Work sucked today.  Enough said about that.

So I’m currently lusting after at least 9.5 guys at work, but there’s definitely one who’s gotten under my skin more than the rest.  He told me today, in the rest room, that he has put in his two week notice and his last day will be next Wednesday.  It brought up a lot of different feelings in me.  First and foremost is my complete inability to meet guys and to form any kind of  lasting relationship with them.  Now he doesn’t happen to be gay, but if he was and he was interested in me I’d date him in a heart beat.   I feel like Minneapolis, and more specifically my workplace, is littered with guys I’d date if they happened to be gay.  For some reason whenever I meet a gay guy I’m not even remotely interested.  Or if it is a guy I could be interested in, I shut it down before I could get hurt.  I wish things weren’t like this, but I have no idea how to change.  I remember years ago when I didn’t even want to be in a relationship always acting a bit aloof and detached from the guys I met because I didn’t want to give them the impression I was interested in dating.  Now that I am interested in dating  I can’t seem to not give the impression off that I’m not interested.  I really hope that a move to Chicago will jar something within me and open me up to the possibility.  I don’t want to be single forever and I’m allergic to cats.

The other aspect to this guy moving on and getting a new job is that I feel like I’ve wasted so much time at my current job.  I haven’t moved up or around within the company and it frustrates me that I haven’t been able to carve out something more in the 4 years I’ve been working there.  I want a career.  I want something that gives me purpose and makes me feel like I’m doing something with my life.  I want better pay.  Instead, I go to work everyday hating what I do and loathing every minute I spend in my cubicle.  It’s really no way to live.  I’m determined to find a new job in Chicago when I have my next break from life which is coming up very soon.  Hopefully the hopelessness I feel surrounding my current job and the despair that washes over me every morning when I sit down in my cubicle will be enough motivation to work my ass off to find something new.  I really think it will be, but I’ve been paralyzed in place before when confronted with something daunting – like moving to a new city and finding a new job.  It’s really not that scary to me though.  I feel like it’s an opportunity and one I should cherish.  I get to reinvent myself and find something better suited to me.  How cool is that?