this idea that my higher power will steer things into my path when I need to learn or take note of something.  It hasn’t happened a lot.  In May 2011 I went on a trip with a group of friends to Europe.   I flew to London with two friends of mine, but had booked our tickets separately so although we were on the same flight, we had different seats.  As we were sitting at the terminal, this guy who appeared to be traveling alone sat down a little ways away from us.  He was very good looking – totally my type: cute, tall and athletically thin.  I kept thinking about how great it would be if he happened to be sitting next to me, but I knew there were a ton of people on this flight and the odds of that were very slim.

Shortly before boarding the overnight flight to London I took a handful of benadryl.  I was determined to sleep for the 6 or 7 hours because it was morning when we landed in London.  I got on the plane and took my seat.  This airplane had 2 seats next to each window and then 3 (or 5?) in the middle of the plane.  I sat down and sure enough a couple minutes later the hot guy in the terminal came and took his seat right next to mine.  We were seated on the right side of the plane in a set of two seats near the window…. Just the two of us.  He turned out to not only be cute, but also really friendly and interesting.  And gay.  We talked the whole flight and shared music and got to know each other.  It was like a date he couldn’t escape from (these are generally the best kind for me).  I was sad when the flight ended and we had to go our separate ways.  We exchanged email addresses and said goodbye.  Over the next couple weeks while I was in Europe we sent each other a bunch of emails sharing how our respective trips were going and I decided I really, really liked this guy.  We became facebook friends and started chatting on facebook nearly every day.  This brings me to rule # 1 about my dating life:  I will only ever be able to really like a guy if he’ s unavailable for some reason.  Case in point:  I spend all day pining over the hot straight guys I work with.  Guys I know there is no chance of ever having a romantic relationship with.  This was a little different because at least this guy was gay, but basically the same principle.  He lives in Atlanta and the logistics of that meant things would never turn into more than a long distance friendship.

I ended up getting crushed by this guy.  Like absolutely devastated.  He’s great and would never do anything to hurt me, but shortly after we both got back from Europe he started seeing a guy he’d met in Atlanta where he lives.  Then I started seeing status updates on facebook that his boyfriend was posting and every time I’d see one it felt like someone had just punched me in the gut.  I couldn’t handle it and hid him from my feed, but still had the option of visiting his page whenever  I wanted to make myself feel completely sad and alone.

I’ve thought a lot about this experience and what my higher power wanted me to get out of it.  On the one hand, it gave me hope I  could meet someone else and feel this way about them.  I have a playlist on my phone titled “I want to cut myself.”  It’s a compilation of songs that come from all different times in my life.  The one thing they have in common is that they all mark the loss of something great – or a period I used to listen to the song when my life was spinning out of control.  Because of this, each one makes me feel lonely, sad, or depressed but for different reasons.  I used to listen to this playlist every day during the time I met him, but don’t feel the need to do that anymore.    Normally I’d find myself listening to the playlist when I was extremely frustrated with the fact I’m single.

I’m still not quite certain what I was supposed to gain from this experience.  All in all it turned out to be a pretty painful thing for me.  I don’t talk to him very often anymore.  I remembered his birthday from the customs card we filled out so I sent him an email about 6 months ago wishing him a happy birthday.  We exchanged a couple emails, but not too many.  A couple days ago I sent him another short email just saying hi and asking about how his summer had been.  I got a response today.  I really want to respond with “I love you.  I LOVE YOU!” but know I won’t.  And furthermore, it’s not that I really do love him.  I have strong feelings for him, but I’ve built this guy (who I don’t even know that well) up in my head to be the perfect person.  I’m sure if I got to know him better I’d find that wasn’t really the case.  I just wish I could muster these same feelings – or even just be open to letting them develop, about someone else.  Someone close.  Someone I might actually be able to have a relationship with.  I’ll probably email him back, hint not-so-subtly that I think he’s amazing, and find myself incredibly broken up about it all again.  I hate that I meet guys in Minneapolis – at times pretty frequently, but can never seem to feel this way about them.  There are people interested in dating me, but for some reason as soon as I meet them I’m no longer interested or come up with a million reasons why I don’t need to see them again.  I realize this has very little to do with them.  Like I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I’m really hoping a move to Chicago jars something loose so that I can finally date someone.

Tomorrow I’ll email the guy back.  Maybe I’ll even ask him to come visit me in Minneapolis sometime if he’s interested.  I think he would be, but it seems like a long ways for him to travel just to be disappointed in me.