I feel like I spent my late teens and early twenties collecting afflictions, while my late twenties were spent divesting myself of them. It was a tremendous amount of work.

I had an absolutely fantastic day. I couldn’t have asked, or planned, for a better day. I seem to be having a lot of good days lately. Not ‘wow it feels like I just won the lottery’ kind of days, but rather ones in which I feel a contentment reaching down to my soul. It’s been wonderful. I’ve never felt like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing and that my life is headed exactly where I want it to go before now. All I need to do is keep doing what I’m doing – which requires quite a bit of work, but if I do I’ll get to where I want to be. Unlike the insidious afflictions I spent so much time collecting and solidifying as part of my life, I now actively seek out things to better myself and my situation. I’ve been able to break the self-destructive cycle that had me completely entrenched and kept me sick. I’m staring down some major changes in my life and I’m ready for them. I’m ready to see what the next phase is going to be and where it takes me. I’m excited to discover what the universe and my higher power have in store for me. I have a feeling it’s going to be an unforgettable ride.

I’ve been updating this site for just under 4 weeks now. The updates didn’t get the focus I’d have liked to give them while I was out East since I was tired and writing them on my phone. Now that I’m going to be spending a lot of time laid up, my goal is to start reflecting more on the past and projecting out to the future.

I think I was about 23 when I decided to start meeting with a therapist again. Previous experiences with them had always been short lived, but my life was beyond unmanageable so I needed to try something. I’d definitely say I was living in crisis mode and simply trying to make it through the day. From past experiences with therapists I knew I was best off walking in and laying it all on the table from the start, which is exactly what I did. In the very first session I admitted I was an active alcoholic, that I’d been suffering from bulimia for the past ten years and was currently binging and purging on copious amounts of food up to 5 times a day, and that I’d been diagnosed as bipolar just a few years earlier and the experience had basically destroyed me. I also told her I am gay.

In that first session she asked me to imagine life a year in the future. If I could be doing anything I wanted with my life what would that look like? If I wrote her a postcard in a year to let her know how things were going, what would it say? I couldn’t answer the question. I had no hope for the future and it wasn’t just that I couldn’t verbalize hopes and dreams I had, it was that I wasn’t able to even have them. Looking back at that now I realize how utterly devastated I was at that point. At the time it didn’t seem like it was a big deal.

I have hopes and dreams now. Things I want to accomplish in this lifetime and that I’m working towards. Many of them are still taking shape and changing as I learn more about myself and where I want my life to go, but the forward momentum continues to push me towards that end.

Fran and Jeff are in town so a bunch of us went to eat at Manny’s.  It was really great and so much fun to spend the night around great friends eating and being merry.  

I got paid today and I’m totally broke.  My paycheck wasn’t even enough to cover the credit card payment and rent that I have to pay.  This situation is stressing me out.  I’m sure it’ll get worked out, but I really need to cut back on spending money. It’s kind of hard to do knowing I’ll be on crutches again soon. I want to go out and be with friends and not worry about it.  And then I spend $75 I don’t have on dinner at Manny’s.  Blergh.  

I passed the test. I drove to the testing center this morning and took it. I was allotted 2.5 hours for the test, but worked through it in just 40 minutes. I was about 1/3 of the way through when I realized there was a distinct possibility I would be taking it again. I clearly did not study long enough and the test questions were much harder than I thought they were going to be. There were quite a few that had terms I don’t recall seeing in anything I studied or any of the practice exam questions I did. It was a bit nerve wracking, but thankfully when I clicked submit on the computer and my results came back I scored a 77% which, although not a score I’m proud of, is still above the 68% I needed to get to pass. Despite not passing with a high score, I feel like I got a great return on the 3 days my company gave me off to study which I didn’t actually use to study. I figure I studied for roughly 8 hours total for the test. I’m extremely grateful I won’t have to do that again.

I feel really content with a lot of things in my life right now. I’ve got very few days left before I’m done working and I’m glad I have such great friends. I can’t wait to figure out the next phase and find something more appealing for work. I hope it involves writing of some kind, but that’s yet to be determined. Really anything that let’s me continue to explore the world around me and involves some degree of creativity would be appreciated. I’m also really glad I’ve got a pretty good routine with my meditation practice and hope to expand on that. I feel much more calm and centered with everything going on now that I meditate on a regular basis and I also get the impression that this is really just the tip of the iceberg as I build a practice into my life. It’s definitely time for bed. Thank god tomorrow is Friday and the weekend is nearly upon us.

Series 99 test tomorrow morning. I studied a lot more than I thought I would for it. I’m still not passing the practice tests, but I was told the questions on them are much harder than they are on the regular test so I’m hoping for the best. I feel like this studying strategy is heavy on the hope and optimism. Not so heavy on the studying and actually being prepared. Oh well. At least it’s just to get licensed to do work I have no desire or hope to continue doing. So, there is that.

I was a horrible student in college, but able to get away with it because I’m good at cramming and memorizing large amounts of information and regurgitating that information for a test – and then immediately forgetting most of it. It’s a special gift. Normally I would start studying the night before around 10 or 11 pm and plan on staying up most, or all, of the night. I would then go into school the next day and take the test and promptly crash afterwards. This was an incredibly stressful way to go about doing things and it required me to use massive amounts of caffeine to get through it all. I had a ritual where I would put on movies to use as background noise while I studied. I get distracted very easily so the movies always had to be ones I’d seen a million times that wouldn’t really pull my focus from what I was doing very often or keep it for very long when it did. As I was studying tonight I put on Pirates of the Caribbean which is one of the movies I would study to in college. It brought back a lot of memories of days gone by. Mostly good memories, but I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness at the missed and squandered opportunities that have now landed me in my current predicament. Now that I don’t drink caffeine it’s much more difficult to engage in my former studying habits. I don’t necessarily feel overly prepared for this test tomorrow, but I’m glad I’m going to take it without feeling cracked out of my mind. Maybe I have grown up as I’ve gotten older. Wish me luck!

I survived the day at work. Now I only have 40 more hours to suffer through and I’m done. I have to work each day of the week one more time and then I’ll be out on leave. I also talked to my dr’s athletic trainer (who I adore) who coordinates all of the leave paperwork. She wrote the leave for 3 months for reasons I still don’t totally understand and said “well you can always go back early if you want.” That’s unlikely to happen. I do, however, like the idea of taking 3 months off from work instead of just the 6 weeks they gave me last time. I’ve also started to realize it’s highly likely I won’t have a job to go back to. I would not be surprised, given my attitude and general hatred toward anything work related, if my boss decides to let me go while I’m out on leave. I think I’d be ok with that.

I’m tired and want to go to bed. I’ve actually done quite a bit of studying for this series 99 test. My plan tomorrow is to go over practice test after practice test. I think that’ll be the most efficient use of my time at this point. As long as I actually devote a decent amount of time to studying tomorrow I don’t really think I’ll have too much trouble passing the exam. The practice questions are really hard, but I was told they are much harder than the actual exam questions so it should work out alright.

I got another subrogation letter from Ingenix, which from what I understand is a subsidiary of my insurance company United Health Group. United is, in my honest opinion, the most morally bankrupt company I’ve ever done business with. I assume all the major health insurers are the same, but this is the first job I’ve had with my own health insurance and not under my parents plan so it’s the first time I’ve really paid any attention to it all. Based on my experience with United I pray everyday that within my lifetime the US adopts a single payer system for health care. I get angry every time I get one of the letters. It’s made to look so official with “Third Request” in bold, capital letters and with wording that’s designed to trick me into thinking I’m required to provide them with this information, without explicitly stating I’m required to do so. I’ve learned enough about how they do business to know it’s definitely in my best interest NOT to provide them with any voluntary information and since I have employer sponsored insurance I’m not required to do so. I would love to fax the form back and write in sharpie across the back of the letter “Fuck you you fucking fucks,” but will probably do nothing.

Despite not working tomorrow I have a busy day. Dentist appointment, pre-op physical, and therapy all squished together in the afternoon. I should get to bed….

I survived my first day back after a week off. It really wasn’t too bad. And when I think about it, I only have 2 more days to work this week and then 4 the week after. That’s a mere 48 hours I need to be there (not working hours, which happens to be far fewer). I have Wednesday and Thursday off for a test I need to take for work. I’m not looking forward to taking this test. A part of me wants to actually study and do really well, but another part of me just wants to walk in and hope for the best. I figure the walking in and hoping would be the best use of the 3 days I get to take off from work to study for it. There is a website I got access to that had a bunch of study questions on it and I have no idea what my log in or password is (or for that matter even the website address). I’m hoping I can find it tomorrow without too much hassle. It would be nice to be able to use that to study, but I don’t think it’s worth asking anyone if I can’t find it. If I can’t find it I’ll just hope for the best.

I survived my first day back after a week off. It really wasn’t too bad. And when I think about it, I only have 2 more days to work this week and then 4 the week after. That’s a mere 48 hours I need to be there (not working hours, which happens to be far fewer). I have Wednesday and Thursday off for a test I need to take for work. I’m not looking forward to taking this test. A part of me wants to actually study and do really well, but another part of me just wants to walk in and hope for the best. I figure the walking in and hoping would be the best use of the 3 days I get to take off from work to study for it. There is a website I got access to that had a bunch of study questions on it and I have no idea what my log in or password is (or for that matter even the website address). I’m hoping I can find it tomorrow without too much hassle. It would be nice to be able to use that to study, but I don’t think it’s worth asking anyone if I can’t find it. If I can’t find it I’ll just hope for the best.

I made it home! As sad as it is that I have to go back to work tomorrow, I’m ready to tackle this coming week and next week and then I’ll have my surgery on 10/5. It’s nice to be back in my own space and sleeping in my own bed tonight will be awesome. The bed my friends have I slept in for over a week was too short for me, but since it had a headboard and something at the foot of the bed I had to sleep diagonally because I didn’t fit. Hopefully tomorrow won’t bring any nasty surprises…..

Last night out east. It’s sad that I’m going home tomorrow, but I’ve had a lot of fun and feel ready to go back. I should have 3 days to work this week and another 4 the week after before my next break from life.

I felt sick for a lot of the day. I think the steak I undercooked the night before did it to me. I slept in really late and felt better in the evening. I’m pretty exhausted at this point. I went to moma for a free evening earlier tonight. It was great.